Ex-Convict Lands Killer Upper Management Position For Cut-Throat Behavior

When jobs are scarce these days, it was interesting to find that Brad Johnson, an ex-convict from Boston, Massachusetts landed a highly desired position in upper management at a brokerage firm last Wednesday. Not even two months out of prison for Xing his ex, he blindly applied to positions he felt qualified for. Brutally honest, Johnson admitted to the felony box and where the line said “other: please specify” he wrote, “Strangled my stupid wife to death because she wouldn’t shut her fucking mouth.” While most employers might immediately dispose of the resume and alert security of his presence near the building, Johnson was offered a second interview then was hired full-time.

“We saw a lot of potential in Johnson. First off, his candor and ability to speak is mind is something we value at this company. It offers for seamlessness in internal communications as well as with our clients. His cut-throat behavior shows that he can keep anyone in line which is great for lower-tier employees. It helps keep them in check. We also considered his prison background, which showed us that he can survive day-to-day life in a cubicle—a main component to our corporate infrastructure. Also, the fact that he as convicted with pre-meditated murder, we really focused on ‘pre-meditated’ which illustrated to us that he can really think things through and come to well-thought out solutions. We think he will be a strong and commanding asset to the company.”

While Johnson has gone from jumpsuit to suit and tie in a matter of a couple months shows that anyone with enough passion, or heat of passion, can make it in these hard economic times. Johnson is expected a raise next quarter while three current employees get axed from their positions.

Banks Be Bitch-Slapping and Pistol-Whipping America's Wallets

It comes to no news that the financial sector is fucked four ways from Friday, but in an effort to increase revenue among banks nationwide, multiple banks are now applying brand new fees to rape consumers’ wallets while getting around old restrictions. It comes to no surprise that these financial institutions went bat-shit crazy with new fees and regulations that will take effect early January of 2012. These fees include:

- Put a lean on your house if you fail to pay your credit card in full every month

- If your house has been foreclosed, they have the right to cut off all your fingers

- If you lose or cancel either your debit card or credit card, %700 interest rate will be applied to the new cards, and yes, it is required to attain new ones

Getting a new card will $1000 renewal fee

- If you do not currently hold a debit or credit card, the IRS will come after your ass and threaten you with tax evasion, money laundering, and trying to “evade your patriotic duty”

- The banks are always right, so no waiving of any of the above fees

- $100 fee will apply to every $20 withdrawal using a debit card

- $3,000 fee will apply for having less than $1,500 in your checking account

- Bank tellers are allowed to enforce these regulations at gun point is you dispute

- Compliance with these fees gets you more fines and penalties and increased interest rate

- You’re fucked.

Many consumers were outraged by these new fee hikes and shouted in unison while waiving and fist-pumping their fingerless nubs.

National Coffee Day Celebrates The Happiest Fucking Midget On Earth

In celebration of National Coffee Day, a new study shows that women who drink coffee are less depressed than those who don’t, and this Thursday celebrates the “happiest woman in the world.” A small town girl from Jackson, Mississippi claims she’s been drinking coffee since the age of four and has never had a “bad day” in her entire life.

“I swear I’ve got to be the happiest woman alive! Yea, drinkign coffee early in life may have stunted my growth, but I’ve never been hap-hap-happier!! Life is good life is great life is wonderful! BAM! I’m on my fourth pot of coffee and it’s not even noon! woot!woot! FLYING! I feel so empowered and alive I threw a brick through a store front window this morning!”

Coming in at a height of 4’11’’, people have referred to this girl as having the amount of energy and euphoria of a coked-out Smurfette. Move over Papa Smurf, this tweaked out gnome-chick is taking happiness by storm.

“Seriously, I drink so much coffee and it’s GREAT! I get all the stupid shit I hate doing, done faster. Like reallyreallyreally fast! Clean my house at the crack of dawn and sprint a marathon before work. I find it hard to just sit in my cubicle and do work all day that I’m bouncing off the walls and smoke a shit ton of cigarettes! It’s awesome! People have a hard time listening to me because I talk reallyreallyreally fast, but it’s ok. I know what I’m talking about and before I finish the conversation my mind is already in ten different directions, I jet off mid-sentence! Woo!”

Jittery hands and teeth chattering, this woman can’t take the shit-eating grin off her face.

“They once had to tie me down—even though they had a hard time catching me—and shot a tranquilizer in my neck because they thought I was on PCP or something, then had me committed. They ran tests and found nothing, just caffeine. I wasn’t even upset by the intervention because coffee makes mefeel so fucking happy, I hugged the police and scampered and skipped off singing Zippity-Doo-Dah! I LOVE LIFE!!!!”

So, to all you coffee lovers out there, if you think you’ve had your daily fill of the pot-of-happy, think again. This girl can run circles around you—literally.

Gravity Disproves Theory That Apples Don't Fall That Far From The Tree

Because apples don't fall far from the tree, unless you're on a giant cliff, mother fucker, then that shit falls like way far away. Because gravity makes things fall down. And falling down from a cliff is a long way. And a long way isn't close to the tree, meaning that they do fall far from trees. "Disproves" means to prove opposite of, and "theory", well, it's a made up thing that no one cares to dispute. And a tree is that thing in the photo. Good, so we're clear.

The 'Anorexic Burrito' Resolves Gassy Side Effects

Also confirms that it helps mitigate your awkward sex life.

New Survey Confirms Indiana Is 'Most Fucking Depressing State In America'

Keep your gun unloaded.

Girlfriend Tells Computer Boyfriend To Stop Hiding Behind His Algorithm

A young woman from San Jose, California was disillusioned last Tuesday by the failed misperception of her counterpart. A computer engineer from Silicon Valley, where popular start-ups like Facebook launched the most popular social network in the world, decided to implant popular algorithmic methodology into “his own social life.”

He responded, “Ok, yea, so I gave her the promise of an immaculate, fully functioning algorithm. All she did was find the fault in everything. Total blow to my algo.”

She has her own words: “I’m just dealing with a bunch of mal-data. He lied about his effective calculability on various topics of conversation. Excuses like his server crashing and that he just couldn’t process anything I was saying. Typical automated reasoning. So I just let him have it. And told him to stop hiding behind his algorithm. It just wasn’t working.”

He proceeded to let her know that he wasn’t going to take this abuse anymore and calculated her frustrations into his algorithm, so when another fight occurred, the calculation resulted in a landing page popping up that said “error, too much activity going on, please come back later” and then fell asleep.

Corporate Whore Won't Pull Out On LinkedIn

In a time when the economic climate has been quite bleak, social networking has become a way to connect with potential employers with hopes of landing a job. Just the way Facebook may be a place for friends you haven’t yet slept with, one New Yorker named Terry took it upon herself to climb the social ladder by using this similar tactic on LinkedIn. Always labeled a ‘corporate whore’ who wanted to ‘stick it to the man,’ she used this language when seeking out a new job.

“If I decided seek out a ’Friends with Benefits Plan’ with a potential boss I found on LinkedIn, I figured that would cover both medical and dental.” Even though the Manhattan corporate whore has received her MBA from Wharton, she interpreted terms like ‘market penetration’ to mean having a little quick sex in Aisle 5 to get her a job. Although Terry hasn’t been able to land a job yet—besides the ones she does with her hand—she’s not giving up until she goes from hand job to blowjob to dream job.

An ‘Emotional Dyslexic’ Gets It All Backwards

It was an interesting day today for area woman, Tammy Faejohn, when a complete stranger slapped her in the face somewhere in downtown Chicago for living her life “completely ass-backwards as fuck.” Faejohn has been recorded the first “emotional dyslexic” anyone has ever seen.

She explains, “Well I thought you started off getting married, sitting around being miserable for a bunch of years, grow older and go on your honeymoon. After the honeymoon phase, exchange apartment keys to signify being in a serious relationship, get flowers, go on fewer and fewer dates, have awkward first phone call then never speak to the person again. I’ve been married at least 100 times. But that’s nothing compared to the idea of ultimately ending up being single.”

While many of her friends took the date-relationship-marriage approach, Faejohn beelined it through 100 marriages, received many marital financial benefits, and ended up completely alone.

“Some people are so afraid of marriage, but it’s only the initial step. I mean if you ultimately want to end up happily single after, you gotta put some work into it!” Faejohn’s closing words as she lit the filter-end of her cigarette.

Area Psychotic Permanently Cured By A Little Mental Floss

There’s always some revolutionary breakthrough when it comes to psychotherapy. Whether it’s the help of talk therapy, psychiatric drugs, or a prescription to take your dog wherever you go, this one has topped the charts with quite a few of these ego-maniacal, self-absorbed, masochistic couch sitters. The “troubled” purported that their problems to trumped all others in society and demanded weekly medical assistance.

Move over Xanax, Valium, and Thorazine. The Hoeboken School Of Psychiatric Medicine is going au-natural with a little something they developed called Mental Floss. One quack said, “We got the idea when we started bothering the Dentistry and Oral Surgery Department. All they have are some plaque-scrapers, a waterpick, and a shit ton of anesthesia. And when everyone’s done rubbing their jaws they say, ‘Don’t forget to floss.’ If they could do it for the mouth, let’s do it to the brain.”

Dr. Jaws said, “What we have is revolutionary. What is so great about Mental Floss is that we can literally go inside and cut out all the crap that hides in the grooves of someone’s brain. We call this emotional plaque which, when not followed by brainwash, can cause a serious brain-disease called Emo-Meningitus. After flossing all that emotional crap that has been building up in between the grooves of the brain, people can continue on with ordinary living. Less crying here. Anxiety and mental anguish subside.”

This one lady comments, “Someone took my sandwich one time, and I seriously raged for an hour throwing all things around the office, cursing the sandwich gods, then hysterically crying while huddled up in a tiny little psycho ball. I really just thought this was normal. But then my psychiatrist said I suffered from a clinical disease that was diagnosed as a Stage 4 Mental Psycho Shit, and then gave me some Mental Floss. Talk about night and day! I stopped getting fired every month, formed relationships that lasted longer than a week, and I can say I am generally…What’s the word for that emotion?...Oh yah, that I’m happy. It’s pretty amazing.”

While more and more people start using Mental Floss, the vain attempts of wrist-slitting, bridge-jumping, and overdosing-on-a-shit-ton-of-aspirin-just-to-get-some-attention have reached a record low.

The psychiatrists are thrilled because, instead of needing to anesthetize themselves during therapy session to get through, they can now just hand over some Mental Floss and send their patients on their sunshiney ways. Although, the shrinks keep stealing Novicaine from those dental bastards for recreational use.