Lindsay Lohan Establishes A Revolving-Door Rehab For Convenience

Lindsay Lohan muttered fragmented thoughts the other day from her sobering vacation at the Betty Ford Clinic saying that her experience there led her wanting to open her own rehab facility. Although most would think this endeavor would fall under the pretenses of philanthropy, coming to terms with her addictions, and genuinely offering her support to want to help others succeed, the interest was a self-serving. From what an insider was able to decipher from her fragmented sentences, Lindsay admitted her main reason for opening her own clinic was mainly for convenience. "I knew I'd like totally end up back here again. It's all show and I needs some money. Banking off other people problems to support my own seemed like a great idea."

Recently being dismissed from playing in the upcoming movie called Inferno, she already realized she was living in some sort of sobering hell.

"I'm starved: for food, attention, and money. People aren't buying my leggings so much so I had to expand my coke line--clothing line! So, yes, add to them you see. Throw in some pinky acryllics, bullet necklaces, Lohan compact mirror, and some silly straws. Then like, who needs Dancing With The Stars to save my career? I'll put that DWTStar's cosmic dust right up my nose. Then come home and chill at my new place for a little bit. No biggie. That's why I want a revolving door. I'm always losing my keys. I can't feel my face."

Insider lost interest long time earlier about this conversation as Lohan was spotted outside talking to a tree, hugged it and said, "at least someone here gets me. Ugh."

New Study Classifies Happiness As An Abnormal Psychological Disorder

After several studies, conclusive data proves that happiness in a psychological disorder. Although many people have not been diagnosed with this disorder, it has be proven that this rare disorder has been seen among certain people. Happiness occurs in the brain with large clusters of neurons lighting up in the brain and in the central nervous system. Although the study reveals that happiness is statistically abnormal, the disorder has been seen in super peppy cheerleaders, Playboy bunnies, overly-elated workout instructors, and housewives in holiday sweaters. Scientists are looking more closely at these particular individuals to see--what in fact--causes this excessive abnormal happiness and treat it accordingly with certain medications called Debbie Downers, exposure to long periods of traffic, printer jams, burnt dinners, screaming children, and wrinkles.

Perv Waves His Wand At TSA Officer In A Pat Down

Due to heightened alerts for terrorism during the holiday season, very thorough pat downs have been enforced as people pass through security screening checks at the airport upon boarding their flights. Although this thorough screening freaked people out about the touchy-feely groping and invasions of privacy, TSA reiterated that this was purely a security measure. But one man was not pressured by the extensive pat down and found himself quite aroused by the measure. Officer Sheila Rodriguez was forced to take action against a man who--when patted down--pointed his member at her while searching for hidden weapons and explosives. He responded that he could not control his concealed weapon of love and proceeded to compliment her, ask her for her number, and to take her to dinner.

"If she could have this kind of affect on me while going through standard security measures, imagine what she could do behind closed doors. The uniform's really hot too. Man I'd like her to use her taser on me." Rodriguez overlooked the erect salutation and allowed him to pass through. But the pervert walked back through baggage claim only to re-enter in the departure lines so he could let Rodriguez search him one more time.

"This time I want you to search for my heart," he said. He was soon handcuffed for his public indecency as well as sexual harassment, which only made the pervert even more aroused. The pervert's uncensored performance led officers to question if it could be possible to turn terrorists into perverts. Or maybe some people really should have their junk blown off.

Suicidal Turkey Doesn't Understand the Meaning of Thanksgiving

Some people bring in the spirit of the holiday season with cheer and festivities while some people can't wait to stuff it under the carpet like an ominous bug that they couldn't wish away fast enough. That seemed to be the case for one emotional turkey who seemed to be suffering from an existential meltdown about the meaning of life. The turkey had been caught saying morose things such as "What if the meaning of life is for me to give up my own life to make others happy?" and "do you believe in reincarnation? I think I will come back in the afterlife as a earthworm." He even continued with riddles like, "why did the chicken cross the road? To create moody cathartic art with an emotional poultry sidekick." After several sessions in therapy, I realized my true calling; that I could end up on a neurotic hot woman's face as a means of lightening the mood of poultry genocide. The sunglasses were essential."

Obama Relies Heavily on Delorium To Fix The Deficit

Obama announced earlier today about his plans for fixing the deficit. Not only does he feel ObamaCare has some serious means of fixing our deficit, but also plans an even more determined plan of action.

As he addressed the nation, Obama stated,

"We are going through some tough times. And we can't fix it all at once. It's going to take some time to get through all this. Now, my Cabinet and I thought long and hard about it, and we think we've come up with something substantial--something everyone can agree on. With the help of Doc and Marty McFly, we've decided to go ahead and reintroduce the Delorium to help get through this madness. Basically, we're just gonna go back in time and act like this never happened. Also part of the new ObamaCare makes sure everyone gets a hoverboard. Any questions?"

One man asked, "How much is this going to cost all of us?" Silence....Obama reassured the nation maybe just another trillion to a bajillion dollars, but that it would be well worth it in the long-run. ;) Other plans included stuffing all the money under the nation's mattress, investing in the lotto, and running off to Vegas and putting everything on black.

New Website Solidifies Kaptcha Series Makes People Feel Stupid

A new website was launched the other day that tapped into the tendencies of the young adult population trying to seek an appropriate mate on a new dating site. Upon registration, it is commonplace for the viewer to type in the information and confirm with a series of coding to prove they were real people. A series called Kapcha normally can detect if people can type in the appropriate keys of letters found on the screens on their computers. But as the new Kapcha series was launched, it made people down right confused as they started swearing at their computers as to why they were having difficulty launching into the new site of dating shenanigans. The website responded that if they could not log in using the new Kapcha series, they were therefore retarded deeming them incapable of talking to each other online, let alone, reproducing. The new Kapcha series has led to an increase of angry users who--once they logged in--found themselves bitching at significant others who they would initially be attracted to.

New Study Shows Money Really Does Buy Happiness

A new study was released the other day that showed that money really does buy happiness. People had reported increased euphoria when they shopped compulsively versus buying just one thing. Others reported they fought with their spouses more about splitting the bill, cutting out dinner and a movie date night, and straight up sitting around doing nothing. "I feel like shit, I need to buy something," the woman exclaimed. She also mentioned, "if you really loved me you'd buy me that diamond ring, already! None of that Kay crap!" Several diamond rings have not been purchased this season, resulting in a steady decline in overall happiness which is being combatted by double-dosing on a drug called Fukitol.

Women In L.A. Are Literally Freezing Their Asses Off

Brrrrrrrrr... It might seem that it's really starting to cool down this season, but who ever thought the reason could be a new alternative to liposuction that is being tested in some health centers across the United States. With all the hype of fat freezing, could this be a new method of fat reduction that really truly does suck? The vacuum-like device adheres to your body--like a parasitic money-leaching ex-spouse--sucking everything and freezing it off. By freezing these women's fat asses, the fat cells are destroyed in the process. While they're still waiting for FDA approval to market, herds of women have been cited flying to the Northwestern Territory of Canada, standing out in the bitter cold of Beyond Fucking Existence with their asses in the air and their fingers crossed.

Local Idiot Does Not Plead The Twinkie Defense In Twinkie Diet

Some NUTritionist from Kansas State University wants to prove he can shed a few pounds on a Twinkie diet. With his nutty hypothesis, this sugar-junkie wants to challenge "junk food versus health food" dynamic, suggesting that foods regarded as nutritious may, in fact, be unhealthy, while foods regarded as junk may have some benefits. For one month, he is living on a diet of high-calorie, high-fat foods, such as snack cakes, powdered doughnuts and sticky buns, to show that foods commonly regarded as junk can actually help people lose weight. Although he has lost a few pounds, he has omitted experiencing the crack-like euphoria that comes with the Twinkie. But recently, the nut-job professor was arrested for robbing a 7-11 for the confectionary delights. In between spitting diabetic tongues like "cuckoo for cocoa puffs," he's currently pleading "the Celery Defense" saying that it was those few unhealthy vegetables led to his mania as he "crashed" on a pile of steamed spinach and carrot souffle.

NORAD Suspects Ninja Missile May Be Linked To Ninja Cat

No one knows where this ninja missile came from this morning and what it was even trying to accomplish. NORAD--also clueless--said it was busy at the time of the ninja missile launch for reasons of "having our heads up our asses." Other security facilities also twiddled thumbs, denied any notice of the ninja bomb, and even went as far as to blame Ninja Cat for the "practical joke."

Obama Stimulates Jobs By Building A Giant Tunnel To Narnia

It has been brought to global attention that President Obama sought to build a giant bulletproof tunnel on his entrance into Narnia: a place where animals talk, magic is common, and good battles evil. The objective for the problem-solving tunnel was that the tunnel's construction would ultimately create jobs for those physically building the tunnel, security personnel, and encourage economic expansion into the fictional realm of Narnia. In a place where children could become kings and queens, this was a promising note for our children and their future.

The tunnel was estimated to cost at $200 million dollars a day, which would be bomb-proof, have air conditioning, and a series of plasma televisions. The tv screens would be able to monitor Narnia upon entry in order for the President to greet Aslon, the talking lion, and know of the White Witch's presence at all times. From now on this day shall mark a new turn in deficit spending; whenever we're in a hole, we'll build a giant tunnel and dig ourselves out into a land of make-believe.

Mid-Term Election Announces Hobbits To Solve United States' Fiscal Crisis

With a growing concern for the US nation to foster job creation, lower unemployment rates, decrease inflation, cut taxes, and to get the Cabinet to straight-up stop spending money like it's going to rot, people actively decided to seek the change that was promised two years prior by voting in the mid-term elections. In order to combat the excessive deregulation of the financial sector and to combat the administration's objective to spend spend spend our way out of the shitter, the people have voted for change, and it's looking quite precious. With a 90% gain, the Hobbits will have full control of the finances brought upon by the US. By eliminating the sloppy behavior brought on by Goldman Sachs, the Hobbits vow to restore voter confidence and the mortgage-crisis by converting overvalued homes to their original value. Due to the miniature size of the Hobbits, all homes--once in foreclosure--will be scaled down to fit the lifestyle of the Hobbit, making the size of each home directly proportional to the newly underestimated value. All newly printed money will go to each Hobbit to hold till they see fit; whoever is the most honest and economically responsible will have some dollars coming their way. Since their election, there are plans to pump lots of those newly printed dollars into things like sunshine and lollipops. No second motion from Gandolph yet, while Smigel pleaded guilty to 11 federal crimes and admitted to turning his wealth management business into a massive Ponzi scheme that defrauded thousands of investors of billions of dollars, and received 150 years in prison--the maximum allowed.