Ninja Dog Escapes Without Anyone Even Noticing

Go figure. If anyone has any whereabouts of local speed demon, contact your closest euthanasian. Until then, community neighborhood confused as to why they can't finish their tennis games.

New Boardgame Suspended For Stereotype Perpetuation

Just when Mattel thought it was making a board game the whole family could enjoy, the new and improved game—reminiscent of the game Life— left questionable players in a state of confusion and got people shouting in unison “WHAT THE $%^&!!???”

Version 2.0, The Other Game of Life, hit focus groups with a prototype about the proposed game. New package design and reinvention of the pieces were thought to make the game more interesting with spicy new features to bring more action to the table.

Mattel told us, “We wanted to make the game more ‘Life-like.’ We figured if the game was called ‘Life,’ it should embody a realistic portrayal of real households. We created an eastern urban edition where the dinky Suburu-style station wagons have now been changed into Low riders. And we’ve included a superfluous amount of seats just for the kids. As you bounce through the game, you stumble onto your Life chips, which have now been replaced by food stamps.”

Looking at the prototype, we asked the prospective buyers of the focus group what they thought about the “newly improved” game.

“It’s messed up! It perpetuates typical stereotypes found in the lower socioeconomic statuses. I mean, why is half of the spin wheel blacked out? You can no longer land a 12.”

Mattel wouldn’t comment, but others in the focus group implicated that “the players can only reach a five, as a means to show that in this Life, you can’t advance as far or as fast.”

Besides gangsters, hookers, and pimps found on the cover of the board game, we tore into the packaging and noticed part of the board had already been stolen.

The focus group finally reconvened to tell us that they didn't hate the players; they hated the game.

Area Man Blames The Cosmos For Getting Fired

Area man by the name of Johnnie Joe Joe recently got fired from his managerial position at QualiTech Inc. last week and tells sources that there was no acceptable reason for the lay-off. He also informed us he is a big believer in the way of the universe and feels everything will unravel as it should, but this one, he was not going to just roll over and accept.
"I follow closely my horoscope and feel really connected to the universe. If it tells me I shouldn't go to work this week or so, I wasn't going to risk it.''
Upon reading Johnnie's self-fulfilling prophecy, we saw nothing in writing that told him to sacrifice his future business ventures. He explained we didn't know how to read the damn forces of power and spelled it out for us, sign by sign.
"See it says right here: With Saturn coming into your house this first part of the month, and Uranus not too far away, you should feel compelled to not make any future negotiations when it comes to business or pleasure. See. I own a Saturn and it's in my house, my garage. My living room is right next to the garage and sit there quite frequently and watch TV."
Apparently the sign of Uranus was tied close to his lazy boy recliner watching CW.
"As the month begins, you will be happy to have Mars, your ruler, in divinely compatible with Cancer, lighting your ninth house of comfort. Then I put it all together when I realized I was eating a Mars bar at that exact moment watching a news clip about cancer prevention. It was a sign."
As we continued to go through each sign, planet, star, comet, gaseous force, black hole, and so on and so forth with Johnnie, we graciously patted him on his back as we began to realize Johnnie had no effin clue what he was even talking about when it came to interpreting this "wise cosmic scripture."
The only force that seemed to rule Johnnies behavior was a overwhelming force of apathy, demotivation, and delusion when reading into the universe trying to convince him to stay home. The only sign we felt you realized was one of a phone ringing, most likely your boss on the other end? What are you going to tell us next Johnnie? Maybe if the force of Uranus came in your house of love would just equate to you having a romantic night with yourself?
We patted him once more and gave him no resolution to his pathetic misinterpreted life, and told him, "This was the 'dawning age of Aquarius', where a full [Blue] moon would be waiting for us after being driven by the force of [our] Mercury [sedan]." Namaste, Johnnie.