Turnip Removed From Tournament For Suspected Steroid Use

The turnip claims its large physique is caused from a hormone imbalance due to a pituitary disorder. Turnip is currently undergoing drug-testing before it can continue its endorsements towards young kids yet claims its juice is "o-natural." The children's book deal has currently been injected rejected.

Sarah Palin Sent To Hospital For Choking On Her Words

If you didn’t get enough of her policies during the first McCainian round of Maverick hoopla, she’s here to shove her nim-witted perspective in your face one more time, only this time, behind the paraphrased and clearly edited writing skills of her ghost writer. Promoting her new book, “Going Rogue”, Palin continued to defend herself and blame others for her campaign loss in 2008 on her appearance on Oprah. The young female rogue seemed to being having some trouble halfway through her interview.

She begins to ramble, “ W e l l , l e t ' s s e e . T h e r e ' s o f c o u r s e in this great history of America, gosh darn it, doncha just luv this country, but like I was saying, when it comes to issues like public option for healthcare, which Biden is a big believer and, well, I blame some of my campaign advisers on prepping me on certain issues, and, well, the fact that Russia is so close to my house has to count for something right? I mean foreign policy and 9-11 dog bat cat wall and purple stinky Chinkychack….”

Palin started turning blue. It appeared via live recoding that Palin was literally choking on her own rhetoric. With lowered levels of oxygen flowing to her brain she starting spitting out more insane words which could only be described as a state of delirium.

“ I n g r e a t h i s t o r y A m e r i c a r u l i n g there t h e r e ' s g o i n g not never a b s o l u t e c o n s e n s u s A m e r i c a n , i s s u e s , R o e v . Biden , s t a t e l e v e l a n d a d d r e s s e d. S o , y o u k n o w , A m e r i c a , … you know reform job it to be about ….”

It wasn’t long after this, Palin fell from out of her chair and needed medical assistance of ambulance and resuscitation. Upon treating the woman warrior, they had found out too much surprise, Palin had no healthcare coverage. C.P.R. were not the letters of a true Maverick. D.I.Y. apparently were. Well, we can all see how this unfolds….

We were amazed, though, this untimely incident didn’t occur on that famous Couric interview months prior to the election where her incoherent rambling sentence structure; her throwing-in of a few compound phrases; and the way she ends the fragment with an up-note inflection, were all tell-tale signs of a Stage 5 Incoherence: a clear medical condition found in rambling pseudo-political celebrity want-to-be politicians and their incessant use of Ad Hominems and Non Sequiturs. Going Rogue never sounded so wrong.

Ninja Dog Escapes Without Anyone Even Noticing

Go figure. If anyone has any whereabouts of local speed demon, contact your closest euthanasian. Until then, community neighborhood confused as to why they can't finish their tennis games.

New Boardgame Suspended For Stereotype Perpetuation

Just when Mattel thought it was making a board game the whole family could enjoy, the new and improved game—reminiscent of the game Life— left questionable players in a state of confusion and got people shouting in unison “WHAT THE $%^&!!???”

Version 2.0, The Other Game of Life, hit focus groups with a prototype about the proposed game. New package design and reinvention of the pieces were thought to make the game more interesting with spicy new features to bring more action to the table.

Mattel told us, “We wanted to make the game more ‘Life-like.’ We figured if the game was called ‘Life,’ it should embody a realistic portrayal of real households. We created an eastern urban edition where the dinky Suburu-style station wagons have now been changed into Low riders. And we’ve included a superfluous amount of seats just for the kids. As you bounce through the game, you stumble onto your Life chips, which have now been replaced by food stamps.”

Looking at the prototype, we asked the prospective buyers of the focus group what they thought about the “newly improved” game.

“It’s messed up! It perpetuates typical stereotypes found in the lower socioeconomic statuses. I mean, why is half of the spin wheel blacked out? You can no longer land a 12.”

Mattel wouldn’t comment, but others in the focus group implicated that “the players can only reach a five, as a means to show that in this Life, you can’t advance as far or as fast.”

Besides gangsters, hookers, and pimps found on the cover of the board game, we tore into the packaging and noticed part of the board had already been stolen.

The focus group finally reconvened to tell us that they didn't hate the players; they hated the game.

Area Man Blames The Cosmos For Getting Fired

Area man by the name of Johnnie Joe Joe recently got fired from his managerial position at QualiTech Inc. last week and tells sources that there was no acceptable reason for the lay-off. He also informed us he is a big believer in the way of the universe and feels everything will unravel as it should, but this one, he was not going to just roll over and accept.
"I follow closely my horoscope and feel really connected to the universe. If it tells me I shouldn't go to work this week or so, I wasn't going to risk it.''
Upon reading Johnnie's self-fulfilling prophecy, we saw nothing in writing that told him to sacrifice his future business ventures. He explained we didn't know how to read the damn forces of power and spelled it out for us, sign by sign.
"See it says right here: With Saturn coming into your house this first part of the month, and Uranus not too far away, you should feel compelled to not make any future negotiations when it comes to business or pleasure. See. I own a Saturn and it's in my house, my garage. My living room is right next to the garage and sit there quite frequently and watch TV."
Apparently the sign of Uranus was tied close to his lazy boy recliner watching CW.
"As the month begins, you will be happy to have Mars, your ruler, in divinely compatible with Cancer, lighting your ninth house of comfort. Then I put it all together when I realized I was eating a Mars bar at that exact moment watching a news clip about cancer prevention. It was a sign."
As we continued to go through each sign, planet, star, comet, gaseous force, black hole, and so on and so forth with Johnnie, we graciously patted him on his back as we began to realize Johnnie had no effin clue what he was even talking about when it came to interpreting this "wise cosmic scripture."
The only force that seemed to rule Johnnies behavior was a overwhelming force of apathy, demotivation, and delusion when reading into the universe trying to convince him to stay home. The only sign we felt you realized was one of a phone ringing, most likely your boss on the other end? What are you going to tell us next Johnnie? Maybe if the force of Uranus came in your house of love would just equate to you having a romantic night with yourself?
We patted him once more and gave him no resolution to his pathetic misinterpreted life, and told him, "This was the 'dawning age of Aquarius', where a full [Blue] moon would be waiting for us after being driven by the force of [our] Mercury [sedan]." Namaste, Johnnie.

Audience Member Misreads the Point of Magic Tricks

A young woman was outraged by the “indecent” behavior performed on her by a Vegas-show magician Friday night. She claimed the perverted magician used his magic tricks to take advantage of her while on stage.
“Well I could first tell by his method of foreplay where he chained me up to a wall and started to throw knives at me in some sick dominatrix as to get some rise out of me,” she said.
The magician replied,“she was asking for it. She really was. She volunteered from the audience. You can’t rape the willing.”
She said he was planning to take advantage of the situation further by putting her under hypnosis and have his way with her.
“Of course I needed to have my way with her. What good is hypnosis if the client doesn’t follow your instructions? She refused to believe she was a duck.”
After her involuntary quacking and arm -lapping incident, she continued to accuse him of eye rape and mind control—not to be confused with intense concentration, of course. She said she felt powerless--probably from being hypnotized—and she demanded a restraining order for her lower half after his Saw-A-Box -In-Half routine. He was asked to stay at least 50 yards away. So, in rebuttal, he levitated her to the muther-fuckin heavens. Then he literally disappeared. No further word on his side of the story, but, the hat full of pigeons have been taken into custody.

Tourette’s Epidemic Arises Due To Twitter Glitch

It was a very historic moment today when people experienced a Twitter glitch due to an overwhelming amount of users and activity. Twitter’s site went down for four hours starting at around 11 am only to return working around 3pm. Not only did people start feeling frustrated and even anxious, but they started freaking out like a heroin junkie going through withdrawal.
It was reported some people were snapping at co-workers, pulling out their hair, twitching uncontrollably, and cursing as if a sailor and truck driver got together and had a baby with Tourette’s.
After restraining one fuck-upped weirdo—eh hem, we mean Twitter enthusiast—in a straight jacket and fed him a couple Valium to calm his nerves, we asked him about his reaction to the website letting him down.
“I tweet every 30 minutes at this point. I was getting really angry that Twitter let me miss out on 8 separate and very important tweets. How else was someone going to know about the latte I had for breakfast, the itch on my balls, and most importantly, the glitch!! When they develop these sites and play with our dependency on them, they are fucking with our emotions and that’s where they really cross the line! I almost resorted going back to Facebook, and even more desperate, My Space.” As he said this, the loon began to cry in his sense of immediate loss to the rest of inane tweets given by all other members of society.
We witnessed the Twitter-slaves restarting their computers, shaking their monitors, yelling at screens, and crawling up into balls and crying in their swivel chairs. One rogue decided to sink to the Facebook level—a code Orange—and started a group called Tweet Riot. Date: Today at 2, Worldwide. BYOF. (Bring Your Own Followers).
As much as these fuck nuts wanted to tweet their frustrations about the glitch, one positive note was that there was a significant decline in Tweet-related car accidents. Although everyone was going ape-shit crazy in their cars, they were still able to focus on the road despite their manic fits of withdrawal from this popular social media site. It’s interesting to note, when a popular website crashes, less people seem to crash themselves. Although there was less traffic online, it didn’t do a god-damn thing for the 405. Ah, tw$#t traffic!

Virgin Atlantic: Flying High? Or Stooping Low?

We may have all seen Virgin's lame attempt to advertise their planes by making the sexual connection of virginity and the consumer's first time on their flights. Brilliant? Yah, we didn't think so either. But what's really going on in this campaign transcends all levels of racism, homophobia, and alcoholiphobia (a fear of alcoholics, for the late person). Virgin really took their brand identity to a new level, not only passing up on a play on words for virginity, but they based their identity of virginity based on purity, and purity of thought. So instead of revealing purity, they bash everything else they find impure. Genius? Perhaps. Controversial? Definitely. So we wonder why Virgin Atlantic would take this approach? With a company that flies so high, why would they stoop so low? Maybe they want us to believe Virgina Atlantic is only for heterosexual, white, sober people. If that's the case, their flights seems to be stripped of anything fun about flying in the first place. Yah, it may be a safer flight, but definitely not an intersting one. So if there is anything else left to say, it's FUCK VIRGIN.

It Appears More People Convert to Judaism During Economic Crisis

With the onset of the falling economy due to the mortgage-backed securities, the housing crisis situation, scandals on Wall Street, and so on and on and on and on and on, it appeared as if people were losing even more faith in their government and the future. At this critical time, it was interesting to observe a considerable rise in the Jewish faith. Just like in any situation, where people turn to religion to solve their problems, we found it interesting that people were not leaning towards the hegemony of Christianity.
Of course we weren’t grabbing these statistics from watching a rise in temple attendance, staying home on Jewish holidays, or a spike in Hollah, Matzah, or even bagels. Hahaha, no. That would be inaccurate and impetuous.
We asked a young middle-aged older man how his life has changed during this difficult economic time. Georgie responded, “I’ve definitely cut way back on my spending on leisure items as well as even some of the essentials I used to not be able to go without. I let my other friends pick up the bill when we go out, act as if I have no money when the cabbie wants his fare, and even yelled at a man once for not giving me precisely my 38 cents change when I ordered a sandwich. I must say, I felt I was becoming Jewish.”
Georgie continued to tell us as he cut back, one thing he continued to let grow; something he referred to as his JewFro. “I realized if I was cutting things out, I might as well stop getting haircuts and embraced the hairstyles of my new-found religion. I also pick up nickels I find on the sidewalk and find myself developing an interest in directing feature-length films.”
As Georgie continued to pile the lox on his bagel and cream cheese, he said, “Its weird how a crisis can bring about change in people’s lives. I feel as though the way this economy has forced me to cut back, I have found a new way of how I go about life. I mean, if Jesus can do it, why can’t we?”
There were many other similar stories, so no need to tell you a minimal of three to make a valid point, just trust us, it happened, ok? So if you think you’re above Judaism or even above this economy, then you have quite a lot of chutzpah to stick to your old-fashioned ways of Starbucks and picking up the tab. I think we can all learn a little something about Georgie and his ability to convert religions based on the pure Darwinian means of survival. Judaism: It’s not as exclusive as you would think.

When It Comes To New Flavor, Ben and Jerry’s Decides To Pull Out

After its recent release into grocery stores yesterday, Ben and Jerry’s was asked to pull their newest flavor from the shelf because of implications of male bodily fluid. The flavor's sexual title “Happy Ending” may have shot over the makers' heads, but it left a bad taste in consumers' mouths.

True to the Ben and Jerry tradition, the ice creams are generally a concoction of several random ingredients that are named something quirky to adhere to its brand image. But this concoction had several people guessing what could have possibly been included in this gem.

The makers caught up with us and said, “We really didn’t think anything of it, really. We just thought about enjoying a creamy delectable at the end of a hard day’s work. We just figured it was the best way to end your night. With competitors naming their ice cream things like Soy Dream and Ciao Sorbet, we wanted something that would stand out amongst the rest.”

It sure did. Not only did the title embody sexual overtone, but imbued even further coital connotations when it mentioned an ice cream that was “chocked full of nuts, popping with cherries, and mind-blowing fudge,” and “it’s so nice, enjoy it twice."

Consumers said with original masterpieces such as Chunky Monkey, Phish Food, and Half-Baked, they would be willing to give the new flavor a try, but said they would never eat it in front of anyone else, only late at night, and exclusively in their bedroom with niche television content.

When it comes to the release of Ben and Jerry's new creamy concoction, they might seriously consider pulling out on this one. Whether a slight name change is the answer to save this creamy concoction from getting the boot, both parties were completely blown by the situation.

New Drink Turned Down At Bars For Being Too Pessimistic.

One local bar recently decided to reject the idea of a new mixed drink because the drink’s name encapsulated too much pessimism, not to mention supreme enthusiasm for American patriotism. The newly-invented drink entitled, “La Terrorista”, reflected controversial overtones that directly attack the belief systems of the US and many Republican imbibing enthusiasts. The creator said the name was merely an artistic expression and should not be taken so literally. He continues to tell us that he should not be ridiculed and excused himself with reasons like 1st Amendment rights and freedom of expression, blablahblah. He said the title treatment only reflected contents found in the drink and how the how the drink makes you feel. He continued by saying,

“I decided to name the drink “La Terrorista” because I wanted to include very low-grade alcohol that incinerates quite quickly. The drink is mixed with Bacardi 151, Kalishnakov, and that cheap shit found in giant gallon bottles at 10 bucks a pop, mostly purchased by college students on a very low budget. The alcohols are ice-shook and then poured into a triple shot glass on top one ounce of tomato juice and then finally topped with hot sauce. This fiery concoction is then light on fire after pouring and then slid towards you across the counter of the bar.”

He said the method on which the shot is delivered to the drinker, red hot and on fire, was reflective of American culture.

“We cannot get away from the problems of terrorism or alcoholism, so we should embrace both of them.”

The shoddy alcohol burns quickly and should be blown out upon its arrival, then immediately downed in one giant gulp. If you didn’t get enough burning of the throat from the shoddy dirt cheap alcoholic trifecta, the hot sauce will really bite at your throat and possibly start burning its way up into your nasal cavity.

“Once the tears start pouring you will realize the true effects of “La Terroista”,” he adds. His creative endeavors have given rise to other innovative beverages not yet presented towards the National Barista Association of America. We’re literally dying to see what he comes up with next.

Environmental Psychologist Caught Pep-Talking Plants

Located in the hipster environmentalist mecca of Southern California, a young woman was approached after she was caught talking to her plants. This young woman from Santa Monica claimed a profession she liked to call an Environmental Psychologist. Although she has no actual credentials in this field, or that the so-called field even exists, she pushes forward to tell others that this is a new upcoming profession and that she isn’t bat-shit crazy.

“My expertise in this field started about three years ago when I realized my extensive interest in horticulture, and more so, I was socially awkward and had no friends,” she stated. She continued to tell her loony-bin plant stories to be cathartic and fulfilling. But what did this actual profession entail? She continued to tell reporters that she possessed a “unique gift” that she could read exactly what the plants wanted and needed and that she was able to help them thrive in their current environment.

“My clairvoyance along with my superfluous attention to detail allowed me to figure out that the plants were asking for more than just water, but that they also needed the warm touch of the human voice. These plants are human just like us and they deserve the same basic human rights.”

She continued to tell us as she began talking to her plants, they began to listen to her and grow according to her storytelling.

“I tell a wide range of stories to my plants, mostly personal life experiences. I had gone through a traumatic experience at one point in my life and ran home to talk to my plants. I wept and wept about my bitter atrocities and watered my plants with my tears. Although I thought I was doing a sustainable and conservationist act, I ended up killing my plants with my salty tears. It made my current situation even worse.”

She learned that salty eye discharge and bitter martyrdom of her storytelling led her plants to their own demise. Apparently, even her plants could not handle her storytelling. With this in mind, reporters began to wonder who the actual psychologist was-- her, or the plants?

Area Woman Buys New Phone Because Guy Did Not Text Back

Area woman, Janae Peters, purchased a new cellular phone because she was convinced her phone was mal-functional when her male interest failed to text her.

“The signs were all there”, she stated, “I was wondering why the young gentleman failed to text me after I sent one of those cutesy little texts that referred to some little inside joke we had between the two of us over dinner last week. Then I sent another one the next day asking him what his plans were for the weekend, then another one the next day telling him about my day, then another one with a little joke and winky emoticons all over the place, and then finally another one to ask if he had gotten the previous winky text.”

As she was talking, she appeared to be focused on her phone texting, possibly to this very very unfortunate man. Janae continued, “I’ve read all those relationship books about him being into the girl and how to tell and what-not, and after following all their rules very closely, I realized I played the game correctly and that the cell phone was to blame for shoddy SMS services and not for the fact that he just wasn’t that into me. It was the cell phone that was wrong.”

She continued to blame AT&T for having a few bars in some places, automatic call failing, and immediate voicemail to a full mailbox.

“I wasn’t too concerned even though a week had gone by and I still had not heard from him after our point of intercourse. It was time for an upgrade.”

Instead of upgrading Janae’s standards, she opted to upgrade her cell phone.

“The iPhone seemed like the best option for me. Although I was completely locked into a contract so I couldn’t go with a better connection service, and that AT&T would rape my wallet cold and heartless with nothing left to give, I needed a newer phone. And although the calls would still fail, at least I looked cool with it. Everyone texts anyways so failed calls really didn’t concern me. Now I would finally receive all those missed texts I didn’t receive when I had my old phone. It’s a sure thing.”

Although Janae now seems happier with her new phone, her naiviete and overwhelming sense of denial led her to overlook the whole “going through a tunnel” excuse and “I’m in a place where phones don’t exist.” Not only that, but we later realized that Janae was purely having text conversations with herself at this point. We started to wonder, did the guy ever exist? And if he does, we know why she’s not receiving her texts. And we don’t blame him.