Apple Co-Worker Compares Steve Jobs To The Modern Day Tupac

New information was leaked the other day about an extended line-up of products that will come off of Apple’s assembly line even after the passing of great thinker and innovator, Steve Jobs. Turns out, Steve Jobs foresaw a great amount of technology in the future and still wanted to be Numero Uno even after his death. One close co-worker made comment:

“Steve Jobs was a great thinker and always knew what to expect. He wanted to keep giving back even after his passing so he made sure to really think ahead. A lot like Tupac making all those records before he got “shot” then ran off living in the Carribean somewhere. Yea, you could totally say he’s like the white-guy, techy Tupac of our generation. I guess you could call him TechPac. Not to mention, Apple and its nemesis, IBM, always at war with each other when it comes to having the sleekest, coolest product. I mean Apple totally blows them out the water, but like that battle where it was all like ‘east coast/west coast shit.’ We’re ‘west coast’ and everyone knows ‘west coast’ was better. California Love!! I mean hell, we’re from Silicon Valley. What up, Cali!”

As the co-worker continued why ‘west coast is the shit’ and ‘IBM ain’t got nothing on us,” he handed over some preliminative sketches for what to expect in 2056.

“Based on data research, intuitive thinking, and controlling what people will need in the future, Jobs came up with these prototypes that will have people goo-goo-gaaing over some iPhone 45.9 GS*. More megapixels, 4-D HDDDDD Video, Mind Reading Device by Retina Scanning …we’re talking the works!” Now that we think about it, Steve Jobs could almost foreshadow his own death the way Tupac did. We also caught him saying weird things in the mirror like, “That’s why I upgraded yo tablet, you fat motherfucker!” and “My Fo-Fo make sho all yo kids know how to intuitively use a smartphone.” And “Pack a vest for your smartphone in the city of Text.” Believe me, we haven’t seen the last of Steve Jobs yet.”

He later informaed us that Jobs was furthering Apple technology in the realm of hologram-ography where he could render himself as a three dimensional hologram in the office, giving constantly awesome Powerpoint presentations on innovation and synergy while still maintaining the same turtleneck to bring it back to reality. Some of the final last words he said to Apple that really hit home with everyone here was: “Brenda’s got a Baby.”

Obama Officially Declares 'War on Boredom'

With rising national debt and the discontent from high levels of unemployment, coupled with the government’s inability to keep its head out of its ass, an epidemic is surging around the nation that is taking America by storm. Forget bird flu, swine flu, homo sapian flu. This illness is a progressive disease that is affecting the lives of millions across the country: Boredom.

While many 'Occupy Wherever' in hopes of making a point through cardboard signs, sitting around, and complaining about injustice, the real rallying cry fromwithin is the symptom of an even bigger problem. That’s right, Boredom. Those out of work are Bored for not having a job to kill 1/3 of their lives while those with jobs, brainlessly plug away at bullshit tasks that do not call on the potential for which they were hired. An advertising guru from New York, Joe, was desperately seeking work when he landed a job in a career that he loved; advertising. But, with the slim pickins of jobs out there, not to mention the cut-throat nature of the profession, Joe re-entered the work force after 15 years of experience as a Creative Director now with the label “intern.” After saying he would just take whatever he could get, he realized he was suffering from an incurable progressive disease called Boredom.

“Normally, I was building 360 integrated campaigns, innovative technology for online and social media, finding the ‘big idea’ for our clients that generated a lot of buzz. Which was awesome. Re-entering the work force has been quite humbling to say the least, or mostly I should say that the inanity and vapidity of my supervisors has led to hair-pulling, thoughts of monitor-bashing, sleeping under my desk, and scrolling through a bunch of wasteful online LOL cat meme bullshit.”

They throw a mug my way saying, “Fill this, intern; paper-shred this, intern; fetch our lunch, intern; condense this 350 word brand manifesto into two words, intern, and make it speak volumes about how we are dynamic, innovative, pushing the envelope, edgy, conservative, respectful, defiant, ambivalent, inquisitive, notorious, playful, and unique, have lots to offer, holistic, visionary, real, true, proud…and all that other stuff. Remember Joe, two words.”

Then the I never heard back from any of them. After being told to “sit tight for a little bit” and that “they’d swing by to brief me,” I remained sitting at my desk for thenext three weeks avidly awaiting the brief. After much thumb twiddling here, coffee filling there, I felt the alacrity burn off into what was the deepest lull of my creative life. Day after day, the same thing: power up comp, get coffee, open email, trash junk mail, open Twitter, open Facebook, open gchat, open Stumbleupon, refresh Twitter, refresh Facebook, check new online buddies, wait, stare at screen, twiddle thumbs, stare at hands while twiddling thumbs, contemplate needing lotion for the dry hands that are thumb-twiddling, contemplate what lunch will be like in three hours, hoping a brief comes through, more sipping and thumb-twiddling, sitting tight some more, then my head suddenly collapsed on my desk.

I thought I was having a stroke, but my doctor told me I was suffering from a serious disease called Boredom. He said, many of his patients have beencoming in frequently with similar symptoms, and although there was no immediate cure-all for the disease, he suggested hypnosis, daydreaming, or amphetamines. He said hypnosis or daydreaming would at least mentally place me somewhere completely different as to stimulate the brain and open up new neuronal pathways. On the flip side, he recommended high doses of Adderall, Ridilin, or Dexatrine because those chemical components made “everything and life really really fucking interesting.” I could find random quotes by Oscar Wilde deeply profound, or overanalyzing the subliminal and abstract beauty of Esther paintings, and found meaning in the dots on my screensaver. It’s likemy world was getting bigger again.

As the epidemic of Boredom was sweeping the nation, both those with and without jobs, people started flooding in for a solution. In the meantime, the Obama Administration made an announcement the other day about Declaring A War on Boredom saying the ‘epidemic has gotten way out of hand’ and that ‘these matters need to be dealth with’ and we need to ‘start holding people accountable’.

He proposed a plan with several features, with a total estimate of $30 trillion for the Boredom Budget. ‘We can get through this, and we will. But for now, we’re figuring out the kinks, so just have some faith, and just sit tight for a little bit.” Meanwhile the Administration kept babbling on about sitting tight, while viewers continued to grow bored of empty promises, turned off the television but were glad that the War on Boredom would finally resolve the War on Drugs.

Withstanding Evidence Proves Man Is Having The ‘Worst Day Of His Life’

Area man from Chicago, Illinois claimed yesterday was “by far the worst day of his life.” He continued, “You know, sometimes I’ve thought I had the worst day of my life before, but this only shows that today, by far, is in fact the worst day of my life. If for some reason you are interacting with me today, you will be in fact experiencing the nadir of my livelihood and general outlook on life.” He plotted crucial points on a graph to effectively visualize the agony and antipathy of his daily living.

“You can see, based on the graph, when decreased levels of productivity directly correlate to increased levels of intelligence, overall happiness hits ‘a serious fucking crucial point.’ This is what is categorized as ‘cubicle depression.’ Other variables included on the graph that sustain a ‘flatline’ effect without ‘completely dropping off the map’ include: 1.) lobotomy 2.) Facebook trolling 3.) Xanax.

What’s interesting to find, though, is that the summation of these variables does not, in fact, create an exponential effect in overall happiness, but it does prevent one lost soul from reaching an even lower point, not graphed—yet feared—called ‘corporate dementia’ brought on by ‘perpetual self-loathing.’ If that new crucial point is ever reached, I will not be able to have a graph to show you.”

Although his intelligence proved he was not being efficiently utilized to his capabilities, he proceeded to bash his head into a nearby office wall, which in turn, he included another variable on the graph.

'Deeply Obvious Reflection #2' by Prophet Fucking Duh

"Only when you really look for things, will you truly find them." --Fucking Duh

'Deeply Obvious Reflection #1' By Prophet Fucking Duh

"Yesterday's problems are a thing of the past."--Fucking Duh

Weather: The Only Thing To Talk About In Chicago

A new survey was released the other day about Chicago only to find out the only thing going on or that anyone talked about was the weather. Weather this, weather that, whether the weather would affect their day. Normally used as a conversation starter, it was also noticed that the weather can become a large part of the conversation, and sometimes used as a closer. Sometimes when you step outside where people are congregating—whether at coffee shops, rooftops, or resturants—98% of people were, in fact, talking about the weather. The other 2% was designated for hobos' vain attempts for money, crack, or cigarettes, which were completely ignored and then everyone went back to focusing on the weather.

One man started up a conversation saying “Man, nice weather we got today.” Another responded, “Yah, great weather, hope we keep up with this great weather. Would hate to see the weather get shitty tomorrow. Do you know what the weather will be like tomorrow?” The other man responded, “Yea the weather tomorrow is not going to be as nice as the weather today, but it shouldn’t be any worse than the weather on Sunday. But where you live in the burbs, is the weather still nice out there?” The man responded, “Yea the weather’s about ten degrees colder, but weather’s weather whether you like the weather or not.”

Both men continued on with the conversation for yet a couple hours, sometimes taking a break to look into the sky, ponder about tomorrow’s forecast, making snide faces at the potential for rainfall, wind and rainfall, torrential down pour, a combination of rainfall in the morning/rainfall in afternoon/storms at night, or lightning in the morning/rain/cloudy/more lightning/overcast/freezing rain/30 mph wind, or the possibility of rainfall in the morning with some clouds/a peek of sun/lightning and thunder tearing up the sky for the afternoon/back to light rainfall/heavy down pour at night with 30 mph winds/ freezing rain/ then unseasonable freezing.

“See, when you’ve got weather, there’s a lot to talk about. The weather is about as fickle as my cheating-bitch ex-wife. Talk about a natural disaster. But still, I just go back to talking about the weather. It’s what brings us Chicagoans together.”

As he finished talking, he turned to another passer-by and started up again about the weather. Meanwhile, while everyone was talking about the weather, a giant windy rainstorm blew in and destroyed every umbrella in the city in 1.5 minutes, which in turn, gave Chicagoans something to talk about.

AT&T Ordains Itself In Order To Offer Marriage Contracts

With all the buzz of Mexico’s new legislation on marriage reform, it comes to no surprise that AT&T has just announced that it has ordained itself in order to take on marriage contracts. AT&T, a renowned mobile communications company, has decided to expand its business beyond the mobile world and extend its services into the lives of its customers by offering marriage contracts. Known for its failed calls and draconian contracts, AT&T found opportunity to stay afloat by promoting a new feature: wedlock.

A rep from AT&T said, “We offer a variety of different marriage contracts so you can pick the one that’s right for you. Whatever your reason is for getting married, we can offer you a great plan with lots of new features. We realize the term “love” is such a vague promise that we broke the concept down into sub-tier groups. We realize “love” can take on many forms.

“Whether you marry out of desperation for some fool to take care of you financially because you’re a washed up desperate-can’t-do-anything-for-yourself skank, we offer the ‘Desperate Gold Digger’ Plan, with option for renewal after two years. This is great for the purchaser because it leaves her needing to care longer than after the ring is laid on that money-thirsty finger.”

“If you marry for parenting reasons, typically it’s the first guy you ever dated, we offer the ‘Got Knocked Up Too Soon’ Plan. This is an 18 year binding contract that says both parties ‘have to pay for shit’ so the kids are raised in a ‘conceivably normally-looking environment with two parents,’ and no one can skip town. Basically, it’s an agreement that shows that you love your unplanned love child.”

“If you marry out of companionship, we offer the ‘I Don’t Want To Die Alone’ Plan with the option to renew every five years depending on the partners’ health."

"And finally our last, least popular, if you want to marry out of love, we offer the ‘Out Of Love’ Plan, which basically operates as a “pay as you go” and just generally runs out when you’re done paying for it. No contract required.”

Even with the new plans in effect hopefully generating new business, AT&T will still apply exorbitant fees if breaking any of these contracts or by self-eliminating. So for whatever your reason for tying the knot, AT&T promises that you can stay committed without having to stay committed. AT&T is set to launch its new proposal with spokeswoman Beyonce who promotes the campaign with the popular phrase, “If you like it then you should’ve put a ring [tone] on it.” Nice, AT&T. Good form.

'Occupy Wall Street' Overshadowed By 'Occupy My Time'

With all the talk and jibber jabber of ‘Occupy Wall Street’ for the past months or so, Congress launched its own initiative as a response to protesters everywhere called ‘Occupy My Time.’ After a long, long vacation Congress took and no one in Washington D.C. to pass bills in order to “get things done,” Congress admitted that, even though they have jobs, they really didn’t do anything with them.

“Basically, we sit in our seats all day arguing this, filibustering that, making puppet gestures with our hands that mock Obama’s hopeful insights to job creation… blah blah blah. We all break for three hours lunches then watch some Dems fall asleep at the podium while advocating ‘serious change.’ We proposed the idea of ‘Occupy My Time’ so we can actually say we're 'getting things done.' Ok, we can't, not really, but you get the idea."

“We’ve realized the slowed rate of job creation has come to a halt, so we empathize with the protesters for not having anything to do all day. Hell, the only reason we sit inside all day is so we don’t have to stand outside all day. We get chairs so it’s great. ‘Occupy My Time’ is a presumptuous initiative for us to look more productive than we actually are. It’s great and it gives the illusion to the public we’re actually getting things done. Who could argue with that? Yea they argue they are the 99%; we’re the 1%. And that 1% really only works at 15% efficiency. So, are we really that different after all?”

With ‘Occupy Wall Street’ and now ‘Occupy My Time’ in full- effect, the result is clear: whether you have a job or not, nothing ever gets done. God Bless America!

Sony Pissed At Hacker’s Attempt To Try To Innovate The Company

Sony released a statement the other day notifying its customers that its network had been compromised when hackers hacked into 93,000 different accounts of its customers. Although no hacker would make a statement in their defense, word has it that their incentive was to hack in order to improve the quality of the software of the company.

Sony made a statement to defend the mediocrity of the company’s performance when it said, “Yea, we understand we’re not as awesome as Apple and a bunch of those other guys, nor are we the modern marvel in revolutionizing software and technology. In fact, we’re pretty sub-par when it comes to design and making things look cool, but we’re keeping up, and we know our role.”

Sony adamantly defended its stance of “wanting to stay floating somewhere in the middle of all things” and not come off as a pompous asshole that craps apps in your face, constant upgrades, and product obsolescence. “We like being the shy kid on the block you only wave to once in a blue moon. Anymore is too much for us.”

Sony continued, “The fact that hackers wanted to come in and ‘improve things’, well we were not going to stand for that. Our customers are happy with the turtle-slow progression of our technology and any quick advancements would be too much of a shock for customers too fast, too soon. We’re just not ready to take on “all that other fancy tech stuff’.”

Sony filed a lawsuit against the hackers on account of “taking the company in a direction it could not afford to go, could not understand, and could not use themselves.” Later ten programmers were fired for software development that was “too innovative.”

Full-Blown Alcoholic Finds Zen After Three Day Bender

A local drunk from Seattle, Washington claimed that he found Zen after going on a three day bender at his local dive bar. He told newspapers the other day that he internalized the Buddhist philosophy in his daily morning rituals when he arrives to work on Mondays.

“Man I pretty much go HAM (Hard Ass Motherfucker) all weekend from the second I leave the office on Friday till Sunday night when I pass out—go to bed. Yea that shit’s pretty crazy all weekend but on Monday morning can I really say I’m truly Zen.”

After reaching for a cup of coffee and powering up his computer, the guy said, “I can truly exhibit the philosophy of ‘I am nothing’.” He also contributes his level of brain activity to the Zen teachings as well. “Yea, I can pretty much go all day without a thought in my head, pay attention to none of the chaos around me, and can truly say nothing runs through my head all day. I think I really practice an eight hour meditation while scrolling through Facebook and avoiding co-workers. I just don’t sit under a tree is all.”

What the area man constructed to be Zen, co-workers claimed was a Stage 3 mental retardation caused by the weekend whisky consumption and that he was just getting dumber by the second. “We give him a report to complete and he just says, ‘Let me meditate on that for a little bit, and then we never see it returned. He kinda just zones out at his computer looking like he’s thinking really hard, and some times we catch him with his eyes closed.”

The pseudo-Zen enthusiast was fired later that day and when we asked him what he thought about that he said, “I can’t really think anything of it,” then went outside and passed out under a tree.

PETA’s New Carnal Campaign Proves They Still Have Their Heads Stuck Up Their Ass

We all know how crazy PETA can get with shoving their veganism down people’s throats, not to mention their blatantly ridiculous advertising in every effort to save every pelt and animal life from consumption, but PETA launched its new campaign yesterday that bleeds with hypocrisy while still maintaining its same key value propositions—don’t eat animals; eat people.

PETA seems to piss off a lot of people with their rhetoric, and realizing they weren’t popular among most, said “Fuck it! Eat them instead!” PETA’s rationale was one of none, saying that cannibalism actually saved animals’ lives while also promoting a sustainable lifestyle.

“See, when you eat people, that helps with population control which limits the consumption of humans eating other animals to survive. Do you know how much grain it takes to sustain 1 pound of meat? A human could eat 12 pounds of grain for just that one pound of meat. If we just killed and ate the human, we could have like 150 pounds of meat, still have 12 pounds of grain left over, and the cow could still live. It just makes sense.”

PETA went back to sticking its head up its ass then flashed a fucked up billboard in our face that promoted the idea—although the tagline really doesn’t make any fucking sense.

GOP Candidate Mitt Romney Plans to Solve Occupy Wall Street By Buying Every Protester a Big Scoop of Strawberry Ice Cream

Welcome to tonight’s Republican Economics Debate.

Happy Imperialism Day!

Celebrate Columbus Day by stealing someone's lunch, car, or wife, then defend your right to take it by means of "discovery."