New Fad Diet: The Break-Up Diet Trumps The Lemonade Cleanse

A new fad diet has been all the rage in recent weeks among the socially elite and celebrities that has gotten everyone talking. We've all heard about the infamous Lemonade Cleanse, Atkins Diet, South Beach Diet, food pairing, Blood-Type Diet and the list goes on without avail. But this new diet combines the emotional side effects of relationships to gear positive effects on the body. The Break-Up Diet is exactly what it sounds like. After breaking up with your significant other, the female body goes into a state of recession, not wanting to eat, depressed from rejection. Popular among Hollywood celebrities--as so many couples break up over and over again-- surfaced a trend which fueled this diet. Some celebrities even admitted to dating just to get to the break-up to get that shameful visceral feeling which led to their weight loss--which they viewed as a positive side effect. Other alternate diets among Hollywood celebs include the Divorce Diet and the On-Camera Affair Diet. Although we could trace this diet back to Paris Hilton-- as she has gotten a ride from more boys than the village bicycle-- she admits she's free from any fad diet and only sticks to what she knows: cocaine that mysteriously looks like bubble gum in her purse.

Facebook Users Upload Meal Time And Happy Hour Pics To Appear Adventurous

With all the fury of Facebook--and apps running out the whazoo-- a new study reveals that nearly 85% of Facebook users typically post pictures of something they are about to consume for lunch, dinner, dessert, or happy hour. Some of the users might even continue with a status update normally mentioning how great the delectable was, and, may even include a winky face or giant smiley emoticon. One Facebooker gave insight as to the incentive behind the mobile epicurean uploading.

"Well beyond my general affinity for various cuisine and imbibitions, I just want the whole virtual world to know what a god damn good time I'm having. So what if sometimes it just tastes like crap. You can't tell from the picture. Plus it just looks awesome!"

Popular status updates include: "Hanging out with my besties with only the best champagne around," "you can probably guess I cleaned up that dish," to "now that was better than I could have ever dreamed. The itus will put me back to sleep so I can dream about it all over again."

Other users admit they do it out of complete "look at me look at me" mentality because snapping a picture of their lunch while sitting at their cubicle is by far the most interesting thing that has happened to them all day.

"But we must post! We must post daily!! I even troll for comments, hoping my own pic will get everyone wishing they had my lunch too!! It feels soooooo good! More comments, more comments, more…….muahahahahaha"

Not only has the social media site connected over 500 million users around the world, but it can now pinpoint the exact things people are eating and drinking on a day-by-day basis. This information will then be used by Mark Zuckerburg, Facebook founder, to sell to Groupon and other food and beverage companies for advertising space that hangs in the right side of your profile, which leads you to the place that gets you the app to take another picture of your food or drink that will be targeted at you on the right hand side of your profile the very next day. Eat, snap, repeat...please:)

Thuggies: Full of Innovation? Or Full Of Crap?

A new and "innovative" re-branding of the popular diaper "Huggies" hit the shelves last week and got people thinking about the intentions behind the change. Strategists over at Kimberly-Clark decided to share some of their thoughts about the new direction.

"After gathering much information in focus groups, we heard that Huggies just hadn't done anything innovative, ground-breaking, or anything that established some kind of cultural movement, so to speak. So we wanted to put that shock value back into the product. We figured this product really needed to speak the attitudes of young children coming into this world, to speak way earlier than with the utterance of even their first word. We wanted diapers with attitude."

"Thuggies" became the new take-over of this idea, with a collection of various catchphrases stamped on the back of each diaper.

"We figured with the triple protection leak barriers, nothing was getting past those pampers. With the super- absorbent cottons within, that pamper could suck up more than a Bounty roll, leaving that pamper maxed out in protection. With all the premium absorption leads to a heavy weight which may in fact lead the diapers to sag. Well, we saw this as a marketing opportunity and decided to rename the diaper "Thuggies" for the way it naturally sinks towards the ground. Add a little catchphrase on the back and you got an infant with attitude. We want to establish that sense of personality and individualism through the diaper."

"If they can make Denim-looking pampers, why can't we have the underlying boxer look that was so popular among hip-hop high school kids in the early '90s? C'mon, it's just a freedom of expression that happens within the doors of your own home. Live a little. Don't take it too seriously. "

Of course, many celebrities were reticent to put their name behind this product, except of course the renown Hollywood sell-outs: The Kardashian sisters. They will dominate this market, and only shows that they will once again, put their name behind a bunch of crappy products.

2010 Douche Badge Awarded To Municipal Profession: Meter Maid

They make more appearances than Paris Hilton. They give out more tickets than the state lotto. They are more notorious than BIG and they are more disliked than Kayne West. Yes, you may have guessed it. The 2010 Douche Badge was awarded to the municipal profession: the dreaded Meter Maid. Grunting four minutes past the expired meter, one man flung his ticket in disdain and cursed the asshole in a pseudo-authoritative uniform. Drivers notice the smug disposition of these city workers, thinking they're as bad-ass as cops, sitting there with their time clickers and waiting for that precise moment when--BAM!!-expired. Too bad. They laugh in delight when the pen hits the pad of ticket paper. Well, the people have voted and Meter Maid won in a landslide. They considerably outweighed other frowned-upon professions such as hookers and clowns; at least they provide services of entertainment service. Keep your quarters handy.

New Site Takes A DeadBEET To A BEETNIK

The TURNIP is using its publications today to showcase his bastard cousin, BEETNIK. The BEETNIK is a collaborative effort with The TURNIP that showcases artistic and aesthetic expressions of popular culture, politics, and--most importantly--nonsense, in a visual way. Sliced in between are some musical beets to keep your ear juiced and ready for eargasm. Have a look.

His savagery can be frowned upon at turnipart.wordpress.com

Chevy Release of 2011 Motor Vehicle: ReVOLTing

While saving Chevy/GM and Chrysler's asses last year with an enormous automobile bailout, Chevy made the promise to ensure the bailout was essential to keep the company from collapsing and people losing their jobs. After much efforts to design a prototype that fit the standards of a green-growing economy and to appeal to the needs of its consumers, Chevy launched its new automobile ensuring that it will be the best performance vehicle of 2011. Chevy recently launched its ad campaign that promoted the new car. Chevy knew it could not continue lying to the American public come another year; it decided to be very upfront with its advertising. Chevy's automobile--The Revolting-- hit billboards everywhere with its honest advertising that got people feeling doubtful of the progress Chevy has made-- and ultimately wished wished wished--that they had never bailed them out in the first place. Seems like this bailout turned out to be a major car crash in decision making. On another note, it appears that FiAT bought out Chrysler. They knew their only chance to successfully sell the hunks of junk was to throw in an air freshener, a big breasted Italian woman, and a bottle of wine. Prego!

Lindsay Lohan Establishes A Revolving-Door Rehab For Convenience

Lindsay Lohan muttered fragmented thoughts the other day from her sobering vacation at the Betty Ford Clinic saying that her experience there led her wanting to open her own rehab facility. Although most would think this endeavor would fall under the pretenses of philanthropy, coming to terms with her addictions, and genuinely offering her support to want to help others succeed, the interest was a self-serving. From what an insider was able to decipher from her fragmented sentences, Lindsay admitted her main reason for opening her own clinic was mainly for convenience. "I knew I'd like totally end up back here again. It's all show and I needs some money. Banking off other people problems to support my own seemed like a great idea."

Recently being dismissed from playing in the upcoming movie called Inferno, she already realized she was living in some sort of sobering hell.

"I'm starved: for food, attention, and money. People aren't buying my leggings so much so I had to expand my coke line--clothing line! So, yes, add to them you see. Throw in some pinky acryllics, bullet necklaces, Lohan compact mirror, and some silly straws. Then like, who needs Dancing With The Stars to save my career? I'll put that DWTStar's cosmic dust right up my nose. Then come home and chill at my new place for a little bit. No biggie. That's why I want a revolving door. I'm always losing my keys. I can't feel my face."

Insider lost interest long time earlier about this conversation as Lohan was spotted outside talking to a tree, hugged it and said, "at least someone here gets me. Ugh."

New Study Classifies Happiness As An Abnormal Psychological Disorder

After several studies, conclusive data proves that happiness in a psychological disorder. Although many people have not been diagnosed with this disorder, it has be proven that this rare disorder has been seen among certain people. Happiness occurs in the brain with large clusters of neurons lighting up in the brain and in the central nervous system. Although the study reveals that happiness is statistically abnormal, the disorder has been seen in super peppy cheerleaders, Playboy bunnies, overly-elated workout instructors, and housewives in holiday sweaters. Scientists are looking more closely at these particular individuals to see--what in fact--causes this excessive abnormal happiness and treat it accordingly with certain medications called Debbie Downers, exposure to long periods of traffic, printer jams, burnt dinners, screaming children, and wrinkles.

Perv Waves His Wand At TSA Officer In A Pat Down

Due to heightened alerts for terrorism during the holiday season, very thorough pat downs have been enforced as people pass through security screening checks at the airport upon boarding their flights. Although this thorough screening freaked people out about the touchy-feely groping and invasions of privacy, TSA reiterated that this was purely a security measure. But one man was not pressured by the extensive pat down and found himself quite aroused by the measure. Officer Sheila Rodriguez was forced to take action against a man who--when patted down--pointed his member at her while searching for hidden weapons and explosives. He responded that he could not control his concealed weapon of love and proceeded to compliment her, ask her for her number, and to take her to dinner.

"If she could have this kind of affect on me while going through standard security measures, imagine what she could do behind closed doors. The uniform's really hot too. Man I'd like her to use her taser on me." Rodriguez overlooked the erect salutation and allowed him to pass through. But the pervert walked back through baggage claim only to re-enter in the departure lines so he could let Rodriguez search him one more time.

"This time I want you to search for my heart," he said. He was soon handcuffed for his public indecency as well as sexual harassment, which only made the pervert even more aroused. The pervert's uncensored performance led officers to question if it could be possible to turn terrorists into perverts. Or maybe some people really should have their junk blown off.

Suicidal Turkey Doesn't Understand the Meaning of Thanksgiving

Some people bring in the spirit of the holiday season with cheer and festivities while some people can't wait to stuff it under the carpet like an ominous bug that they couldn't wish away fast enough. That seemed to be the case for one emotional turkey who seemed to be suffering from an existential meltdown about the meaning of life. The turkey had been caught saying morose things such as "What if the meaning of life is for me to give up my own life to make others happy?" and "do you believe in reincarnation? I think I will come back in the afterlife as a earthworm." He even continued with riddles like, "why did the chicken cross the road? To create moody cathartic art with an emotional poultry sidekick." After several sessions in therapy, I realized my true calling; that I could end up on a neurotic hot woman's face as a means of lightening the mood of poultry genocide. The sunglasses were essential."

Obama Relies Heavily on Delorium To Fix The Deficit

Obama announced earlier today about his plans for fixing the deficit. Not only does he feel ObamaCare has some serious means of fixing our deficit, but also plans an even more determined plan of action.

As he addressed the nation, Obama stated,

"We are going through some tough times. And we can't fix it all at once. It's going to take some time to get through all this. Now, my Cabinet and I thought long and hard about it, and we think we've come up with something substantial--something everyone can agree on. With the help of Doc and Marty McFly, we've decided to go ahead and reintroduce the Delorium to help get through this madness. Basically, we're just gonna go back in time and act like this never happened. Also part of the new ObamaCare makes sure everyone gets a hoverboard. Any questions?"

One man asked, "How much is this going to cost all of us?" Silence....Obama reassured the nation maybe just another trillion to a bajillion dollars, but that it would be well worth it in the long-run. ;) Other plans included stuffing all the money under the nation's mattress, investing in the lotto, and running off to Vegas and putting everything on black.

New Website Solidifies Kaptcha Series Makes People Feel Stupid

A new website was launched the other day that tapped into the tendencies of the young adult population trying to seek an appropriate mate on a new dating site. Upon registration, it is commonplace for the viewer to type in the information and confirm with a series of coding to prove they were real people. A series called Kapcha normally can detect if people can type in the appropriate keys of letters found on the screens on their computers. But as the new Kapcha series was launched, it made people down right confused as they started swearing at their computers as to why they were having difficulty launching into the new site of dating shenanigans. The website responded that if they could not log in using the new Kapcha series, they were therefore retarded deeming them incapable of talking to each other online, let alone, reproducing. The new Kapcha series has led to an increase of angry users who--once they logged in--found themselves bitching at significant others who they would initially be attracted to.

New Study Shows Money Really Does Buy Happiness

A new study was released the other day that showed that money really does buy happiness. People had reported increased euphoria when they shopped compulsively versus buying just one thing. Others reported they fought with their spouses more about splitting the bill, cutting out dinner and a movie date night, and straight up sitting around doing nothing. "I feel like shit, I need to buy something," the woman exclaimed. She also mentioned, "if you really loved me you'd buy me that diamond ring, already! None of that Kay crap!" Several diamond rings have not been purchased this season, resulting in a steady decline in overall happiness which is being combatted by double-dosing on a drug called Fukitol.

Women In L.A. Are Literally Freezing Their Asses Off

Brrrrrrrrr... It might seem that it's really starting to cool down this season, but who ever thought the reason could be a new alternative to liposuction that is being tested in some health centers across the United States. With all the hype of fat freezing, could this be a new method of fat reduction that really truly does suck? The vacuum-like device adheres to your body--like a parasitic money-leaching ex-spouse--sucking everything and freezing it off. By freezing these women's fat asses, the fat cells are destroyed in the process. While they're still waiting for FDA approval to market, herds of women have been cited flying to the Northwestern Territory of Canada, standing out in the bitter cold of Beyond Fucking Existence with their asses in the air and their fingers crossed.

Local Idiot Does Not Plead The Twinkie Defense In Twinkie Diet

Some NUTritionist from Kansas State University wants to prove he can shed a few pounds on a Twinkie diet. With his nutty hypothesis, this sugar-junkie wants to challenge "junk food versus health food" dynamic, suggesting that foods regarded as nutritious may, in fact, be unhealthy, while foods regarded as junk may have some benefits. For one month, he is living on a diet of high-calorie, high-fat foods, such as snack cakes, powdered doughnuts and sticky buns, to show that foods commonly regarded as junk can actually help people lose weight. Although he has lost a few pounds, he has omitted experiencing the crack-like euphoria that comes with the Twinkie. But recently, the nut-job professor was arrested for robbing a 7-11 for the confectionary delights. In between spitting diabetic tongues like "cuckoo for cocoa puffs," he's currently pleading "the Celery Defense" saying that it was those few unhealthy vegetables led to his mania as he "crashed" on a pile of steamed spinach and carrot souffle.

NORAD Suspects Ninja Missile May Be Linked To Ninja Cat

No one knows where this ninja missile came from this morning and what it was even trying to accomplish. NORAD--also clueless--said it was busy at the time of the ninja missile launch for reasons of "having our heads up our asses." Other security facilities also twiddled thumbs, denied any notice of the ninja bomb, and even went as far as to blame Ninja Cat for the "practical joke."

Obama Stimulates Jobs By Building A Giant Tunnel To Narnia

It has been brought to global attention that President Obama sought to build a giant bulletproof tunnel on his entrance into Narnia: a place where animals talk, magic is common, and good battles evil. The objective for the problem-solving tunnel was that the tunnel's construction would ultimately create jobs for those physically building the tunnel, security personnel, and encourage economic expansion into the fictional realm of Narnia. In a place where children could become kings and queens, this was a promising note for our children and their future.

The tunnel was estimated to cost at $200 million dollars a day, which would be bomb-proof, have air conditioning, and a series of plasma televisions. The tv screens would be able to monitor Narnia upon entry in order for the President to greet Aslon, the talking lion, and know of the White Witch's presence at all times. From now on this day shall mark a new turn in deficit spending; whenever we're in a hole, we'll build a giant tunnel and dig ourselves out into a land of make-believe.

Mid-Term Election Announces Hobbits To Solve United States' Fiscal Crisis

With a growing concern for the US nation to foster job creation, lower unemployment rates, decrease inflation, cut taxes, and to get the Cabinet to straight-up stop spending money like it's going to rot, people actively decided to seek the change that was promised two years prior by voting in the mid-term elections. In order to combat the excessive deregulation of the financial sector and to combat the administration's objective to spend spend spend our way out of the shitter, the people have voted for change, and it's looking quite precious. With a 90% gain, the Hobbits will have full control of the finances brought upon by the US. By eliminating the sloppy behavior brought on by Goldman Sachs, the Hobbits vow to restore voter confidence and the mortgage-crisis by converting overvalued homes to their original value. Due to the miniature size of the Hobbits, all homes--once in foreclosure--will be scaled down to fit the lifestyle of the Hobbit, making the size of each home directly proportional to the newly underestimated value. All newly printed money will go to each Hobbit to hold till they see fit; whoever is the most honest and economically responsible will have some dollars coming their way. Since their election, there are plans to pump lots of those newly printed dollars into things like sunshine and lollipops. No second motion from Gandolph yet, while Smigel pleaded guilty to 11 federal crimes and admitted to turning his wealth management business into a massive Ponzi scheme that defrauded thousands of investors of billions of dollars, and received 150 years in prison--the maximum allowed.

'Secret' Fanatic Loses Job From Over Visualization

With the crazy hype of positive thinking has gotten everybody thinking, "What is this thing called The Secret I keep hearing so much about?" Unless you've been living under a rock all these years, The Secret is a methodology about using visualization and positive imagery techniques to manifest all the great things you want out of your life. But some people seemed to be more involved on a deeper level than others, and claim they visualize better and harder than anyone else ever could.

These are die-hard Secret fanatics. The have been spotted around the city preaching phrases like "you can have any thing you want, you just have to want it badly enough" and "visualize." The more hardcore Secret fanatics are a little more "assertive" with their tactics like screaming Drill-Sergeant-esque phrases like, "Goddammit visualize already", "Get your life together already, stupid and visualize stronger", and "the reason you suck at life is because you don't know how to think positive, dumb ass." One went even as far as, "The reason bad things happen to you is because you think negatively. Fucking turn that shit around and perk the fuck up, bitch!"

Some sociologists believe that people end up submitting to the new-wave religion/ideology/half-ass shit theory because positive thoughts seem to be a thing of the past. One follower named Jim said, "I mean, I thought you had to walk around all day feeling miserable about yourself, hating your job, and general existence. When I was told to just stop fucking thinking that way--man that was revolutionary! I'll pretty much believe anything those Secret fanatics tell me."

Upon saying this, Jim held up his entire book collection of the Secret, the videos, a Secret bobble head, Secret visualization mirror, Secret candles, Secret air freshener, Secret bedsheets and pillowcases, Secret toothbrush, Secret keychain, and a Secret jumpsuit. "Anything that can fast-track my positive thinking progress, I will totally buy that shit! Now, I'm literally surrounded by all fucking things positive, how could I fail now?"

Upon arriving at work, Jim got canned that day. It turns out, Jim got fired for day dreaming on the job, failing to turn in his business reports, and verbally harassing co-workers. Now Jim plans to return to the Secret Advocate Society and preach some fucking language of positive thinking. No plans for income, but Jim is now visualizing that "some fucking Cougar Sugar Mama will take care of me." Keep on dreaming!

Anti-Baby Pill Gives Women The Chills

A new birth control was released yesterday from ContraTech Inc. that had women wondering about considering taking the contraceptive. Competing with other birth control pills like Othro-Try-Cyclen and Seasonique, ContraTech's new product aimed to combat excessive depression, cramping, and acne. It also had to compete with fewer lighter periods. With this insight, ContraTech invented and patented a new birth control called Fugghedaboutit, which combined the positive symptoms of both Seasonique and its predecessor. Fugghedaboutit allowed women to go five years without menstruating, no flow, and actually increased breast size by a full cup. Side effects include: making women more social, extreme exuberance, loss of weight, idealistically attractive, tolerable to be around, and most importantly, could make Snoop Dogg look like Micheal Cera by smoking your asses under the table. No risk of heart attack here, my friend. Male counterparts seemed to have no qualms about this new pill. Women who experienced typical side effects of old medications caused break ups, divorce, and sometimes even a phone and address change. Although women weren't too psyched up about a five-year-family-making hiatus, men nationwide screamed in unison over the invention of the new B.C.--that same pinnacle utterance when getting with his lady friend, "Are you on the--??" and she responds, "Fugghedaboutit."

Mexican Cops Blaze 134 Tons of Marijuana

As the headline reads, Mexican cops blaze 134 tons of marijuana today. This was immediately followed by intense laughter, mild introspection, drawn out speech impediment, dry mouth, and a complete takeover of Krispy Kreme and General Mills Cereal Factory.

Gremlins Musical Casts Heidi Montag As Female Gremlin

Yesterday, word has it that Heidi Montag was offered role in Gremlins: The Musical. She was not cast for her talented singing ability, but the director felt with all the cosmetic surgery she has undergone in the past year or so, her extreme transformation allowed her to be completely ready for the role. Montag agreed immediately, not because she knew she could lip sync and roll around in the sand in a pink bikini, but because she really needed the attention.

She told us, "I guess I just have this really strong desire to one-up Audrina Patridge's performance on Dancing With The Stars. I mean, I can totally prance around, and my Triple H breasts give me all the resistance training and core work out I need."

She bitched and moaned for about the next hour or so about how no one pays attention to her and blahblahblah and the thirty new procedures to take place after the film. But, she did say this: "All I know is that it costs a lot to look this perfect. And look, now I'm a starring role in Gremlins. Never heard of it, or seen it, or know what it's about, but it sounds cute!"

Snooki Upchucks a Book Release for 2011

Snooki, a popular and intoxicated reality personality from the show Jersey Shore, stepped away from her Adios Motherfucker for a couple minutes to talk about her upcoming book release in 2011. She wants the book to reflect her and all her talents as a young female and says,

"Well, like, I want them to capture the really 'Snooki': with awwl my lawng hair and like lawts a boyz and like nailz is impawtant too and like the beach and all dat guud stuff."

After not much of a surprise to learn that Snooki has only read two books in her life, her ghostwriter decided to go with something that Snooki herself, could be able to read and understand.

Snooki's coloring book, Color That Lush By Number, has five specialty colors: orange, black, orange, hot mess, and guido. Snooki's signature perfume is also set to launch the same year entitled Inebriare which combines the delicate scents of rum, tequila, vodka, and floor mat.

Twilight Phenomenon Inspires Universities to Offer A Degree in Vampirism

Due to the budget cuts across universities as well as the rising cost of tuition, there has been a steady decline in college enrollment nationwide. Not only do kids not know what they want to do with the rest of their lives, a new study revealed that they also fear ever needing to know anything related to Math or knowing the basics of the English language. State colleges, particularly among the northern regions, thought it would be a novel idea to introduce a curriculum that kids can relate to: vampires.

One spokesperson on campus said, "With the booming interest in one very popular show such as Twilight, we realized we could arrange an entire curriculum so kids could major in fantastical ideals of vampirism, escape their own mortal lives, and pretend to be, or be in a relationship with, the fanged hottie, Robert Patterson. Through this curriculum, we offer every lecture on video by visually dissecting the integral moments of blood suckage, fanged rebellion, iron deficiency, and inability to love the living. This will cut out the cost of books, unless they're so inclined to go back and read where this cinematic phenomenon gave birth, and definitely weed out any craving to excel at math, business, economics, english lit, or anything that doesn't require the fantasy realm of fanged sexual hotties."

The chairman continued to note that other programs will be taught along with Twilight, such as, The Vampire Diaries, TrueBlood, and will have some throwbacks to more historical series like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. Students also have the opportunity to double major in Zombieism, as well, for a full-range of post-mortem academia. Points of intrigue in this major include: getting out of your house alive; what to bring in case of a Zombie break out; how to get in with the top key Zombie players; how to spice up your Zombie resume; and how to look extra retarded running around trying to eat people's brains.

"It's definitely a major in the making, but kids are jumping right on it--sucking the life out of it, so to speak-- tearing right into the material, and making them thirsty for more. We definitely could use more Zombies and time-sucking vampires in the world's future. I mean, think about it. If we trained students to be the smartest and best that they could be, teach them they can amount to anything in their jobs, why are there so many upset people in the workforce telling their co-workers, 'I need to do some brainwork at this job. I feel like a fucking Zombie!' or, 'I can't believe they are having me count every pixel on this graphic. It's such a time-sucking vampire.'"

Chairman ended that he wanted to prepare kids for the grim future and realize that no matter what post-mortem world they are aspiring towards, in the end, they will always work a job that's a living hell.

New Marketing Company Fails Because They Took Timing Too Literally

A new start-up marketing company has divulged some serious advice on certain things to stay away from when starting your own business, trying to invent your own job, and giving yourself a big fluffy company title/position while failing to bring in clients.

With the old saying ,"Where there's a will, there's a way" these girls managed to print some funky business cards as the initial stage of building a business. "We totally understand social media. Like, we both know how to use Twitter and Facebook." Upon seeing tweets, it didn't seem like anybody was following their business. They responded, "Well, like, you hear about traffic a lot and we totally didn't follow what they were saying. I mean, like, yah the SoCal freeways are super trafficky, but it's like the internet. How do you like run out of space and stuff?" The continued on with the interview to say, "We just figured if we put it out there, someone was going to like, find it, and want us to help them and stuff like that. I mean, we're all, like, artists and designers and stuff and some people just need more help than others."

Catching up with them over at their crawl space, eh hem, work space, they spoke about innovative business tactics such as reading "Business For Dummies", "Running Like A Totally Amazing Company 101", and "You're AbFab Amazeballs, Baby!" They mentioned the latter was one just about singing daily affirmations into the mirror every morning and telling yourself how awesome you are--not a part of the business model, just a Vanity Venn Diagram.

But despite such colloquialisms like, "Believe in yourself", "Nothing is Impossible", "Because You're Amazing", and "You're Just Amazing," the company did not survive well in the first months after its arrival. We asked why they had so many clocks with different times from all around the world. The CEO/ Business Dummy Guru/ Advocate of the word "amazeballs" told us, "Yah, we spent all of our capital on all these clocks for our wall. But as much as the clocks aren't bringing in clients like we thought, we just stare at them all day...hoping. I mean, it's all about timing."

Life Coach Fired For Getting Pointers From Beer Coasters

It was a devastating day for John Richardson, 46, of Lake Forest, California to find out that after three years of working with a life coach, Richardson found out--to his surprise--that his trainer's inspiring go-getter attitude was merely a compilation of cliched phrases found on beer coasters and napkin blurbs from the bar. At first, the beer tips overlapped well into the general phrases of inspiration such as "Good things come to those who wait", "If not now, when?" and "Perfection has it's price."

But after hearing much of the same adages over the years, Richardson grew more skeptical when he started hear newer and sloppier lines of inspiration: "Do you see the glass half-empty or half-full?","Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder", "What if the Hokey Pokey Really IS what it is all about?" When the trainer came back with even more banal phrases, which one could never consider inspiring, such as, "Tap That Ass", "You're damned if you do. You're damned if you don't", he was ultimately fired for: "If she's not falling out of her bar stool wasted, she's not ready to take home quite yet."

Area Stoner Files Police Report For Stolen Stash

Somewhere in Venice, California yesterday, police apprehended a young sophomoric delinquent on Pacific Ave near the boardwalk for shoplifting a water pipe, pair of sunglasses, and some hemp flavored lollypops. Upon confiscating the items from the quixotic adolescent, the two police men found approximately an eighth of an ounce of marijuana in his back pocket. All items were then taken into custody and released the young man with a warning.

Later that same afternoon, the same adolescent called 911 to report that his pot had been stolen and that he wanted to file a police report. He thought the police officer on the other side of the line sounded familiar, but half way through the report, he forgot why he was calling. A few minutes later he tried to call back to file another stolen item of his, but he couldn't find the bluetooth he was just using that was connected to his ear. Forgetting again shortly after that, he laughed hysterically to himself, realized the bluetooth was a blue potato chip, and ate the june bug that had landed on his ear.

Celebrating One Really Full-Of-Shit Law

Today marks the celebration of the creation of Sturgeon's Law that states: "Ninety percent of anything is full of crap." This law first took effect 1951 by Theodore Sturgeon and it seems to have taken major prevalence during the years of the Bush Administration, and continued to grow in the fields of scientology, the fashion industry, the Snuggie, the Shake Weight, or anything having to do with Tyra Banks. Today marks the 59th anniversary of the creation of Sturgeon's law, and in celebration of this momentous theory, encourages people to go out and share one thing about their day with another person that is pretty much full of shit. Easy enough, you'll realize people don't have to try very hard at this one. And for us, we've just shared ours. Sturgeon's Law is today? Yah, we're pretty much full of shit, too. ;)

Area Man Arrested For Self-Inflicted Slave Labor

Yesterday in the city of Brentwood, California, a man by the name of George Bunderson was arrested for attempted slave labor against himself. Due to the economic climate of the recession, George mentioned that he was creating his own self start-up company. As CEO and founder of his company, he established he would be the main employer and employee of his company, mainly the latter. But as months passed on, George never received any paychecks for his hard work. When George confronted the situation by emailing the CEO of the company, he received no reply. When George realized he was not intentionally working pro-bono for the company, he got suspicious about the ethical standards of this new start-up company. Three months of working and never receiving a single cent from the company, George filed a complaint with the Business Ethics Bureau and with his course of action, the company was shut down. George was charged with paying himself $7000 for his hard work with the company. After that, George never spoke to George again.

Lindsay Lohan Incarcerated For Bad Acting

Lindsay Lohan has been booked again to go back to jail for violating her probation by shoving more white powder up her nose after she was released from jail and her revolving door rehab. An insider let us know that the judge's brutal incarceration sentence was not just merely for her substance abuse problem and failing to complete her AA hours for her DUI, but felt Lindsay should be behind bars for her performances in Herbie: Fully Loaded, I Know Who Killed Me, and her studio-magic album: Speak. Although she has posted bail for $300,000, word has it the prodigal brat is set to pick up a couple films to help support her "acting career." The upcoming films entitled "Nare Sugar", "The White Stuff", and "The Porcelain Train" cast the star as playing herself: emaciated, old-looking, and bitchy. Sounds like an epic drama.

Area Boy Confuses Euthanasia For The Prolific Birth Rate in China

As the headline reads, the area boy, in fact, confused the word euthanasia with an increased rate of the birth of children in China. Besides merely just butting into someone's conversation, he continued to respond to the unknown strangers with points about China's booming economy and how we're all fucked and something of that nature. After five minutes of digressing into a diatribe about globalization, he was finally able to dig out that piece of gold from his nasal cavity. You tell 'em, Timmy, and keep reaching for the gold!

New Study Shows Unemployed People Require More Sleep

A new study was just released the other day showing that the unemployed human requires an additional six hours of sleep than the average working individual. While the average working human maintains a seven hour sleep session, the unemployed individual may require up to thirteen or even fourteen hours of uninterrupted sleep. The study also reveals that the unemployed individual also requires a higher food intake and more ass-sitting time required for this additional ingestion. This consumption period is normally coupled with insanely long periods of TV watching, staring at a wall, or head scratching.

Orange County: The Birthplace Of The FOB

According to the 2010 Census and just the general frame of reference, Orange county is home to the FOB. You got it. FOB. In case you late bloomers didn't know, there is an abundance to FOBs in this geographic area. According to the Urban Dictionary, a valid source, an FOB is what you call a Fuckin' Old Broad…. scientific fact. Give way!! They are all around you.

FOB's can generally be classified as old broads, in their mid to late fifties and beyond, who propose old Republican values while knowing nothing about the new age generation, innovative thinking, or the ability to get along with just about ANYONE. They most likely live right next to you, telling you to turn down the music because she can't hear herself talking to her seven cats; wears clothes from the seventies like they're still edgy and avant-garde; or possibly pouring herself two Scotches because she's convinced someone is accompanying her in a night of debaucherous diatribe. Those are just the voices-in-her-head-isms. As the wind blows through the air, it screams Ambiennnnnnnnnn………..

Weight gain can gage from 20 - ? pounds overweight.. or perhaps she is one of those skinny broads, frail like Skeletor, and tells you those were the good old days. Not the kind of broad who likes it when you play Kanasta with her, but berates you for cheating at cards, that's right, she thinks she caught you, but we forgot…she's partially blind, deaf, and outright retarded.

Accommodating you are; you order her some food.

"We love you lady, but we don't even know you, and stop drooling pizza sauce all over your face. Your seven cats are starting to pounce our face." An innocent bystander interjects the feline predator from the pepperoni debacle.

Poor Guy in the Middle says, "She's wearing fishnet tights like she's still part of the Roaring 20's, but sadly, the only thing that fishnet is gonna catch might be a few small prawn from shore, not a husband. Maybe we can use her tights as a hammock to catch her when her plastered face falls over on her broken heel while dribbling tomato sauce all over her lower lip. It ain't lipstick, honey." She's drooling now.

Classic Case Study #4657#%$%^&….. they are your neighbors, your wives, your mothers, and your best friend's boyfriend's rebounds from a second marriage. They're still living the wet dream from the 70's. Classic cooters, eh hem, cougars. You see them talking to your boyfriend next door.

She starts off saying, "Son, would you like to put your hand in my purse and grab a piece of hard candy?" This bitch is looser than the levies of New Orleans, and it's 9am. Tell her booze time isn't at least till noon, give her three glasses of wine, slap her in the face and then tell her to pass the fuck out.

"4:00pm Nap Time. We'll play Bridge later, then find the rest of her teeth in an Enamel Egg Hunt. Here, have some Alka Seltzer."

She says her daughter would be jealous of her if she ever came across a dapper young man as yourself. Dapper? Once again, slap her.

"Night night, sweetie. We'll play tomorrow."

You tuck her sheet in between her tomato-sauced face with a mouth gaping open from the dentures removed; use her fishnets as a blanket to clothe her and keep her warm; throw some cards at her for good luck, and peace out of that mother.

As she minority vomits on herself, you thank yourself for your gene pool.

Word of advice: Don't ever live in Orange County.

Stoner Rebuttal to Senate's Soda Tax

A proposal has been sent by the Senate to help Californians slim down by putting a sugar tax on soda, not to mention help bloat the empty wallet called California's state budget.

But those opposed, most likely offended because they are stoners addicted to sugar fixes, propose a rebuttal called an Atkins Tax.

"If obesity is what we are trying to combat, why not start with foods high in saturated fat like the bacon and cheese you love to eat so much. Look mom, no carbs! Is California so starved for a reason to tax everything on the shelf including table sugar? "

Survey reveals stoners are quite taken aback by this sugar fee, not to mention some tree-hugging grass gnawing, eat-nothing-if-it's-not-vegan mentality will have no affect on their lifestyles if a pig dies and served to you for breakfast at a nominal fee.

With another proposal to legalize marijuana in the state of California to increase revenue for the state of California, we can see why "these guys" are pissed. It's like selling a car to someone, then making them buy the tires separately. Not to mention, these guys shouldn't be driving anyway. They're always 20 miles under the speed limit. They want the marijuana, but they don't want to pay the taxes on their tasty delectables. Try getting to the store first.

"It's not like that, man. It's the whole system, man. It's like what are you doing to the people, man? It's like….. what was I saying, man? Oh yah, well Captain Crunch is like really really good. And a bunch of other cereals too, man."

Either way, it sounds like the Senate is dying to tax the stoner demographic in anyway they can. Tax the reefer, then tax the munchies. Not a bad plan, eh?

“Not only will higher taxes fail to make people healthier, they will jeopardize good-paying jobs and put further pressure on our struggling growers retailers," said Joey JoJo, aka Green Thumb, aka Morning Sun. “We simply can’t tax our way to healthier lifestyles, man."

MorningSun continues, "Go after the little guys. Sure go after us, we never did anything."

And that might just be how the Senate feels; that "they" don't do anything.

"Everything has sugar in it, man. What are you gonna do, like tax the whole food industry?"

And that's what they did. No wonder Whole Foods cost so much. Going green and organic never tasted so sweet.