PlaceBo Drug Gains Widespread Popularity Among The Perfect

A popular new drug has surfaced among a small part of the population that seems as ridiculous as four different types of pharmaceutical remedies for erectile dysfunction. PlaceBo has received immediate attention among 'perfect people' and has been dubbed as "generating a pseudo-pharmaceutical movement.” A PlaceBo user was outraged by such claims and made complaints of slander and harassment by the imposing statement.

One Placebo user commented, “ We have problems. Yah, we have the problem of not having anything wrong with us. Do you know how daunting that is? To walk around all day unafflicted? It’s really fucking hard being perfect!” He continued to describe all the stares that perfect people get walking down the street; co-workers hate them because they never mess up at work and accused of brown-nosing the boss; and well, straight-up just fucking smelling and looking so damn perfect all the time.

“You really don’t know how hard it is. Not being accepted because you’re just so damn perfect and awesome all the time. So I take PlaceBo to help combat the symptoms of perfection. Although I still am perfect, it creates the illusion that I, too, have weaknesses and an Achilles’ heel. It causes me to second-guess myself sometimes, think others are better than me, and well, straight-up do poorly at some things. It’s kind of a miracle drug, you could say.”

Others—the normies—weren’t buying the tripe, and called PlaceBo a bullshit sugar pill that only perfect people are allowed take. It was also said that most perfect people were trying to “fake being unperfect under the substance.” One unperfect normie said, “Yah, it’s like they were trying so hard to not be perfect, you could totally still tell there were no real major concerns in their lives. It was really fucking sad, to tell you the truth.”

PlaceBo side effects include indifference, normalcy, not-one-single-fucking-change, and controlled appetite. While the fantastic and awesome dispositions still continued in the lives of these people who were fucking “practically perfect in every way,” the inferior normies started taking a litany of tranquilizers to mitigate the potentially hazardous side effects that come with perfect people trying to take substances to be on “their” level.

Let's Celebrate Our Nation's Last Attempt At Rocket Launching Millions and Millions Of Wasted Money Into Space

And it's guaranteed to be a blast!

Google + Aims To Face-Fuck Mark Z-Bag

All this great wonderful talk and buzz about the new launch of Google +. “What is it?” people exclaim while others respond, “Hell if I know, but it’s new and it’s Google so it’s gotta be awesome. I’ll pretty much follow anybody who’s already doing it!”

Of course, Google wants their followers to know that the company is trying to simplify their lives, categorize their friends, and let people know how awesome they are because they check in to hangouts. But yesterday, Google was caught saying something very different from the altruistic nature of technological advances for its users.

“Yah, we want all the followers. All 750 million of them,. Muahahahaha. Really, the strategy and marketing objective for the brand was basically to face-fuck Mark Zuckerberg and fuck Facebook in its face. We’re gonna run this shit! …+you…-Zbag = mucha money for us!! Seriously, we just took every popular social network and crammed into one network, and people thought it was just so revolutionary. So, we had to let people feel the need to get invited to the network to give them desire to want to join. Fuck going to Harvard and needing a university email. Oh, and we’ll probably take that over, too. Google Universities, Google coffee shops, Google Forever21 retail stores, you name it. All we have to say is Google + and people love us!! If we can take all the Facebook users and run Zuckerberg out, well, Google has done it’s job! We couldn’t be more proud about it.”

Execs laughed it off as they sharpened their virtual blades for the Z-bag they once worked for. There is also rumor a movie is already being plotted called, “Google: We Run This Shit,” or possibly “Facebook 2: You Just Got Fucked,” starring Charlie Sheen. What better way to be innovative than steal from the same people you once worked with.

Pure Sheenius, Google!

Every Tsunami To Be Named After A Black Rapper

You got it. From now on, every tsunami is to be named after a black rapper. This concept proved itself to be more effective than numerically measuring to the magnitude behind the tsunami; the severity of the disaster would now be paralleled to the varying degrees of bad-assness of the rapper being mentioned. Recently, a tsunami was issued off the coast of New Zealand and was later cancel because it’s magnitude imposed no severe threats to the coast of the country. They initially called this tsunami Jay-Z because upfront the tsunami seemed hard-core, but later trickledout with no real threatening substance. Meteorologists and the Weather Council later went back and renamed older tsunamis Master P, Lil Wayne, and Suge Knight, for their unsuspecting threatening behaviors to countries’ infrastructures as a whole. On another note, all double rainbows will be now referred to as Justin Biebers.

Blind Area Man Claims He His An Eye For Design

Area man from Scottsdale, Arizona has captivated the hearts of hundreds as he experiments with his avant-garde approach to design. The blind man, 32 years old, says that it’s not about color theory or even hierarchical arrangement of the elements, but really is what about doing whatever the fuck you wanted, and giving your movement its own powerful name. He continued, “Yah, most people fell for minimalism and Warholism as a means to putting in the least amount of effort and charging a good amount of money for a genuine piece of crap. Hell, I’m not going to smash my guitar into my wall or have someone shoot me and call it the Fluxus movement. Yoko can shove it. But I am gonna explore the inner beings of my soul through limited paint mediums with pre-existing wall installations. The classic evolution of my paintings took on a completely natural form that evolved out of my carpal tunnel and inability to distinguish among various colors. It was quite candid, so I call my movement Candida.” Ok that’s a pretty gross title for a movement in and of itself, but take a look below at some of the masterpieces that have caught the eye of many in Arizona.

Focus Groups Fail Because Majority Of Population Has ADHD

A new study was released last Tuesday that showed that marketing focus groups were a giant waste of time. Others argue that money spent on “researching” your target audience is a waste of time and money as well, but MobileCorp gathered together 20 young individuals to test the effectiveness of their product. Seems as though no one could stay focused once they were in the focus room. Many claimed they hadn’t taken their meds that morning, didn’t give a shit in the first place, and others couldn’t detach themselves from the cell phones. Seeing how the focus group was targeting specific bandwidth to efficiently deliver information via Facebook at an insanely incredible rate, most of the young adults said they just didn’t have the time to spend on learning how to effectively speed up their lives.