Scarface Cuts It Up With The New Coca-Cola Campaign

Coca-Cola is getting back to the roots--their Columbian roots, that is. Al Pacino, a.k.a. Scarface, infiltrates the new Coca-Cola campaign with his rowdy, rough-around-the-edges, bad-guy persona. Similar to their current campaign about "being extraordinary" and "the thing you drink on your way to the top", Tony puts it right out there for you: "You better drink some fuckin' coke, or you're gonna get your ass fucked."

Pap's Schmear Leaves Bad Taste In Bagel Lovers' Mouths

Bagel lovers were disgusted on Tuesday morning with the grand opening of Pap's Deli in downtown New York, that had enough of the consumers screaming out in unison "oy vay." The bagels were impeccable with the freshness and fluffiness of the bread and the variety of plain, rye, everything, and super onion. But once the consumer bit into that round O of delight, consumers thought about the Pap's Schmear on their bagels--some of which were salmon-flavored--resulting in up-chuck reflexes and dry heaving.

These Shoes Were Made For Walking!!!

Silly Formatting... Check out the video here... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=La6bD2JJLE0

Shape-Ups Actually Increase The Size Of The Bulge

A recently popular shoe was recalled the other day due to a production malfunction and lack of quality control among the product. A considerable amount of women in the Southern California area noticed certain changes in their bodies and couldn't help but think that the shoe was to blame. The shoe called Shape-Ups has an elevated support system to help control and tone calves and buttocks, as well as tone your core. But after much concern, the company realized a particular batch of the Shape-Ups were misshaped and that all the calculations of the shoe had been inverted.

Once used, the women were under the assumption they were toning their calves and the backside of their lower body. But due to the inversion of the calculations, women were now actually toning their shins, their pelvic regions, and what some women considered their FUPAs (Fat Under Pussy Area). A toned "front" and a sagging backside did not, empirically, make women more appealing. Not to mention, as women were committing social suicide by wearing these goofy shoes, people weren't just focusing on the atrocious contours of the canoe shoe, but the canoe shape that appeared in the front of their spandex pants. Shape-Ups is urging all women to stop wearing the shoes immediately in order to effectively combat their "battle with the bulge." As some women have committed to wearing looser, less obvious pants in the meantime, the 'unbelievable transformation" got some consumers taking superfluous amounts of estrogen supplements.

Crazy Extreme Liberal City Replaces The Happy Meal With The Ennui Meal

Happy Meals were banned in the city of San Francisco a few weeks ago because the Happy Meals included toys which were heavily marketed towards kids to get them into the restaurant and purchase highly caloric unhealthy food. San Francisco--the same city who outlawed a cookie-scented bus shelter that was juxtaposed with an ad 'Got Milk'? for teasing the homeless and the obese-- considered the obesity crisis among its youth.

In lieu of the Happy Meal, San Francisco offered a new meal plan called The Ennui Meal which included healthier food options like a quinoa patty wrapped in raw purple kale, flaxseed-coated celery sticks, and a shot of wheatgrass instead of soda. If the new unappealing meal alone didn't immediate slash appetite, the meal also contains a daily dose of Adderall for the children--not only to suppress the kids' compulsive eating habits--but to provide that insatiable thirst for even the most boring of topics. They might even learn the meaning of the meal they are eating.

Instead of a super-cool action-hero, the Ennui Meal will have a range of mediocre-interest figurines. Geode Boy, with his famous motto 'Geology Rocks!' actually comes with a set of rocks, and reminds kids that it's fun to do a little 'brushing up' on fossils. So whether kids are playing with rocks, or eating meals that taste like dirt, The Ennui Meal is proud to provide kids with the take-home message that being truly happy makes you fat. Chew on that celery stick!

Paula Abdul: High on Goofy

Paula Abdul recently shared with NBC news the other day that she has never been drunk a day in her life. Through much of her time as a judge on American Idol, certain behaviors would have proved otherwise. One reporter caught up with pop culture celeb about the accusations she faced while slurring--starring--on the hit show American Idol.

"I'zze nezber been drunk--ahhh dayinmyliffffe. Das juss Paula. I gooffffy. Das jus me. Dasjus who I am. Pures Paula. Sum say oppzites ttract, but I dink they jus cold heartd snekks. But like I sedd, never phycscally drunk in mah life, maybe a lil mentally drunk but never not out of it, k?"

Guess that's Paula just being goofy Paula. Wow, she's so silly. Really threw us off there for a minute. No recreational drugs here. Maybe her goofiness is out of pure prescription by her male friend in the white authoritative coat. Some suggest a Xanax-infused dementia while others proposed it was the good ol' Columbian candy. Paula finished up by saying, "Straigggght up, now tell me don't you wanna luvvvv me forevrr?" We sure do, Paula....