We’ve all heard talk about Monsanto, big corporation in
charge of GMOs (genetically-modified organisms) and its production of genetically modified
crops and genetically modified fish. Monsanto uses genetic engineering for
faster growth, resistance to pathogens, production of “extra nutrients,” or for
“any other beneficial purpose.”
A rep from Monsanto says, “We’ve also been experimentally
developing with genetically modified livestock, although nothing is on the
market as of now. As we’ve grown into modifying these meaty tender cuts of
tasty deliciousness, an idea sparked in our brains that we could not only bring
Superman meats to our consumers, but we could capitalize on yet an even bigger
industry—the world of entertainment. Yes, yes, we know what you’re thinking,
stick to food Monsanto, you greedy fucks. Yes, yes, of course, but we could
apply our genetic engineering to pop culture and really reap in the
cash-cash-money-bling-bling-cha-ching,” said the rep as he hand-motioned dollar
bill signs while doing a front kick to express his enthusiasm.
The Monsanto rep mentioned that they decided to “get that
British dumb fuck from American Idol” to set up a show called “X-Factor” in
Britain to help pool in the singing boy cattle for “selective breeding.”
The rep continued, “We’ve only picked from the finest little
singing twats we could find and made sure they won in what looked like a ‘fair
voting competition.’ But what voters didn’t know was that these five finalists
were actually created and modified in our lab in the middle of Nebraska
seventeen years ago. We created a boy band called One Direction, and took out any negative traits such as poor singing
skills, unfortunate aesthetic deficiencies (shit that makes you ugly), and
removed some obviously definitive masculine traits. We wanted to keep ‘em a
little metro so both male and female audiences would swooooooon over them. You
know what I mean, if you can’t tell who they’re into bringing home after one of
those shows, it keeps everyone guessing and wanting them, you know what I’m
saying. It's definitely a product we're proud to slap a [record] label on. Take that Prop 37. Eat it, Cali, ” the rep said as he winked and gesticulated a shooting of a gun with his hand.
With Monsanto’s genetic engineering for faster growth in
popularity of this boy band, they also noticed the boy band’s resistance to
pathogens. Due to their bacteria-resistant genetic make-up, the band never
needed to shower and this cut down on a lot of extra time that could be spent
lip-syncing in the studio.
“They need all that extra time to practice making it look like
they’re really singing. We just drop in some SMB (Studio Magic Bullshit) and
everyone goes goo-goo gaga ape-shit over them. They even beat out Bieber. This
shit’s the real deal here. Forget GM cattle, we got ourselves a real GM boy
band.”
The genetically modified boy band, One Direction, has
topped the charts in the past year, and is set to take on new endorsements
advocating the country’s reliance on corn and more GM products. One Direction can even been seen shooting up crops and livestock in their new music video
entitled, “You’re Better This Way.” Other popular titles include, “Gimme That
Fake Shit,” and “You’re All Pretty Fucking Stupid.” One Direction is projected
to have a genetically modified spin-off band in the next ten years that
advocates practicing safe cyborg sex with a projected hit song called “We’re No
Longer Human.”
