'Secret' Fanatic Loses Job From Over Visualization

With the crazy hype of positive thinking has gotten everybody thinking, "What is this thing called The Secret I keep hearing so much about?" Unless you've been living under a rock all these years, The Secret is a methodology about using visualization and positive imagery techniques to manifest all the great things you want out of your life. But some people seemed to be more involved on a deeper level than others, and claim they visualize better and harder than anyone else ever could.

These are die-hard Secret fanatics. The have been spotted around the city preaching phrases like "you can have any thing you want, you just have to want it badly enough" and "visualize." The more hardcore Secret fanatics are a little more "assertive" with their tactics like screaming Drill-Sergeant-esque phrases like, "Goddammit visualize already", "Get your life together already, stupid and visualize stronger", and "the reason you suck at life is because you don't know how to think positive, dumb ass." One went even as far as, "The reason bad things happen to you is because you think negatively. Fucking turn that shit around and perk the fuck up, bitch!"

Some sociologists believe that people end up submitting to the new-wave religion/ideology/half-ass shit theory because positive thoughts seem to be a thing of the past. One follower named Jim said, "I mean, I thought you had to walk around all day feeling miserable about yourself, hating your job, and general existence. When I was told to just stop fucking thinking that way--man that was revolutionary! I'll pretty much believe anything those Secret fanatics tell me."

Upon saying this, Jim held up his entire book collection of the Secret, the videos, a Secret bobble head, Secret visualization mirror, Secret candles, Secret air freshener, Secret bedsheets and pillowcases, Secret toothbrush, Secret keychain, and a Secret jumpsuit. "Anything that can fast-track my positive thinking progress, I will totally buy that shit! Now, I'm literally surrounded by all fucking things positive, how could I fail now?"

Upon arriving at work, Jim got canned that day. It turns out, Jim got fired for day dreaming on the job, failing to turn in his business reports, and verbally harassing co-workers. Now Jim plans to return to the Secret Advocate Society and preach some fucking language of positive thinking. No plans for income, but Jim is now visualizing that "some fucking Cougar Sugar Mama will take care of me." Keep on dreaming!

Anti-Baby Pill Gives Women The Chills

A new birth control was released yesterday from ContraTech Inc. that had women wondering about considering taking the contraceptive. Competing with other birth control pills like Othro-Try-Cyclen and Seasonique, ContraTech's new product aimed to combat excessive depression, cramping, and acne. It also had to compete with fewer lighter periods. With this insight, ContraTech invented and patented a new birth control called Fugghedaboutit, which combined the positive symptoms of both Seasonique and its predecessor. Fugghedaboutit allowed women to go five years without menstruating, no flow, and actually increased breast size by a full cup. Side effects include: making women more social, extreme exuberance, loss of weight, idealistically attractive, tolerable to be around, and most importantly, could make Snoop Dogg look like Micheal Cera by smoking your asses under the table. No risk of heart attack here, my friend. Male counterparts seemed to have no qualms about this new pill. Women who experienced typical side effects of old medications caused break ups, divorce, and sometimes even a phone and address change. Although women weren't too psyched up about a five-year-family-making hiatus, men nationwide screamed in unison over the invention of the new B.C.--that same pinnacle utterance when getting with his lady friend, "Are you on the--??" and she responds, "Fugghedaboutit."

Mexican Cops Blaze 134 Tons of Marijuana

As the headline reads, Mexican cops blaze 134 tons of marijuana today. This was immediately followed by intense laughter, mild introspection, drawn out speech impediment, dry mouth, and a complete takeover of Krispy Kreme and General Mills Cereal Factory.

Gremlins Musical Casts Heidi Montag As Female Gremlin

Yesterday, word has it that Heidi Montag was offered role in Gremlins: The Musical. She was not cast for her talented singing ability, but the director felt with all the cosmetic surgery she has undergone in the past year or so, her extreme transformation allowed her to be completely ready for the role. Montag agreed immediately, not because she knew she could lip sync and roll around in the sand in a pink bikini, but because she really needed the attention.

She told us, "I guess I just have this really strong desire to one-up Audrina Patridge's performance on Dancing With The Stars. I mean, I can totally prance around, and my Triple H breasts give me all the resistance training and core work out I need."

She bitched and moaned for about the next hour or so about how no one pays attention to her and blahblahblah and the thirty new procedures to take place after the film. But, she did say this: "All I know is that it costs a lot to look this perfect. And look, now I'm a starring role in Gremlins. Never heard of it, or seen it, or know what it's about, but it sounds cute!"

Snooki Upchucks a Book Release for 2011

Snooki, a popular and intoxicated reality personality from the show Jersey Shore, stepped away from her Adios Motherfucker for a couple minutes to talk about her upcoming book release in 2011. She wants the book to reflect her and all her talents as a young female and says,

"Well, like, I want them to capture the really 'Snooki': with awwl my lawng hair and like lawts a boyz and like nailz is impawtant too and like the beach and all dat guud stuff."

After not much of a surprise to learn that Snooki has only read two books in her life, her ghostwriter decided to go with something that Snooki herself, could be able to read and understand.

Snooki's coloring book, Color That Lush By Number, has five specialty colors: orange, black, orange, hot mess, and guido. Snooki's signature perfume is also set to launch the same year entitled Inebriare which combines the delicate scents of rum, tequila, vodka, and floor mat.

Twilight Phenomenon Inspires Universities to Offer A Degree in Vampirism

Due to the budget cuts across universities as well as the rising cost of tuition, there has been a steady decline in college enrollment nationwide. Not only do kids not know what they want to do with the rest of their lives, a new study revealed that they also fear ever needing to know anything related to Math or knowing the basics of the English language. State colleges, particularly among the northern regions, thought it would be a novel idea to introduce a curriculum that kids can relate to: vampires.

One spokesperson on campus said, "With the booming interest in one very popular show such as Twilight, we realized we could arrange an entire curriculum so kids could major in fantastical ideals of vampirism, escape their own mortal lives, and pretend to be, or be in a relationship with, the fanged hottie, Robert Patterson. Through this curriculum, we offer every lecture on video by visually dissecting the integral moments of blood suckage, fanged rebellion, iron deficiency, and inability to love the living. This will cut out the cost of books, unless they're so inclined to go back and read where this cinematic phenomenon gave birth, and definitely weed out any craving to excel at math, business, economics, english lit, or anything that doesn't require the fantasy realm of fanged sexual hotties."

The chairman continued to note that other programs will be taught along with Twilight, such as, The Vampire Diaries, TrueBlood, and will have some throwbacks to more historical series like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. Students also have the opportunity to double major in Zombieism, as well, for a full-range of post-mortem academia. Points of intrigue in this major include: getting out of your house alive; what to bring in case of a Zombie break out; how to get in with the top key Zombie players; how to spice up your Zombie resume; and how to look extra retarded running around trying to eat people's brains.

"It's definitely a major in the making, but kids are jumping right on it--sucking the life out of it, so to speak-- tearing right into the material, and making them thirsty for more. We definitely could use more Zombies and time-sucking vampires in the world's future. I mean, think about it. If we trained students to be the smartest and best that they could be, teach them they can amount to anything in their jobs, why are there so many upset people in the workforce telling their co-workers, 'I need to do some brainwork at this job. I feel like a fucking Zombie!' or, 'I can't believe they are having me count every pixel on this graphic. It's such a time-sucking vampire.'"

Chairman ended that he wanted to prepare kids for the grim future and realize that no matter what post-mortem world they are aspiring towards, in the end, they will always work a job that's a living hell.

New Marketing Company Fails Because They Took Timing Too Literally

A new start-up marketing company has divulged some serious advice on certain things to stay away from when starting your own business, trying to invent your own job, and giving yourself a big fluffy company title/position while failing to bring in clients.

With the old saying ,"Where there's a will, there's a way" these girls managed to print some funky business cards as the initial stage of building a business. "We totally understand social media. Like, we both know how to use Twitter and Facebook." Upon seeing tweets, it didn't seem like anybody was following their business. They responded, "Well, like, you hear about traffic a lot and we totally didn't follow what they were saying. I mean, like, yah the SoCal freeways are super trafficky, but it's like the internet. How do you like run out of space and stuff?" The continued on with the interview to say, "We just figured if we put it out there, someone was going to like, find it, and want us to help them and stuff like that. I mean, we're all, like, artists and designers and stuff and some people just need more help than others."

Catching up with them over at their crawl space, eh hem, work space, they spoke about innovative business tactics such as reading "Business For Dummies", "Running Like A Totally Amazing Company 101", and "You're AbFab Amazeballs, Baby!" They mentioned the latter was one just about singing daily affirmations into the mirror every morning and telling yourself how awesome you are--not a part of the business model, just a Vanity Venn Diagram.

But despite such colloquialisms like, "Believe in yourself", "Nothing is Impossible", "Because You're Amazing", and "You're Just Amazing," the company did not survive well in the first months after its arrival. We asked why they had so many clocks with different times from all around the world. The CEO/ Business Dummy Guru/ Advocate of the word "amazeballs" told us, "Yah, we spent all of our capital on all these clocks for our wall. But as much as the clocks aren't bringing in clients like we thought, we just stare at them all day...hoping. I mean, it's all about timing."

Life Coach Fired For Getting Pointers From Beer Coasters

It was a devastating day for John Richardson, 46, of Lake Forest, California to find out that after three years of working with a life coach, Richardson found out--to his surprise--that his trainer's inspiring go-getter attitude was merely a compilation of cliched phrases found on beer coasters and napkin blurbs from the bar. At first, the beer tips overlapped well into the general phrases of inspiration such as "Good things come to those who wait", "If not now, when?" and "Perfection has it's price."

But after hearing much of the same adages over the years, Richardson grew more skeptical when he started hear newer and sloppier lines of inspiration: "Do you see the glass half-empty or half-full?","Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder", "What if the Hokey Pokey Really IS what it is all about?" When the trainer came back with even more banal phrases, which one could never consider inspiring, such as, "Tap That Ass", "You're damned if you do. You're damned if you don't", he was ultimately fired for: "If she's not falling out of her bar stool wasted, she's not ready to take home quite yet."

Area Stoner Files Police Report For Stolen Stash

Somewhere in Venice, California yesterday, police apprehended a young sophomoric delinquent on Pacific Ave near the boardwalk for shoplifting a water pipe, pair of sunglasses, and some hemp flavored lollypops. Upon confiscating the items from the quixotic adolescent, the two police men found approximately an eighth of an ounce of marijuana in his back pocket. All items were then taken into custody and released the young man with a warning.

Later that same afternoon, the same adolescent called 911 to report that his pot had been stolen and that he wanted to file a police report. He thought the police officer on the other side of the line sounded familiar, but half way through the report, he forgot why he was calling. A few minutes later he tried to call back to file another stolen item of his, but he couldn't find the bluetooth he was just using that was connected to his ear. Forgetting again shortly after that, he laughed hysterically to himself, realized the bluetooth was a blue potato chip, and ate the june bug that had landed on his ear.

Celebrating One Really Full-Of-Shit Law

Today marks the celebration of the creation of Sturgeon's Law that states: "Ninety percent of anything is full of crap." This law first took effect 1951 by Theodore Sturgeon and it seems to have taken major prevalence during the years of the Bush Administration, and continued to grow in the fields of scientology, the fashion industry, the Snuggie, the Shake Weight, or anything having to do with Tyra Banks. Today marks the 59th anniversary of the creation of Sturgeon's law, and in celebration of this momentous theory, encourages people to go out and share one thing about their day with another person that is pretty much full of shit. Easy enough, you'll realize people don't have to try very hard at this one. And for us, we've just shared ours. Sturgeon's Law is today? Yah, we're pretty much full of shit, too. ;)

Area Man Arrested For Self-Inflicted Slave Labor

Yesterday in the city of Brentwood, California, a man by the name of George Bunderson was arrested for attempted slave labor against himself. Due to the economic climate of the recession, George mentioned that he was creating his own self start-up company. As CEO and founder of his company, he established he would be the main employer and employee of his company, mainly the latter. But as months passed on, George never received any paychecks for his hard work. When George confronted the situation by emailing the CEO of the company, he received no reply. When George realized he was not intentionally working pro-bono for the company, he got suspicious about the ethical standards of this new start-up company. Three months of working and never receiving a single cent from the company, George filed a complaint with the Business Ethics Bureau and with his course of action, the company was shut down. George was charged with paying himself $7000 for his hard work with the company. After that, George never spoke to George again.

Lindsay Lohan Incarcerated For Bad Acting

Lindsay Lohan has been booked again to go back to jail for violating her probation by shoving more white powder up her nose after she was released from jail and her revolving door rehab. An insider let us know that the judge's brutal incarceration sentence was not just merely for her substance abuse problem and failing to complete her AA hours for her DUI, but felt Lindsay should be behind bars for her performances in Herbie: Fully Loaded, I Know Who Killed Me, and her studio-magic album: Speak. Although she has posted bail for $300,000, word has it the prodigal brat is set to pick up a couple films to help support her "acting career." The upcoming films entitled "Nare Sugar", "The White Stuff", and "The Porcelain Train" cast the star as playing herself: emaciated, old-looking, and bitchy. Sounds like an epic drama.

Area Boy Confuses Euthanasia For The Prolific Birth Rate in China

As the headline reads, the area boy, in fact, confused the word euthanasia with an increased rate of the birth of children in China. Besides merely just butting into someone's conversation, he continued to respond to the unknown strangers with points about China's booming economy and how we're all fucked and something of that nature. After five minutes of digressing into a diatribe about globalization, he was finally able to dig out that piece of gold from his nasal cavity. You tell 'em, Timmy, and keep reaching for the gold!

New Study Shows Unemployed People Require More Sleep

A new study was just released the other day showing that the unemployed human requires an additional six hours of sleep than the average working individual. While the average working human maintains a seven hour sleep session, the unemployed individual may require up to thirteen or even fourteen hours of uninterrupted sleep. The study also reveals that the unemployed individual also requires a higher food intake and more ass-sitting time required for this additional ingestion. This consumption period is normally coupled with insanely long periods of TV watching, staring at a wall, or head scratching.