1. Put that shit on Facebook
2. Put that shit on a fan page on Facebook
3. Put that shit on Facebook and tell people to click the “like” button
4. Put that shit on Facebook and lock it up with your logo
5. Put that shit on Facebook, then add some more Facebook, then create another Facebook page that gets people to your original Facebook page
Five glorious mind-blowing tactics that get “social media experts” jobs and the ability to take really long lunches.
Ok well, maybe not half, but all heterosexual males, this study reconfirmed what we have known for centuries: men only have two emotions. After a PET scan of the brain, scientists we able to locate highly concentrated areas of two emotions in the frontal lobe. After a variety of tests, these areas lit up the most significantly when men were either eating or having sex. With extensive analysis, the study confirmed men only experience two feelings: hungry and horny. Forget sympathy, empathy, distraught, apprehensive. No, no, no. And when we performed these two activities in sequence, the results were astounding. One would think by the thermogenesis on the graph, this man’s head would explode. So I guess after he’s done boning, he’d also really like a sandwich.
A new product hit the shelves the other day and starting getting all the buzz with the most skeptical consumers. A new shampoo called Brainwash was unveiled last week and many have reported its astounding effects. One lady reported, “Not only does it leave your hair all silky and smooth, but I don’t hate my life or the economy any more, and most importantly, I don’t think the Obama administration is that fucking retarded in ballooning the national debt.” Wow! To many, that may have seemed like disconnected thinking, or that this lady was kinda nutso, but the power behind Brainwash was self-evident. It’s a shampoo to help you wash all those blues away, especially for any pessimist who’s getting all Negative-Nancy about society. Just shampoo into scalp and let the chemicals seep into your brain leaving it all fuzzy and warm-feeling. Intense feelings of optimism and exuberance kick in why lathering which can then be stabilized with a conditioning treatment or you can let it balance out while it dries. Best part is that it’s cheap, over-the-counter, and you don’t even need a prescription. Take that, Prozac! And while you’re at the store, don’t forget to pick up some of the Jim Jones’ Kool-Aid for some easy resting.
A new study was revealed the other day that most of the general population gets a boost of self-esteem with the more debt they must pay off. Not just school loans. We’re talking major credit card debt with interest rates through the roof. Can’t pay it off and have no job? No problem. Just open up another credit card. Maxed out? Who cares. Just keep spending. And with an added boost to morale, think about all the finance charges and fees that accrue when you don’t pay your bills on time. You can’t put a price tag on that sense of self-worth. Or can you? The more people spend the more they realized they could have it all. After receiving a Master’s, a young area man could still not find a job, so he spent his days spending. School debt, credit card debt, and a whole bunch of unpaid bills left this gentleman sitting alone in his dark apartment with no electricity, no internet, and an eviction notice on his front door, and told us he felt like he was on top of the world when he said, “Without confidence, we are nothing.”
