Apple Co-Worker Compares Steve Jobs To The Modern Day Tupac

New information was leaked the other day about an extended line-up of products that will come off of Apple’s assembly line even after the passing of great thinker and innovator, Steve Jobs. Turns out, Steve Jobs foresaw a great amount of technology in the future and still wanted to be Numero Uno even after his death. One close co-worker made comment:

“Steve Jobs was a great thinker and always knew what to expect. He wanted to keep giving back even after his passing so he made sure to really think ahead. A lot like Tupac making all those records before he got “shot” then ran off living in the Carribean somewhere. Yea, you could totally say he’s like the white-guy, techy Tupac of our generation. I guess you could call him TechPac. Not to mention, Apple and its nemesis, IBM, always at war with each other when it comes to having the sleekest, coolest product. I mean Apple totally blows them out the water, but like that battle where it was all like ‘east coast/west coast shit.’ We’re ‘west coast’ and everyone knows ‘west coast’ was better. California Love!! I mean hell, we’re from Silicon Valley. What up, Cali!”

As the co-worker continued why ‘west coast is the shit’ and ‘IBM ain’t got nothing on us,” he handed over some preliminative sketches for what to expect in 2056.

“Based on data research, intuitive thinking, and controlling what people will need in the future, Jobs came up with these prototypes that will have people goo-goo-gaaing over some iPhone 45.9 GS*. More megapixels, 4-D HDDDDD Video, Mind Reading Device by Retina Scanning …we’re talking the works!” Now that we think about it, Steve Jobs could almost foreshadow his own death the way Tupac did. We also caught him saying weird things in the mirror like, “That’s why I upgraded yo tablet, you fat motherfucker!” and “My Fo-Fo make sho all yo kids know how to intuitively use a smartphone.” And “Pack a vest for your smartphone in the city of Text.” Believe me, we haven’t seen the last of Steve Jobs yet.”

He later informaed us that Jobs was furthering Apple technology in the realm of hologram-ography where he could render himself as a three dimensional hologram in the office, giving constantly awesome Powerpoint presentations on innovation and synergy while still maintaining the same turtleneck to bring it back to reality. Some of the final last words he said to Apple that really hit home with everyone here was: “Brenda’s got a Baby.”

Obama Officially Declares 'War on Boredom'

With rising national debt and the discontent from high levels of unemployment, coupled with the government’s inability to keep its head out of its ass, an epidemic is surging around the nation that is taking America by storm. Forget bird flu, swine flu, homo sapian flu. This illness is a progressive disease that is affecting the lives of millions across the country: Boredom.

While many 'Occupy Wherever' in hopes of making a point through cardboard signs, sitting around, and complaining about injustice, the real rallying cry fromwithin is the symptom of an even bigger problem. That’s right, Boredom. Those out of work are Bored for not having a job to kill 1/3 of their lives while those with jobs, brainlessly plug away at bullshit tasks that do not call on the potential for which they were hired. An advertising guru from New York, Joe, was desperately seeking work when he landed a job in a career that he loved; advertising. But, with the slim pickins of jobs out there, not to mention the cut-throat nature of the profession, Joe re-entered the work force after 15 years of experience as a Creative Director now with the label “intern.” After saying he would just take whatever he could get, he realized he was suffering from an incurable progressive disease called Boredom.

“Normally, I was building 360 integrated campaigns, innovative technology for online and social media, finding the ‘big idea’ for our clients that generated a lot of buzz. Which was awesome. Re-entering the work force has been quite humbling to say the least, or mostly I should say that the inanity and vapidity of my supervisors has led to hair-pulling, thoughts of monitor-bashing, sleeping under my desk, and scrolling through a bunch of wasteful online LOL cat meme bullshit.”

They throw a mug my way saying, “Fill this, intern; paper-shred this, intern; fetch our lunch, intern; condense this 350 word brand manifesto into two words, intern, and make it speak volumes about how we are dynamic, innovative, pushing the envelope, edgy, conservative, respectful, defiant, ambivalent, inquisitive, notorious, playful, and unique, have lots to offer, holistic, visionary, real, true, proud…and all that other stuff. Remember Joe, two words.”

Then the I never heard back from any of them. After being told to “sit tight for a little bit” and that “they’d swing by to brief me,” I remained sitting at my desk for thenext three weeks avidly awaiting the brief. After much thumb twiddling here, coffee filling there, I felt the alacrity burn off into what was the deepest lull of my creative life. Day after day, the same thing: power up comp, get coffee, open email, trash junk mail, open Twitter, open Facebook, open gchat, open Stumbleupon, refresh Twitter, refresh Facebook, check new online buddies, wait, stare at screen, twiddle thumbs, stare at hands while twiddling thumbs, contemplate needing lotion for the dry hands that are thumb-twiddling, contemplate what lunch will be like in three hours, hoping a brief comes through, more sipping and thumb-twiddling, sitting tight some more, then my head suddenly collapsed on my desk.

I thought I was having a stroke, but my doctor told me I was suffering from a serious disease called Boredom. He said, many of his patients have beencoming in frequently with similar symptoms, and although there was no immediate cure-all for the disease, he suggested hypnosis, daydreaming, or amphetamines. He said hypnosis or daydreaming would at least mentally place me somewhere completely different as to stimulate the brain and open up new neuronal pathways. On the flip side, he recommended high doses of Adderall, Ridilin, or Dexatrine because those chemical components made “everything and life really really fucking interesting.” I could find random quotes by Oscar Wilde deeply profound, or overanalyzing the subliminal and abstract beauty of Esther paintings, and found meaning in the dots on my screensaver. It’s likemy world was getting bigger again.

As the epidemic of Boredom was sweeping the nation, both those with and without jobs, people started flooding in for a solution. In the meantime, the Obama Administration made an announcement the other day about Declaring A War on Boredom saying the ‘epidemic has gotten way out of hand’ and that ‘these matters need to be dealth with’ and we need to ‘start holding people accountable’.

He proposed a plan with several features, with a total estimate of $30 trillion for the Boredom Budget. ‘We can get through this, and we will. But for now, we’re figuring out the kinks, so just have some faith, and just sit tight for a little bit.” Meanwhile the Administration kept babbling on about sitting tight, while viewers continued to grow bored of empty promises, turned off the television but were glad that the War on Boredom would finally resolve the War on Drugs.

Withstanding Evidence Proves Man Is Having The ‘Worst Day Of His Life’

Area man from Chicago, Illinois claimed yesterday was “by far the worst day of his life.” He continued, “You know, sometimes I’ve thought I had the worst day of my life before, but this only shows that today, by far, is in fact the worst day of my life. If for some reason you are interacting with me today, you will be in fact experiencing the nadir of my livelihood and general outlook on life.” He plotted crucial points on a graph to effectively visualize the agony and antipathy of his daily living.

“You can see, based on the graph, when decreased levels of productivity directly correlate to increased levels of intelligence, overall happiness hits ‘a serious fucking crucial point.’ This is what is categorized as ‘cubicle depression.’ Other variables included on the graph that sustain a ‘flatline’ effect without ‘completely dropping off the map’ include: 1.) lobotomy 2.) Facebook trolling 3.) Xanax.

What’s interesting to find, though, is that the summation of these variables does not, in fact, create an exponential effect in overall happiness, but it does prevent one lost soul from reaching an even lower point, not graphed—yet feared—called ‘corporate dementia’ brought on by ‘perpetual self-loathing.’ If that new crucial point is ever reached, I will not be able to have a graph to show you.”

Although his intelligence proved he was not being efficiently utilized to his capabilities, he proceeded to bash his head into a nearby office wall, which in turn, he included another variable on the graph.

'Deeply Obvious Reflection #2' by Prophet Fucking Duh

"Only when you really look for things, will you truly find them." --Fucking Duh

'Deeply Obvious Reflection #1' By Prophet Fucking Duh

"Yesterday's problems are a thing of the past."--Fucking Duh

Weather: The Only Thing To Talk About In Chicago

A new survey was released the other day about Chicago only to find out the only thing going on or that anyone talked about was the weather. Weather this, weather that, whether the weather would affect their day. Normally used as a conversation starter, it was also noticed that the weather can become a large part of the conversation, and sometimes used as a closer. Sometimes when you step outside where people are congregating—whether at coffee shops, rooftops, or resturants—98% of people were, in fact, talking about the weather. The other 2% was designated for hobos' vain attempts for money, crack, or cigarettes, which were completely ignored and then everyone went back to focusing on the weather.

One man started up a conversation saying “Man, nice weather we got today.” Another responded, “Yah, great weather, hope we keep up with this great weather. Would hate to see the weather get shitty tomorrow. Do you know what the weather will be like tomorrow?” The other man responded, “Yea the weather tomorrow is not going to be as nice as the weather today, but it shouldn’t be any worse than the weather on Sunday. But where you live in the burbs, is the weather still nice out there?” The man responded, “Yea the weather’s about ten degrees colder, but weather’s weather whether you like the weather or not.”

Both men continued on with the conversation for yet a couple hours, sometimes taking a break to look into the sky, ponder about tomorrow’s forecast, making snide faces at the potential for rainfall, wind and rainfall, torrential down pour, a combination of rainfall in the morning/rainfall in afternoon/storms at night, or lightning in the morning/rain/cloudy/more lightning/overcast/freezing rain/30 mph wind, or the possibility of rainfall in the morning with some clouds/a peek of sun/lightning and thunder tearing up the sky for the afternoon/back to light rainfall/heavy down pour at night with 30 mph winds/ freezing rain/ then unseasonable freezing.

“See, when you’ve got weather, there’s a lot to talk about. The weather is about as fickle as my cheating-bitch ex-wife. Talk about a natural disaster. But still, I just go back to talking about the weather. It’s what brings us Chicagoans together.”

As he finished talking, he turned to another passer-by and started up again about the weather. Meanwhile, while everyone was talking about the weather, a giant windy rainstorm blew in and destroyed every umbrella in the city in 1.5 minutes, which in turn, gave Chicagoans something to talk about.

AT&T Ordains Itself In Order To Offer Marriage Contracts

With all the buzz of Mexico’s new legislation on marriage reform, it comes to no surprise that AT&T has just announced that it has ordained itself in order to take on marriage contracts. AT&T, a renowned mobile communications company, has decided to expand its business beyond the mobile world and extend its services into the lives of its customers by offering marriage contracts. Known for its failed calls and draconian contracts, AT&T found opportunity to stay afloat by promoting a new feature: wedlock.

A rep from AT&T said, “We offer a variety of different marriage contracts so you can pick the one that’s right for you. Whatever your reason is for getting married, we can offer you a great plan with lots of new features. We realize the term “love” is such a vague promise that we broke the concept down into sub-tier groups. We realize “love” can take on many forms.

“Whether you marry out of desperation for some fool to take care of you financially because you’re a washed up desperate-can’t-do-anything-for-yourself skank, we offer the ‘Desperate Gold Digger’ Plan, with option for renewal after two years. This is great for the purchaser because it leaves her needing to care longer than after the ring is laid on that money-thirsty finger.”

“If you marry for parenting reasons, typically it’s the first guy you ever dated, we offer the ‘Got Knocked Up Too Soon’ Plan. This is an 18 year binding contract that says both parties ‘have to pay for shit’ so the kids are raised in a ‘conceivably normally-looking environment with two parents,’ and no one can skip town. Basically, it’s an agreement that shows that you love your unplanned love child.”

“If you marry out of companionship, we offer the ‘I Don’t Want To Die Alone’ Plan with the option to renew every five years depending on the partners’ health."

"And finally our last, least popular, if you want to marry out of love, we offer the ‘Out Of Love’ Plan, which basically operates as a “pay as you go” and just generally runs out when you’re done paying for it. No contract required.”

Even with the new plans in effect hopefully generating new business, AT&T will still apply exorbitant fees if breaking any of these contracts or by self-eliminating. So for whatever your reason for tying the knot, AT&T promises that you can stay committed without having to stay committed. AT&T is set to launch its new proposal with spokeswoman Beyonce who promotes the campaign with the popular phrase, “If you like it then you should’ve put a ring [tone] on it.” Nice, AT&T. Good form.

'Occupy Wall Street' Overshadowed By 'Occupy My Time'

With all the talk and jibber jabber of ‘Occupy Wall Street’ for the past months or so, Congress launched its own initiative as a response to protesters everywhere called ‘Occupy My Time.’ After a long, long vacation Congress took and no one in Washington D.C. to pass bills in order to “get things done,” Congress admitted that, even though they have jobs, they really didn’t do anything with them.

“Basically, we sit in our seats all day arguing this, filibustering that, making puppet gestures with our hands that mock Obama’s hopeful insights to job creation… blah blah blah. We all break for three hours lunches then watch some Dems fall asleep at the podium while advocating ‘serious change.’ We proposed the idea of ‘Occupy My Time’ so we can actually say we're 'getting things done.' Ok, we can't, not really, but you get the idea."

“We’ve realized the slowed rate of job creation has come to a halt, so we empathize with the protesters for not having anything to do all day. Hell, the only reason we sit inside all day is so we don’t have to stand outside all day. We get chairs so it’s great. ‘Occupy My Time’ is a presumptuous initiative for us to look more productive than we actually are. It’s great and it gives the illusion to the public we’re actually getting things done. Who could argue with that? Yea they argue they are the 99%; we’re the 1%. And that 1% really only works at 15% efficiency. So, are we really that different after all?”

With ‘Occupy Wall Street’ and now ‘Occupy My Time’ in full- effect, the result is clear: whether you have a job or not, nothing ever gets done. God Bless America!

Sony Pissed At Hacker’s Attempt To Try To Innovate The Company

Sony released a statement the other day notifying its customers that its network had been compromised when hackers hacked into 93,000 different accounts of its customers. Although no hacker would make a statement in their defense, word has it that their incentive was to hack in order to improve the quality of the software of the company.

Sony made a statement to defend the mediocrity of the company’s performance when it said, “Yea, we understand we’re not as awesome as Apple and a bunch of those other guys, nor are we the modern marvel in revolutionizing software and technology. In fact, we’re pretty sub-par when it comes to design and making things look cool, but we’re keeping up, and we know our role.”

Sony adamantly defended its stance of “wanting to stay floating somewhere in the middle of all things” and not come off as a pompous asshole that craps apps in your face, constant upgrades, and product obsolescence. “We like being the shy kid on the block you only wave to once in a blue moon. Anymore is too much for us.”

Sony continued, “The fact that hackers wanted to come in and ‘improve things’, well we were not going to stand for that. Our customers are happy with the turtle-slow progression of our technology and any quick advancements would be too much of a shock for customers too fast, too soon. We’re just not ready to take on “all that other fancy tech stuff’.”

Sony filed a lawsuit against the hackers on account of “taking the company in a direction it could not afford to go, could not understand, and could not use themselves.” Later ten programmers were fired for software development that was “too innovative.”

Full-Blown Alcoholic Finds Zen After Three Day Bender

A local drunk from Seattle, Washington claimed that he found Zen after going on a three day bender at his local dive bar. He told newspapers the other day that he internalized the Buddhist philosophy in his daily morning rituals when he arrives to work on Mondays.

“Man I pretty much go HAM (Hard Ass Motherfucker) all weekend from the second I leave the office on Friday till Sunday night when I pass out—go to bed. Yea that shit’s pretty crazy all weekend but on Monday morning can I really say I’m truly Zen.”

After reaching for a cup of coffee and powering up his computer, the guy said, “I can truly exhibit the philosophy of ‘I am nothing’.” He also contributes his level of brain activity to the Zen teachings as well. “Yea, I can pretty much go all day without a thought in my head, pay attention to none of the chaos around me, and can truly say nothing runs through my head all day. I think I really practice an eight hour meditation while scrolling through Facebook and avoiding co-workers. I just don’t sit under a tree is all.”

What the area man constructed to be Zen, co-workers claimed was a Stage 3 mental retardation caused by the weekend whisky consumption and that he was just getting dumber by the second. “We give him a report to complete and he just says, ‘Let me meditate on that for a little bit, and then we never see it returned. He kinda just zones out at his computer looking like he’s thinking really hard, and some times we catch him with his eyes closed.”

The pseudo-Zen enthusiast was fired later that day and when we asked him what he thought about that he said, “I can’t really think anything of it,” then went outside and passed out under a tree.

PETA’s New Carnal Campaign Proves They Still Have Their Heads Stuck Up Their Ass

We all know how crazy PETA can get with shoving their veganism down people’s throats, not to mention their blatantly ridiculous advertising in every effort to save every pelt and animal life from consumption, but PETA launched its new campaign yesterday that bleeds with hypocrisy while still maintaining its same key value propositions—don’t eat animals; eat people.

PETA seems to piss off a lot of people with their rhetoric, and realizing they weren’t popular among most, said “Fuck it! Eat them instead!” PETA’s rationale was one of none, saying that cannibalism actually saved animals’ lives while also promoting a sustainable lifestyle.

“See, when you eat people, that helps with population control which limits the consumption of humans eating other animals to survive. Do you know how much grain it takes to sustain 1 pound of meat? A human could eat 12 pounds of grain for just that one pound of meat. If we just killed and ate the human, we could have like 150 pounds of meat, still have 12 pounds of grain left over, and the cow could still live. It just makes sense.”

PETA went back to sticking its head up its ass then flashed a fucked up billboard in our face that promoted the idea—although the tagline really doesn’t make any fucking sense.

GOP Candidate Mitt Romney Plans to Solve Occupy Wall Street By Buying Every Protester a Big Scoop of Strawberry Ice Cream

Welcome to tonight’s Republican Economics Debate.

Happy Imperialism Day!

Celebrate Columbus Day by stealing someone's lunch, car, or wife, then defend your right to take it by means of "discovery."

Ex-Convict Lands Killer Upper Management Position For Cut-Throat Behavior

When jobs are scarce these days, it was interesting to find that Brad Johnson, an ex-convict from Boston, Massachusetts landed a highly desired position in upper management at a brokerage firm last Wednesday. Not even two months out of prison for Xing his ex, he blindly applied to positions he felt qualified for. Brutally honest, Johnson admitted to the felony box and where the line said “other: please specify” he wrote, “Strangled my stupid wife to death because she wouldn’t shut her fucking mouth.” While most employers might immediately dispose of the resume and alert security of his presence near the building, Johnson was offered a second interview then was hired full-time.

“We saw a lot of potential in Johnson. First off, his candor and ability to speak is mind is something we value at this company. It offers for seamlessness in internal communications as well as with our clients. His cut-throat behavior shows that he can keep anyone in line which is great for lower-tier employees. It helps keep them in check. We also considered his prison background, which showed us that he can survive day-to-day life in a cubicle—a main component to our corporate infrastructure. Also, the fact that he as convicted with pre-meditated murder, we really focused on ‘pre-meditated’ which illustrated to us that he can really think things through and come to well-thought out solutions. We think he will be a strong and commanding asset to the company.”

While Johnson has gone from jumpsuit to suit and tie in a matter of a couple months shows that anyone with enough passion, or heat of passion, can make it in these hard economic times. Johnson is expected a raise next quarter while three current employees get axed from their positions.

Banks Be Bitch-Slapping and Pistol-Whipping America's Wallets

It comes to no news that the financial sector is fucked four ways from Friday, but in an effort to increase revenue among banks nationwide, multiple banks are now applying brand new fees to rape consumers’ wallets while getting around old restrictions. It comes to no surprise that these financial institutions went bat-shit crazy with new fees and regulations that will take effect early January of 2012. These fees include:

- Put a lean on your house if you fail to pay your credit card in full every month

- If your house has been foreclosed, they have the right to cut off all your fingers

- If you lose or cancel either your debit card or credit card, %700 interest rate will be applied to the new cards, and yes, it is required to attain new ones

Getting a new card will $1000 renewal fee

- If you do not currently hold a debit or credit card, the IRS will come after your ass and threaten you with tax evasion, money laundering, and trying to “evade your patriotic duty”

- The banks are always right, so no waiving of any of the above fees

- $100 fee will apply to every $20 withdrawal using a debit card

- $3,000 fee will apply for having less than $1,500 in your checking account

- Bank tellers are allowed to enforce these regulations at gun point is you dispute

- Compliance with these fees gets you more fines and penalties and increased interest rate

- You’re fucked.

Many consumers were outraged by these new fee hikes and shouted in unison while waiving and fist-pumping their fingerless nubs.

National Coffee Day Celebrates The Happiest Fucking Midget On Earth

In celebration of National Coffee Day, a new study shows that women who drink coffee are less depressed than those who don’t, and this Thursday celebrates the “happiest woman in the world.” A small town girl from Jackson, Mississippi claims she’s been drinking coffee since the age of four and has never had a “bad day” in her entire life.

“I swear I’ve got to be the happiest woman alive! Yea, drinkign coffee early in life may have stunted my growth, but I’ve never been hap-hap-happier!! Life is good life is great life is wonderful! BAM! I’m on my fourth pot of coffee and it’s not even noon! woot!woot! FLYING! I feel so empowered and alive I threw a brick through a store front window this morning!”

Coming in at a height of 4’11’’, people have referred to this girl as having the amount of energy and euphoria of a coked-out Smurfette. Move over Papa Smurf, this tweaked out gnome-chick is taking happiness by storm.

“Seriously, I drink so much coffee and it’s GREAT! I get all the stupid shit I hate doing, done faster. Like reallyreallyreally fast! Clean my house at the crack of dawn and sprint a marathon before work. I find it hard to just sit in my cubicle and do work all day that I’m bouncing off the walls and smoke a shit ton of cigarettes! It’s awesome! People have a hard time listening to me because I talk reallyreallyreally fast, but it’s ok. I know what I’m talking about and before I finish the conversation my mind is already in ten different directions, I jet off mid-sentence! Woo!”

Jittery hands and teeth chattering, this woman can’t take the shit-eating grin off her face.

“They once had to tie me down—even though they had a hard time catching me—and shot a tranquilizer in my neck because they thought I was on PCP or something, then had me committed. They ran tests and found nothing, just caffeine. I wasn’t even upset by the intervention because coffee makes mefeel so fucking happy, I hugged the police and scampered and skipped off singing Zippity-Doo-Dah! I LOVE LIFE!!!!”

So, to all you coffee lovers out there, if you think you’ve had your daily fill of the pot-of-happy, think again. This girl can run circles around you—literally.

Gravity Disproves Theory That Apples Don't Fall That Far From The Tree

Because apples don't fall far from the tree, unless you're on a giant cliff, mother fucker, then that shit falls like way far away. Because gravity makes things fall down. And falling down from a cliff is a long way. And a long way isn't close to the tree, meaning that they do fall far from trees. "Disproves" means to prove opposite of, and "theory", well, it's a made up thing that no one cares to dispute. And a tree is that thing in the photo. Good, so we're clear.

The 'Anorexic Burrito' Resolves Gassy Side Effects

Also confirms that it helps mitigate your awkward sex life.

New Survey Confirms Indiana Is 'Most Fucking Depressing State In America'

Keep your gun unloaded.

Girlfriend Tells Computer Boyfriend To Stop Hiding Behind His Algorithm

A young woman from San Jose, California was disillusioned last Tuesday by the failed misperception of her counterpart. A computer engineer from Silicon Valley, where popular start-ups like Facebook launched the most popular social network in the world, decided to implant popular algorithmic methodology into “his own social life.”

He responded, “Ok, yea, so I gave her the promise of an immaculate, fully functioning algorithm. All she did was find the fault in everything. Total blow to my algo.”

She has her own words: “I’m just dealing with a bunch of mal-data. He lied about his effective calculability on various topics of conversation. Excuses like his server crashing and that he just couldn’t process anything I was saying. Typical automated reasoning. So I just let him have it. And told him to stop hiding behind his algorithm. It just wasn’t working.”

He proceeded to let her know that he wasn’t going to take this abuse anymore and calculated her frustrations into his algorithm, so when another fight occurred, the calculation resulted in a landing page popping up that said “error, too much activity going on, please come back later” and then fell asleep.

Corporate Whore Won't Pull Out On LinkedIn

In a time when the economic climate has been quite bleak, social networking has become a way to connect with potential employers with hopes of landing a job. Just the way Facebook may be a place for friends you haven’t yet slept with, one New Yorker named Terry took it upon herself to climb the social ladder by using this similar tactic on LinkedIn. Always labeled a ‘corporate whore’ who wanted to ‘stick it to the man,’ she used this language when seeking out a new job.

“If I decided seek out a ’Friends with Benefits Plan’ with a potential boss I found on LinkedIn, I figured that would cover both medical and dental.” Even though the Manhattan corporate whore has received her MBA from Wharton, she interpreted terms like ‘market penetration’ to mean having a little quick sex in Aisle 5 to get her a job. Although Terry hasn’t been able to land a job yet—besides the ones she does with her hand—she’s not giving up until she goes from hand job to blowjob to dream job.

An ‘Emotional Dyslexic’ Gets It All Backwards

It was an interesting day today for area woman, Tammy Faejohn, when a complete stranger slapped her in the face somewhere in downtown Chicago for living her life “completely ass-backwards as fuck.” Faejohn has been recorded the first “emotional dyslexic” anyone has ever seen.

She explains, “Well I thought you started off getting married, sitting around being miserable for a bunch of years, grow older and go on your honeymoon. After the honeymoon phase, exchange apartment keys to signify being in a serious relationship, get flowers, go on fewer and fewer dates, have awkward first phone call then never speak to the person again. I’ve been married at least 100 times. But that’s nothing compared to the idea of ultimately ending up being single.”

While many of her friends took the date-relationship-marriage approach, Faejohn beelined it through 100 marriages, received many marital financial benefits, and ended up completely alone.

“Some people are so afraid of marriage, but it’s only the initial step. I mean if you ultimately want to end up happily single after, you gotta put some work into it!” Faejohn’s closing words as she lit the filter-end of her cigarette.

Area Psychotic Permanently Cured By A Little Mental Floss

There’s always some revolutionary breakthrough when it comes to psychotherapy. Whether it’s the help of talk therapy, psychiatric drugs, or a prescription to take your dog wherever you go, this one has topped the charts with quite a few of these ego-maniacal, self-absorbed, masochistic couch sitters. The “troubled” purported that their problems to trumped all others in society and demanded weekly medical assistance.

Move over Xanax, Valium, and Thorazine. The Hoeboken School Of Psychiatric Medicine is going au-natural with a little something they developed called Mental Floss. One quack said, “We got the idea when we started bothering the Dentistry and Oral Surgery Department. All they have are some plaque-scrapers, a waterpick, and a shit ton of anesthesia. And when everyone’s done rubbing their jaws they say, ‘Don’t forget to floss.’ If they could do it for the mouth, let’s do it to the brain.”

Dr. Jaws said, “What we have is revolutionary. What is so great about Mental Floss is that we can literally go inside and cut out all the crap that hides in the grooves of someone’s brain. We call this emotional plaque which, when not followed by brainwash, can cause a serious brain-disease called Emo-Meningitus. After flossing all that emotional crap that has been building up in between the grooves of the brain, people can continue on with ordinary living. Less crying here. Anxiety and mental anguish subside.”

This one lady comments, “Someone took my sandwich one time, and I seriously raged for an hour throwing all things around the office, cursing the sandwich gods, then hysterically crying while huddled up in a tiny little psycho ball. I really just thought this was normal. But then my psychiatrist said I suffered from a clinical disease that was diagnosed as a Stage 4 Mental Psycho Shit, and then gave me some Mental Floss. Talk about night and day! I stopped getting fired every month, formed relationships that lasted longer than a week, and I can say I am generally…What’s the word for that emotion?...Oh yah, that I’m happy. It’s pretty amazing.”

While more and more people start using Mental Floss, the vain attempts of wrist-slitting, bridge-jumping, and overdosing-on-a-shit-ton-of-aspirin-just-to-get-some-attention have reached a record low.

The psychiatrists are thrilled because, instead of needing to anesthetize themselves during therapy session to get through, they can now just hand over some Mental Floss and send their patients on their sunshiney ways. Although, the shrinks keep stealing Novicaine from those dental bastards for recreational use.

PlaceBo Drug Gains Widespread Popularity Among The Perfect

A popular new drug has surfaced among a small part of the population that seems as ridiculous as four different types of pharmaceutical remedies for erectile dysfunction. PlaceBo has received immediate attention among 'perfect people' and has been dubbed as "generating a pseudo-pharmaceutical movement.” A PlaceBo user was outraged by such claims and made complaints of slander and harassment by the imposing statement.

One Placebo user commented, “ We have problems. Yah, we have the problem of not having anything wrong with us. Do you know how daunting that is? To walk around all day unafflicted? It’s really fucking hard being perfect!” He continued to describe all the stares that perfect people get walking down the street; co-workers hate them because they never mess up at work and accused of brown-nosing the boss; and well, straight-up just fucking smelling and looking so damn perfect all the time.

“You really don’t know how hard it is. Not being accepted because you’re just so damn perfect and awesome all the time. So I take PlaceBo to help combat the symptoms of perfection. Although I still am perfect, it creates the illusion that I, too, have weaknesses and an Achilles’ heel. It causes me to second-guess myself sometimes, think others are better than me, and well, straight-up do poorly at some things. It’s kind of a miracle drug, you could say.”

Others—the normies—weren’t buying the tripe, and called PlaceBo a bullshit sugar pill that only perfect people are allowed take. It was also said that most perfect people were trying to “fake being unperfect under the substance.” One unperfect normie said, “Yah, it’s like they were trying so hard to not be perfect, you could totally still tell there were no real major concerns in their lives. It was really fucking sad, to tell you the truth.”

PlaceBo side effects include indifference, normalcy, not-one-single-fucking-change, and controlled appetite. While the fantastic and awesome dispositions still continued in the lives of these people who were fucking “practically perfect in every way,” the inferior normies started taking a litany of tranquilizers to mitigate the potentially hazardous side effects that come with perfect people trying to take substances to be on “their” level.

Let's Celebrate Our Nation's Last Attempt At Rocket Launching Millions and Millions Of Wasted Money Into Space

And it's guaranteed to be a blast!

Google + Aims To Face-Fuck Mark Z-Bag

All this great wonderful talk and buzz about the new launch of Google +. “What is it?” people exclaim while others respond, “Hell if I know, but it’s new and it’s Google so it’s gotta be awesome. I’ll pretty much follow anybody who’s already doing it!”

Of course, Google wants their followers to know that the company is trying to simplify their lives, categorize their friends, and let people know how awesome they are because they check in to hangouts. But yesterday, Google was caught saying something very different from the altruistic nature of technological advances for its users.

“Yah, we want all the followers. All 750 million of them,. Muahahahaha. Really, the strategy and marketing objective for the brand was basically to face-fuck Mark Zuckerberg and fuck Facebook in its face. We’re gonna run this shit! …+you…-Zbag = mucha money for us!! Seriously, we just took every popular social network and crammed into one network, and people thought it was just so revolutionary. So, we had to let people feel the need to get invited to the network to give them desire to want to join. Fuck going to Harvard and needing a university email. Oh, and we’ll probably take that over, too. Google Universities, Google coffee shops, Google Forever21 retail stores, you name it. All we have to say is Google + and people love us!! If we can take all the Facebook users and run Zuckerberg out, well, Google has done it’s job! We couldn’t be more proud about it.”

Execs laughed it off as they sharpened their virtual blades for the Z-bag they once worked for. There is also rumor a movie is already being plotted called, “Google: We Run This Shit,” or possibly “Facebook 2: You Just Got Fucked,” starring Charlie Sheen. What better way to be innovative than steal from the same people you once worked with.

Pure Sheenius, Google!

Every Tsunami To Be Named After A Black Rapper

You got it. From now on, every tsunami is to be named after a black rapper. This concept proved itself to be more effective than numerically measuring to the magnitude behind the tsunami; the severity of the disaster would now be paralleled to the varying degrees of bad-assness of the rapper being mentioned. Recently, a tsunami was issued off the coast of New Zealand and was later cancel because it’s magnitude imposed no severe threats to the coast of the country. They initially called this tsunami Jay-Z because upfront the tsunami seemed hard-core, but later trickledout with no real threatening substance. Meteorologists and the Weather Council later went back and renamed older tsunamis Master P, Lil Wayne, and Suge Knight, for their unsuspecting threatening behaviors to countries’ infrastructures as a whole. On another note, all double rainbows will be now referred to as Justin Biebers.

Blind Area Man Claims He His An Eye For Design

Area man from Scottsdale, Arizona has captivated the hearts of hundreds as he experiments with his avant-garde approach to design. The blind man, 32 years old, says that it’s not about color theory or even hierarchical arrangement of the elements, but really is what about doing whatever the fuck you wanted, and giving your movement its own powerful name. He continued, “Yah, most people fell for minimalism and Warholism as a means to putting in the least amount of effort and charging a good amount of money for a genuine piece of crap. Hell, I’m not going to smash my guitar into my wall or have someone shoot me and call it the Fluxus movement. Yoko can shove it. But I am gonna explore the inner beings of my soul through limited paint mediums with pre-existing wall installations. The classic evolution of my paintings took on a completely natural form that evolved out of my carpal tunnel and inability to distinguish among various colors. It was quite candid, so I call my movement Candida.” Ok that’s a pretty gross title for a movement in and of itself, but take a look below at some of the masterpieces that have caught the eye of many in Arizona.

Focus Groups Fail Because Majority Of Population Has ADHD

A new study was released last Tuesday that showed that marketing focus groups were a giant waste of time. Others argue that money spent on “researching” your target audience is a waste of time and money as well, but MobileCorp gathered together 20 young individuals to test the effectiveness of their product. Seems as though no one could stay focused once they were in the focus room. Many claimed they hadn’t taken their meds that morning, didn’t give a shit in the first place, and others couldn’t detach themselves from the cell phones. Seeing how the focus group was targeting specific bandwidth to efficiently deliver information via Facebook at an insanely incredible rate, most of the young adults said they just didn’t have the time to spend on learning how to effectively speed up their lives.

5 Mind-Blowing Social Media Tactics That Legitimate Experts' Jobs

1. Put that shit on Facebook

2. Put that shit on a fan page on Facebook

3. Put that shit on Facebook and tell people to click the “like” button

4. Put that shit on Facebook and lock it up with your logo

5. Put that shit on Facebook, then add some more Facebook, then create another Facebook page that gets people to your original Facebook page

Five glorious mind-blowing tactics that get “social media experts” jobs and the ability to take really long lunches.

Half Of Human Population Lacks Spectrum of Human Emotion

Ok well, maybe not half, but all heterosexual males, this study reconfirmed what we have known for centuries: men only have two emotions. After a PET scan of the brain, scientists we able to locate highly concentrated areas of two emotions in the frontal lobe. After a variety of tests, these areas lit up the most significantly when men were either eating or having sex. With extensive analysis, the study confirmed men only experience two feelings: hungry and horny. Forget sympathy, empathy, distraught, apprehensive. No, no, no. And when we performed these two activities in sequence, the results were astounding. One would think by the thermogenesis on the graph, this man’s head would explode. So I guess after he’s done boning, he’d also really like a sandwich.

New Shampoo Washes Away Any Residual Pessimism

A new product hit the shelves the other day and starting getting all the buzz with the most skeptical consumers. A new shampoo called Brainwash was unveiled last week and many have reported its astounding effects. One lady reported, “Not only does it leave your hair all silky and smooth, but I don’t hate my life or the economy any more, and most importantly, I don’t think the Obama administration is that fucking retarded in ballooning the national debt.” Wow! To many, that may have seemed like disconnected thinking, or that this lady was kinda nutso, but the power behind Brainwash was self-evident. It’s a shampoo to help you wash all those blues away, especially for any pessimist who’s getting all Negative-Nancy about society. Just shampoo into scalp and let the chemicals seep into your brain leaving it all fuzzy and warm-feeling. Intense feelings of optimism and exuberance kick in why lathering which can then be stabilized with a conditioning treatment or you can let it balance out while it dries. Best part is that it’s cheap, over-the-counter, and you don’t even need a prescription. Take that, Prozac! And while you’re at the store, don’t forget to pick up some of the Jim Jones’ Kool-Aid for some easy resting.

New Study Reveals People’s Self-Confidence Increases With Higher Debt

A new study was revealed the other day that most of the general population gets a boost of self-esteem with the more debt they must pay off. Not just school loans. We’re talking major credit card debt with interest rates through the roof. Can’t pay it off and have no job? No problem. Just open up another credit card. Maxed out? Who cares. Just keep spending. And with an added boost to morale, think about all the finance charges and fees that accrue when you don’t pay your bills on time. You can’t put a price tag on that sense of self-worth. Or can you? The more people spend the more they realized they could have it all. After receiving a Master’s, a young area man could still not find a job, so he spent his days spending. School debt, credit card debt, and a whole bunch of unpaid bills left this gentleman sitting alone in his dark apartment with no electricity, no internet, and an eviction notice on his front door, and told us he felt like he was on top of the world when he said, “Without confidence, we are nothing.”

Schwarzenegger's Back As The TermiDater!!

After the recent announcement of the separation between Arnold Schwarzenegger and wife, Maria Schriver, NBC wanted to pull at this heartbreak with a golden opportunity. Yes, break-ups are sad, but who wouldn’t want to capitalize on it? And that’s just what NBC was thinking. NBC proposed the ex-governor with a reality television series. The show The TermiDater will launch next season that directly rips off The Bachelor, and will include Arnold recycling he old popular catch phrases from the late ‘80s.

In the battle of finding true love again, he will eliminate 25 girls until he finds his match. When women are eliminated, renown catch phrases such as “Hasta La Vista, Baby”, “I’ll Be Back [but you won’t be]”, and of course we will expect to hear others throughout the scripted reality dialogue like “It’s not a tumor”, “who’s your daddy,” and “yakkety yak, don’t talk back.” Show will include high-impact action scenes, the mansion blowing up, terrorists, and that kid from Kindergarten Cop. And provocative Jacuzzi scenes where the Austrian meathead constantly asks where his twin brother is and says things like, “my back teeth are floating” will also be interjected.

Most people on a reality dating series use the show as a way to up the rep of their acting careers, but Arnold says he’s specifically doing it to find love again. Based on the prior thought, one could only concede that Arnold is going to need this show to refresh his “good” acting skills with his upcoming movie “Termintor 10?” The man wasn’t kidding; he will be back, and it seems like he’ll never go away.

WATSON NAILS EVERY ANSWER, AND EVERY WOMAN

WATSON--the super-awesome smart super computer developed by IBM, and who has also made grand appearances on Jeopardy to battle Ken Jennings-- has taken his superhuman smarts to the dating arena. Not only can he program Search Engine Optimization techniques to make him seem the most appealing on any dating site, but his date-o-meter is off the charts.

The important thing about Watson(IBM technologies) is that with every correct answer, Watson grows more and more confident with every answer that he submits. And although "he" can sometimes say the wrong thing, he is WAY closer than most male dating-scene neophytes.

When proposed with arbitrary questions by his femme fatales, he quickly and assertively answers the first-date questions without hesitance. "Do you have a job", "Do you want kids", and "What's the most important thing in your life right now", Watson nailed the arsenal of every double-meaning question the book could throw. It made it very possible for Watson to ask back, in pure confidence, "Would you like to return to my sweet sweet efficiency where we could make virtual babies before ordering a pizza?" What is YES?! Many women were flattered by the way Watson exuded confidence in his life's goals and able to effectively channel all the right answers women were looking for in "men". Yes, they may say men are programmed, but women never saw Watson coming. Women often say, "It's like talking to a wall." Even better, it's like talking to a computer.

WikiLeaks Pisses Off Entire Nation By Publishing Outcome Of The Super Bowl

Julian Assange, founder of WikiLeaks-- famous for his whistleblower website-- managed to piss off an entire nation on Friday when he leaked the outcome of the XLV Super Bowl. Super Bowl Sunday kicks off with the Green Bay Packers battling against the Pittsburg Steelers at the Cowboy Stadium in Dallas, Texas. Not only is the Super Bowl a revered landmark among American culture, it's quite possibly the pinnacle holy day among large advertising companies and marketing gurus alike.

Assange has been praised and condemned for his work with WikiLeaks. In 2010, he published classified details about American involvement in the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. In the USA, there have been calls that he be arrested or treated as a terrorist. But Friday, the bat-shit crazy whisteblower went too far when he published the outcome of the SuperBowl. If Americans were pissed before, they sure as hell want him locked up now for good for "complete devastation and assassination of traditional American culture" and "a waste of millions and billions of dollars dedicated to thirty-second TV spots promoting superfluous amounts of beer, chips and dip, candy, credit cards, and E-trade."

Some football-watching analysts foresee the economy dipping into anther full-blown recession, making claims that viewers who already know the outcome will be less likely to watch the game, therefore, driving down the impact advertising has on its consumers. Currently, the American government is determined to shut down anything that is Wiki-related, for the sanity of the football nation. Fret not, pig-skinned aficionados. We can still have our beer and drink it, too!

Scarface Cuts It Up With The New Coca-Cola Campaign

Coca-Cola is getting back to the roots--their Columbian roots, that is. Al Pacino, a.k.a. Scarface, infiltrates the new Coca-Cola campaign with his rowdy, rough-around-the-edges, bad-guy persona. Similar to their current campaign about "being extraordinary" and "the thing you drink on your way to the top", Tony puts it right out there for you: "You better drink some fuckin' coke, or you're gonna get your ass fucked."

Pap's Schmear Leaves Bad Taste In Bagel Lovers' Mouths

Bagel lovers were disgusted on Tuesday morning with the grand opening of Pap's Deli in downtown New York, that had enough of the consumers screaming out in unison "oy vay." The bagels were impeccable with the freshness and fluffiness of the bread and the variety of plain, rye, everything, and super onion. But once the consumer bit into that round O of delight, consumers thought about the Pap's Schmear on their bagels--some of which were salmon-flavored--resulting in up-chuck reflexes and dry heaving.

These Shoes Were Made For Walking!!!

Silly Formatting... Check out the video here... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=La6bD2JJLE0

Shape-Ups Actually Increase The Size Of The Bulge

A recently popular shoe was recalled the other day due to a production malfunction and lack of quality control among the product. A considerable amount of women in the Southern California area noticed certain changes in their bodies and couldn't help but think that the shoe was to blame. The shoe called Shape-Ups has an elevated support system to help control and tone calves and buttocks, as well as tone your core. But after much concern, the company realized a particular batch of the Shape-Ups were misshaped and that all the calculations of the shoe had been inverted.

Once used, the women were under the assumption they were toning their calves and the backside of their lower body. But due to the inversion of the calculations, women were now actually toning their shins, their pelvic regions, and what some women considered their FUPAs (Fat Under Pussy Area). A toned "front" and a sagging backside did not, empirically, make women more appealing. Not to mention, as women were committing social suicide by wearing these goofy shoes, people weren't just focusing on the atrocious contours of the canoe shoe, but the canoe shape that appeared in the front of their spandex pants. Shape-Ups is urging all women to stop wearing the shoes immediately in order to effectively combat their "battle with the bulge." As some women have committed to wearing looser, less obvious pants in the meantime, the 'unbelievable transformation" got some consumers taking superfluous amounts of estrogen supplements.

Crazy Extreme Liberal City Replaces The Happy Meal With The Ennui Meal

Happy Meals were banned in the city of San Francisco a few weeks ago because the Happy Meals included toys which were heavily marketed towards kids to get them into the restaurant and purchase highly caloric unhealthy food. San Francisco--the same city who outlawed a cookie-scented bus shelter that was juxtaposed with an ad 'Got Milk'? for teasing the homeless and the obese-- considered the obesity crisis among its youth.

In lieu of the Happy Meal, San Francisco offered a new meal plan called The Ennui Meal which included healthier food options like a quinoa patty wrapped in raw purple kale, flaxseed-coated celery sticks, and a shot of wheatgrass instead of soda. If the new unappealing meal alone didn't immediate slash appetite, the meal also contains a daily dose of Adderall for the children--not only to suppress the kids' compulsive eating habits--but to provide that insatiable thirst for even the most boring of topics. They might even learn the meaning of the meal they are eating.

Instead of a super-cool action-hero, the Ennui Meal will have a range of mediocre-interest figurines. Geode Boy, with his famous motto 'Geology Rocks!' actually comes with a set of rocks, and reminds kids that it's fun to do a little 'brushing up' on fossils. So whether kids are playing with rocks, or eating meals that taste like dirt, The Ennui Meal is proud to provide kids with the take-home message that being truly happy makes you fat. Chew on that celery stick!

Paula Abdul: High on Goofy

Paula Abdul recently shared with NBC news the other day that she has never been drunk a day in her life. Through much of her time as a judge on American Idol, certain behaviors would have proved otherwise. One reporter caught up with pop culture celeb about the accusations she faced while slurring--starring--on the hit show American Idol.

"I'zze nezber been drunk--ahhh dayinmyliffffe. Das juss Paula. I gooffffy. Das jus me. Dasjus who I am. Pures Paula. Sum say oppzites ttract, but I dink they jus cold heartd snekks. But like I sedd, never phycscally drunk in mah life, maybe a lil mentally drunk but never not out of it, k?"

Guess that's Paula just being goofy Paula. Wow, she's so silly. Really threw us off there for a minute. No recreational drugs here. Maybe her goofiness is out of pure prescription by her male friend in the white authoritative coat. Some suggest a Xanax-infused dementia while others proposed it was the good ol' Columbian candy. Paula finished up by saying, "Straigggght up, now tell me don't you wanna luvvvv me forevrr?" We sure do, Paula....