Turnip Removed From Tournament For Suspected Steroid Use

The turnip claims its large physique is caused from a hormone imbalance due to a pituitary disorder. Turnip is currently undergoing drug-testing before it can continue its endorsements towards young kids yet claims its juice is "o-natural." The children's book deal has currently been injected rejected.

Sarah Palin Sent To Hospital For Choking On Her Words

If you didn’t get enough of her policies during the first McCainian round of Maverick hoopla, she’s here to shove her nim-witted perspective in your face one more time, only this time, behind the paraphrased and clearly edited writing skills of her ghost writer. Promoting her new book, “Going Rogue”, Palin continued to defend herself and blame others for her campaign loss in 2008 on her appearance on Oprah. The young female rogue seemed to being having some trouble halfway through her interview.

She begins to ramble, “ W e l l , l e t ' s s e e . T h e r e ' s o f c o u r s e in this great history of America, gosh darn it, doncha just luv this country, but like I was saying, when it comes to issues like public option for healthcare, which Biden is a big believer and, well, I blame some of my campaign advisers on prepping me on certain issues, and, well, the fact that Russia is so close to my house has to count for something right? I mean foreign policy and 9-11 dog bat cat wall and purple stinky Chinkychack….”

Palin started turning blue. It appeared via live recoding that Palin was literally choking on her own rhetoric. With lowered levels of oxygen flowing to her brain she starting spitting out more insane words which could only be described as a state of delirium.

“ I n g r e a t h i s t o r y A m e r i c a r u l i n g there t h e r e ' s g o i n g not never a b s o l u t e c o n s e n s u s A m e r i c a n , i s s u e s , R o e v . Biden , s t a t e l e v e l a n d a d d r e s s e d. S o , y o u k n o w , A m e r i c a , … you know reform job it to be about ….”

It wasn’t long after this, Palin fell from out of her chair and needed medical assistance of ambulance and resuscitation. Upon treating the woman warrior, they had found out too much surprise, Palin had no healthcare coverage. C.P.R. were not the letters of a true Maverick. D.I.Y. apparently were. Well, we can all see how this unfolds….

We were amazed, though, this untimely incident didn’t occur on that famous Couric interview months prior to the election where her incoherent rambling sentence structure; her throwing-in of a few compound phrases; and the way she ends the fragment with an up-note inflection, were all tell-tale signs of a Stage 5 Incoherence: a clear medical condition found in rambling pseudo-political celebrity want-to-be politicians and their incessant use of Ad Hominems and Non Sequiturs. Going Rogue never sounded so wrong.

Ninja Dog Escapes Without Anyone Even Noticing

Go figure. If anyone has any whereabouts of local speed demon, contact your closest euthanasian. Until then, community neighborhood confused as to why they can't finish their tennis games.

New Boardgame Suspended For Stereotype Perpetuation

Just when Mattel thought it was making a board game the whole family could enjoy, the new and improved game—reminiscent of the game Life— left questionable players in a state of confusion and got people shouting in unison “WHAT THE $%^&!!???”

Version 2.0, The Other Game of Life, hit focus groups with a prototype about the proposed game. New package design and reinvention of the pieces were thought to make the game more interesting with spicy new features to bring more action to the table.

Mattel told us, “We wanted to make the game more ‘Life-like.’ We figured if the game was called ‘Life,’ it should embody a realistic portrayal of real households. We created an eastern urban edition where the dinky Suburu-style station wagons have now been changed into Low riders. And we’ve included a superfluous amount of seats just for the kids. As you bounce through the game, you stumble onto your Life chips, which have now been replaced by food stamps.”

Looking at the prototype, we asked the prospective buyers of the focus group what they thought about the “newly improved” game.

“It’s messed up! It perpetuates typical stereotypes found in the lower socioeconomic statuses. I mean, why is half of the spin wheel blacked out? You can no longer land a 12.”

Mattel wouldn’t comment, but others in the focus group implicated that “the players can only reach a five, as a means to show that in this Life, you can’t advance as far or as fast.”

Besides gangsters, hookers, and pimps found on the cover of the board game, we tore into the packaging and noticed part of the board had already been stolen.

The focus group finally reconvened to tell us that they didn't hate the players; they hated the game.

Area Man Blames The Cosmos For Getting Fired

Area man by the name of Johnnie Joe Joe recently got fired from his managerial position at QualiTech Inc. last week and tells sources that there was no acceptable reason for the lay-off. He also informed us he is a big believer in the way of the universe and feels everything will unravel as it should, but this one, he was not going to just roll over and accept.
"I follow closely my horoscope and feel really connected to the universe. If it tells me I shouldn't go to work this week or so, I wasn't going to risk it.''
Upon reading Johnnie's self-fulfilling prophecy, we saw nothing in writing that told him to sacrifice his future business ventures. He explained we didn't know how to read the damn forces of power and spelled it out for us, sign by sign.
"See it says right here: With Saturn coming into your house this first part of the month, and Uranus not too far away, you should feel compelled to not make any future negotiations when it comes to business or pleasure. See. I own a Saturn and it's in my house, my garage. My living room is right next to the garage and sit there quite frequently and watch TV."
Apparently the sign of Uranus was tied close to his lazy boy recliner watching CW.
"As the month begins, you will be happy to have Mars, your ruler, in divinely compatible with Cancer, lighting your ninth house of comfort. Then I put it all together when I realized I was eating a Mars bar at that exact moment watching a news clip about cancer prevention. It was a sign."
As we continued to go through each sign, planet, star, comet, gaseous force, black hole, and so on and so forth with Johnnie, we graciously patted him on his back as we began to realize Johnnie had no effin clue what he was even talking about when it came to interpreting this "wise cosmic scripture."
The only force that seemed to rule Johnnies behavior was a overwhelming force of apathy, demotivation, and delusion when reading into the universe trying to convince him to stay home. The only sign we felt you realized was one of a phone ringing, most likely your boss on the other end? What are you going to tell us next Johnnie? Maybe if the force of Uranus came in your house of love would just equate to you having a romantic night with yourself?
We patted him once more and gave him no resolution to his pathetic misinterpreted life, and told him, "This was the 'dawning age of Aquarius', where a full [Blue] moon would be waiting for us after being driven by the force of [our] Mercury [sedan]." Namaste, Johnnie.

Audience Member Misreads the Point of Magic Tricks

A young woman was outraged by the “indecent” behavior performed on her by a Vegas-show magician Friday night. She claimed the perverted magician used his magic tricks to take advantage of her while on stage.
“Well I could first tell by his method of foreplay where he chained me up to a wall and started to throw knives at me in some sick dominatrix as to get some rise out of me,” she said.
The magician replied,“she was asking for it. She really was. She volunteered from the audience. You can’t rape the willing.”
She said he was planning to take advantage of the situation further by putting her under hypnosis and have his way with her.
“Of course I needed to have my way with her. What good is hypnosis if the client doesn’t follow your instructions? She refused to believe she was a duck.”
After her involuntary quacking and arm -lapping incident, she continued to accuse him of eye rape and mind control—not to be confused with intense concentration, of course. She said she felt powerless--probably from being hypnotized—and she demanded a restraining order for her lower half after his Saw-A-Box -In-Half routine. He was asked to stay at least 50 yards away. So, in rebuttal, he levitated her to the muther-fuckin heavens. Then he literally disappeared. No further word on his side of the story, but, the hat full of pigeons have been taken into custody.