Orange County: The Birthplace Of The FOB

According to the 2010 Census and just the general frame of reference, Orange county is home to the FOB. You got it. FOB. In case you late bloomers didn't know, there is an abundance to FOBs in this geographic area. According to the Urban Dictionary, a valid source, an FOB is what you call a Fuckin' Old Broad…. scientific fact. Give way!! They are all around you.

FOB's can generally be classified as old broads, in their mid to late fifties and beyond, who propose old Republican values while knowing nothing about the new age generation, innovative thinking, or the ability to get along with just about ANYONE. They most likely live right next to you, telling you to turn down the music because she can't hear herself talking to her seven cats; wears clothes from the seventies like they're still edgy and avant-garde; or possibly pouring herself two Scotches because she's convinced someone is accompanying her in a night of debaucherous diatribe. Those are just the voices-in-her-head-isms. As the wind blows through the air, it screams Ambiennnnnnnnnn………..

Weight gain can gage from 20 - ? pounds overweight.. or perhaps she is one of those skinny broads, frail like Skeletor, and tells you those were the good old days. Not the kind of broad who likes it when you play Kanasta with her, but berates you for cheating at cards, that's right, she thinks she caught you, but we forgot…she's partially blind, deaf, and outright retarded.

Accommodating you are; you order her some food.

"We love you lady, but we don't even know you, and stop drooling pizza sauce all over your face. Your seven cats are starting to pounce our face." An innocent bystander interjects the feline predator from the pepperoni debacle.

Poor Guy in the Middle says, "She's wearing fishnet tights like she's still part of the Roaring 20's, but sadly, the only thing that fishnet is gonna catch might be a few small prawn from shore, not a husband. Maybe we can use her tights as a hammock to catch her when her plastered face falls over on her broken heel while dribbling tomato sauce all over her lower lip. It ain't lipstick, honey." She's drooling now.

Classic Case Study #4657#%$%^&….. they are your neighbors, your wives, your mothers, and your best friend's boyfriend's rebounds from a second marriage. They're still living the wet dream from the 70's. Classic cooters, eh hem, cougars. You see them talking to your boyfriend next door.

She starts off saying, "Son, would you like to put your hand in my purse and grab a piece of hard candy?" This bitch is looser than the levies of New Orleans, and it's 9am. Tell her booze time isn't at least till noon, give her three glasses of wine, slap her in the face and then tell her to pass the fuck out.

"4:00pm Nap Time. We'll play Bridge later, then find the rest of her teeth in an Enamel Egg Hunt. Here, have some Alka Seltzer."

She says her daughter would be jealous of her if she ever came across a dapper young man as yourself. Dapper? Once again, slap her.

"Night night, sweetie. We'll play tomorrow."

You tuck her sheet in between her tomato-sauced face with a mouth gaping open from the dentures removed; use her fishnets as a blanket to clothe her and keep her warm; throw some cards at her for good luck, and peace out of that mother.

As she minority vomits on herself, you thank yourself for your gene pool.

Word of advice: Don't ever live in Orange County.

Stoner Rebuttal to Senate's Soda Tax

A proposal has been sent by the Senate to help Californians slim down by putting a sugar tax on soda, not to mention help bloat the empty wallet called California's state budget.

But those opposed, most likely offended because they are stoners addicted to sugar fixes, propose a rebuttal called an Atkins Tax.

"If obesity is what we are trying to combat, why not start with foods high in saturated fat like the bacon and cheese you love to eat so much. Look mom, no carbs! Is California so starved for a reason to tax everything on the shelf including table sugar? "

Survey reveals stoners are quite taken aback by this sugar fee, not to mention some tree-hugging grass gnawing, eat-nothing-if-it's-not-vegan mentality will have no affect on their lifestyles if a pig dies and served to you for breakfast at a nominal fee.

With another proposal to legalize marijuana in the state of California to increase revenue for the state of California, we can see why "these guys" are pissed. It's like selling a car to someone, then making them buy the tires separately. Not to mention, these guys shouldn't be driving anyway. They're always 20 miles under the speed limit. They want the marijuana, but they don't want to pay the taxes on their tasty delectables. Try getting to the store first.

"It's not like that, man. It's the whole system, man. It's like what are you doing to the people, man? It's like….. what was I saying, man? Oh yah, well Captain Crunch is like really really good. And a bunch of other cereals too, man."

Either way, it sounds like the Senate is dying to tax the stoner demographic in anyway they can. Tax the reefer, then tax the munchies. Not a bad plan, eh?

“Not only will higher taxes fail to make people healthier, they will jeopardize good-paying jobs and put further pressure on our struggling growers retailers," said Joey JoJo, aka Green Thumb, aka Morning Sun. “We simply can’t tax our way to healthier lifestyles, man."

MorningSun continues, "Go after the little guys. Sure go after us, we never did anything."

And that might just be how the Senate feels; that "they" don't do anything.

"Everything has sugar in it, man. What are you gonna do, like tax the whole food industry?"

And that's what they did. No wonder Whole Foods cost so much. Going green and organic never tasted so sweet.

Turnip Removed From Tournament For Suspected Steroid Use

The turnip claims its large physique is caused from a hormone imbalance due to a pituitary disorder. Turnip is currently undergoing drug-testing before it can continue its endorsements towards young kids yet claims its juice is "o-natural." The children's book deal has currently been injected rejected.

Sarah Palin Sent To Hospital For Choking On Her Words

If you didn’t get enough of her policies during the first McCainian round of Maverick hoopla, she’s here to shove her nim-witted perspective in your face one more time, only this time, behind the paraphrased and clearly edited writing skills of her ghost writer. Promoting her new book, “Going Rogue”, Palin continued to defend herself and blame others for her campaign loss in 2008 on her appearance on Oprah. The young female rogue seemed to being having some trouble halfway through her interview.

She begins to ramble, “ W e l l , l e t ' s s e e . T h e r e ' s o f c o u r s e in this great history of America, gosh darn it, doncha just luv this country, but like I was saying, when it comes to issues like public option for healthcare, which Biden is a big believer and, well, I blame some of my campaign advisers on prepping me on certain issues, and, well, the fact that Russia is so close to my house has to count for something right? I mean foreign policy and 9-11 dog bat cat wall and purple stinky Chinkychack….”

Palin started turning blue. It appeared via live recoding that Palin was literally choking on her own rhetoric. With lowered levels of oxygen flowing to her brain she starting spitting out more insane words which could only be described as a state of delirium.

“ I n g r e a t h i s t o r y A m e r i c a r u l i n g there t h e r e ' s g o i n g not never a b s o l u t e c o n s e n s u s A m e r i c a n , i s s u e s , R o e v . Biden , s t a t e l e v e l a n d a d d r e s s e d. S o , y o u k n o w , A m e r i c a , … you know reform job it to be about ….”

It wasn’t long after this, Palin fell from out of her chair and needed medical assistance of ambulance and resuscitation. Upon treating the woman warrior, they had found out too much surprise, Palin had no healthcare coverage. C.P.R. were not the letters of a true Maverick. D.I.Y. apparently were. Well, we can all see how this unfolds….

We were amazed, though, this untimely incident didn’t occur on that famous Couric interview months prior to the election where her incoherent rambling sentence structure; her throwing-in of a few compound phrases; and the way she ends the fragment with an up-note inflection, were all tell-tale signs of a Stage 5 Incoherence: a clear medical condition found in rambling pseudo-political celebrity want-to-be politicians and their incessant use of Ad Hominems and Non Sequiturs. Going Rogue never sounded so wrong.

Ninja Dog Escapes Without Anyone Even Noticing

Go figure. If anyone has any whereabouts of local speed demon, contact your closest euthanasian. Until then, community neighborhood confused as to why they can't finish their tennis games.

New Boardgame Suspended For Stereotype Perpetuation

Just when Mattel thought it was making a board game the whole family could enjoy, the new and improved game—reminiscent of the game Life— left questionable players in a state of confusion and got people shouting in unison “WHAT THE $%^&!!???”

Version 2.0, The Other Game of Life, hit focus groups with a prototype about the proposed game. New package design and reinvention of the pieces were thought to make the game more interesting with spicy new features to bring more action to the table.

Mattel told us, “We wanted to make the game more ‘Life-like.’ We figured if the game was called ‘Life,’ it should embody a realistic portrayal of real households. We created an eastern urban edition where the dinky Suburu-style station wagons have now been changed into Low riders. And we’ve included a superfluous amount of seats just for the kids. As you bounce through the game, you stumble onto your Life chips, which have now been replaced by food stamps.”

Looking at the prototype, we asked the prospective buyers of the focus group what they thought about the “newly improved” game.

“It’s messed up! It perpetuates typical stereotypes found in the lower socioeconomic statuses. I mean, why is half of the spin wheel blacked out? You can no longer land a 12.”

Mattel wouldn’t comment, but others in the focus group implicated that “the players can only reach a five, as a means to show that in this Life, you can’t advance as far or as fast.”

Besides gangsters, hookers, and pimps found on the cover of the board game, we tore into the packaging and noticed part of the board had already been stolen.

The focus group finally reconvened to tell us that they didn't hate the players; they hated the game.