Majority of Men Diagnosed With Football Season Affective Disorder

Startling new research has revealed that 95% of men inexplicably experience excessive mood swings during the autumn months and into the early winter. This time period is more notoriously known as football season. A new condition named NFL SAD, i.e. NFL Season Affective Disorder, has taken a huge toll on the male fan base. 

One researcher has explained, “It’s actually quite interesting. I watched one male’s interaction with the television in his natural environment—the couch—and all controlled variables such as guac-and-chips, hot dogs, and beer were present. What we found was, even when we removed these variables from the environment, the subject still experienced excessive mood swings in a three-hour period. He was commonly found wearing a football jersey or a cap representing his home team and shouted a variety of phrases that consisted of ‘fuck yeah’, ‘yeah that’s how you get it done,’ ‘take that bitch!,’ coupled by parenthetical grunting and hand motions towards the television. We call this the manic phase of the disorder, easily recognized by overtly over-masculine grunting and excessive grinning, resulting in extensive blood flow to the facial area. If another male friend representing love for the same home team is present, there may be chest-bumping to ensure victory and to secure masculinity; a high-five at the very least.”

The researcher continued, “On the other side, I noticed that when the male’s home team is losing, the jersey-wearing enthusiast goes into a state of remorse coupled with a subsequent anxiety when the team fumbles, misses the touchdown, or allows an interception. This puts the male in a complete sense of ‘everything is going downhill and we’re about to be royally fucked.’ We call this the depressive phase. Darkness sets in and the male feels the future may remain grim like the present. Outcries such as ‘this is gonna cost us the playoffs,’ ‘bad call by the ref, what the hell was he thinking,’ ‘naked titties couldn’t even fix this.’’

These phases cycled on average about twenty times during one game, with a considerable uptick if the teams went into overtime. If the male’s home team won, glory and a sustained mania remained for days as the man tooted his own horn as if he had actually won the game himself. “That’s right, we’re the best, just you watch us get that ring this year.” Puffed up chest, excessive smiling, gloating and a “look at me look at me” mentality pervaded the disposition of the jersey-wearing pseudo superstar. 

If the home team lost, melancholy set in for days where the male would isolate, facial features grew sluggish and somber, and would say things like,” Don’t even say it, I don’t want to fucking hear about it. Just don’t even say it,” as if every post-game update was shrapnel to his skin. The lachrymose disposition would continue until the male’s home team’s next kickoff, when immediate hope would then again be revived.

“It’s a marvel to see this disorder take place in the household. We also noticed how many men were affected by NFL Season Affective Disorder. Although one outlier did exist, where men generally experienced a unipolar depression and that mostly had to do with the Cleveland Browns.”