Celebrating One Really Full-Of-Shit Law

Today marks the celebration of the creation of Sturgeon's Law that states: "Ninety percent of anything is full of crap." This law first took effect 1951 by Theodore Sturgeon and it seems to have taken major prevalence during the years of the Bush Administration, and continued to grow in the fields of scientology, the fashion industry, the Snuggie, the Shake Weight, or anything having to do with Tyra Banks. Today marks the 59th anniversary of the creation of Sturgeon's law, and in celebration of this momentous theory, encourages people to go out and share one thing about their day with another person that is pretty much full of shit. Easy enough, you'll realize people don't have to try very hard at this one. And for us, we've just shared ours. Sturgeon's Law is today? Yah, we're pretty much full of shit, too. ;)

Area Man Arrested For Self-Inflicted Slave Labor

Yesterday in the city of Brentwood, California, a man by the name of George Bunderson was arrested for attempted slave labor against himself. Due to the economic climate of the recession, George mentioned that he was creating his own self start-up company. As CEO and founder of his company, he established he would be the main employer and employee of his company, mainly the latter. But as months passed on, George never received any paychecks for his hard work. When George confronted the situation by emailing the CEO of the company, he received no reply. When George realized he was not intentionally working pro-bono for the company, he got suspicious about the ethical standards of this new start-up company. Three months of working and never receiving a single cent from the company, George filed a complaint with the Business Ethics Bureau and with his course of action, the company was shut down. George was charged with paying himself $7000 for his hard work with the company. After that, George never spoke to George again.

Lindsay Lohan Incarcerated For Bad Acting

Lindsay Lohan has been booked again to go back to jail for violating her probation by shoving more white powder up her nose after she was released from jail and her revolving door rehab. An insider let us know that the judge's brutal incarceration sentence was not just merely for her substance abuse problem and failing to complete her AA hours for her DUI, but felt Lindsay should be behind bars for her performances in Herbie: Fully Loaded, I Know Who Killed Me, and her studio-magic album: Speak. Although she has posted bail for $300,000, word has it the prodigal brat is set to pick up a couple films to help support her "acting career." The upcoming films entitled "Nare Sugar", "The White Stuff", and "The Porcelain Train" cast the star as playing herself: emaciated, old-looking, and bitchy. Sounds like an epic drama.

Area Boy Confuses Euthanasia For The Prolific Birth Rate in China

As the headline reads, the area boy, in fact, confused the word euthanasia with an increased rate of the birth of children in China. Besides merely just butting into someone's conversation, he continued to respond to the unknown strangers with points about China's booming economy and how we're all fucked and something of that nature. After five minutes of digressing into a diatribe about globalization, he was finally able to dig out that piece of gold from his nasal cavity. You tell 'em, Timmy, and keep reaching for the gold!

New Study Shows Unemployed People Require More Sleep

A new study was just released the other day showing that the unemployed human requires an additional six hours of sleep than the average working individual. While the average working human maintains a seven hour sleep session, the unemployed individual may require up to thirteen or even fourteen hours of uninterrupted sleep. The study also reveals that the unemployed individual also requires a higher food intake and more ass-sitting time required for this additional ingestion. This consumption period is normally coupled with insanely long periods of TV watching, staring at a wall, or head scratching.

Orange County: The Birthplace Of The FOB

According to the 2010 Census and just the general frame of reference, Orange county is home to the FOB. You got it. FOB. In case you late bloomers didn't know, there is an abundance to FOBs in this geographic area. According to the Urban Dictionary, a valid source, an FOB is what you call a Fuckin' Old Broad…. scientific fact. Give way!! They are all around you.

FOB's can generally be classified as old broads, in their mid to late fifties and beyond, who propose old Republican values while knowing nothing about the new age generation, innovative thinking, or the ability to get along with just about ANYONE. They most likely live right next to you, telling you to turn down the music because she can't hear herself talking to her seven cats; wears clothes from the seventies like they're still edgy and avant-garde; or possibly pouring herself two Scotches because she's convinced someone is accompanying her in a night of debaucherous diatribe. Those are just the voices-in-her-head-isms. As the wind blows through the air, it screams Ambiennnnnnnnnn………..

Weight gain can gage from 20 - ? pounds overweight.. or perhaps she is one of those skinny broads, frail like Skeletor, and tells you those were the good old days. Not the kind of broad who likes it when you play Kanasta with her, but berates you for cheating at cards, that's right, she thinks she caught you, but we forgot…she's partially blind, deaf, and outright retarded.

Accommodating you are; you order her some food.

"We love you lady, but we don't even know you, and stop drooling pizza sauce all over your face. Your seven cats are starting to pounce our face." An innocent bystander interjects the feline predator from the pepperoni debacle.

Poor Guy in the Middle says, "She's wearing fishnet tights like she's still part of the Roaring 20's, but sadly, the only thing that fishnet is gonna catch might be a few small prawn from shore, not a husband. Maybe we can use her tights as a hammock to catch her when her plastered face falls over on her broken heel while dribbling tomato sauce all over her lower lip. It ain't lipstick, honey." She's drooling now.

Classic Case Study #4657#%$%^&….. they are your neighbors, your wives, your mothers, and your best friend's boyfriend's rebounds from a second marriage. They're still living the wet dream from the 70's. Classic cooters, eh hem, cougars. You see them talking to your boyfriend next door.

She starts off saying, "Son, would you like to put your hand in my purse and grab a piece of hard candy?" This bitch is looser than the levies of New Orleans, and it's 9am. Tell her booze time isn't at least till noon, give her three glasses of wine, slap her in the face and then tell her to pass the fuck out.

"4:00pm Nap Time. We'll play Bridge later, then find the rest of her teeth in an Enamel Egg Hunt. Here, have some Alka Seltzer."

She says her daughter would be jealous of her if she ever came across a dapper young man as yourself. Dapper? Once again, slap her.

"Night night, sweetie. We'll play tomorrow."

You tuck her sheet in between her tomato-sauced face with a mouth gaping open from the dentures removed; use her fishnets as a blanket to clothe her and keep her warm; throw some cards at her for good luck, and peace out of that mother.

As she minority vomits on herself, you thank yourself for your gene pool.

Word of advice: Don't ever live in Orange County.

Stoner Rebuttal to Senate's Soda Tax

A proposal has been sent by the Senate to help Californians slim down by putting a sugar tax on soda, not to mention help bloat the empty wallet called California's state budget.

But those opposed, most likely offended because they are stoners addicted to sugar fixes, propose a rebuttal called an Atkins Tax.

"If obesity is what we are trying to combat, why not start with foods high in saturated fat like the bacon and cheese you love to eat so much. Look mom, no carbs! Is California so starved for a reason to tax everything on the shelf including table sugar? "

Survey reveals stoners are quite taken aback by this sugar fee, not to mention some tree-hugging grass gnawing, eat-nothing-if-it's-not-vegan mentality will have no affect on their lifestyles if a pig dies and served to you for breakfast at a nominal fee.

With another proposal to legalize marijuana in the state of California to increase revenue for the state of California, we can see why "these guys" are pissed. It's like selling a car to someone, then making them buy the tires separately. Not to mention, these guys shouldn't be driving anyway. They're always 20 miles under the speed limit. They want the marijuana, but they don't want to pay the taxes on their tasty delectables. Try getting to the store first.

"It's not like that, man. It's the whole system, man. It's like what are you doing to the people, man? It's like….. what was I saying, man? Oh yah, well Captain Crunch is like really really good. And a bunch of other cereals too, man."

Either way, it sounds like the Senate is dying to tax the stoner demographic in anyway they can. Tax the reefer, then tax the munchies. Not a bad plan, eh?

“Not only will higher taxes fail to make people healthier, they will jeopardize good-paying jobs and put further pressure on our struggling growers retailers," said Joey JoJo, aka Green Thumb, aka Morning Sun. “We simply can’t tax our way to healthier lifestyles, man."

MorningSun continues, "Go after the little guys. Sure go after us, we never did anything."

And that might just be how the Senate feels; that "they" don't do anything.

"Everything has sugar in it, man. What are you gonna do, like tax the whole food industry?"

And that's what they did. No wonder Whole Foods cost so much. Going green and organic never tasted so sweet.