Ninja Dog Escapes Without Anyone Even Noticing

Go figure. If anyone has any whereabouts of local speed demon, contact your closest euthanasian. Until then, community neighborhood confused as to why they can't finish their tennis games.

New Boardgame Suspended For Stereotype Perpetuation

Just when Mattel thought it was making a board game the whole family could enjoy, the new and improved game—reminiscent of the game Life— left questionable players in a state of confusion and got people shouting in unison “WHAT THE $%^&!!???”

Version 2.0, The Other Game of Life, hit focus groups with a prototype about the proposed game. New package design and reinvention of the pieces were thought to make the game more interesting with spicy new features to bring more action to the table.

Mattel told us, “We wanted to make the game more ‘Life-like.’ We figured if the game was called ‘Life,’ it should embody a realistic portrayal of real households. We created an eastern urban edition where the dinky Suburu-style station wagons have now been changed into Low riders. And we’ve included a superfluous amount of seats just for the kids. As you bounce through the game, you stumble onto your Life chips, which have now been replaced by food stamps.”

Looking at the prototype, we asked the prospective buyers of the focus group what they thought about the “newly improved” game.

“It’s messed up! It perpetuates typical stereotypes found in the lower socioeconomic statuses. I mean, why is half of the spin wheel blacked out? You can no longer land a 12.”

Mattel wouldn’t comment, but others in the focus group implicated that “the players can only reach a five, as a means to show that in this Life, you can’t advance as far or as fast.”

Besides gangsters, hookers, and pimps found on the cover of the board game, we tore into the packaging and noticed part of the board had already been stolen.

The focus group finally reconvened to tell us that they didn't hate the players; they hated the game.

Area Man Blames The Cosmos For Getting Fired

Area man by the name of Johnnie Joe Joe recently got fired from his managerial position at QualiTech Inc. last week and tells sources that there was no acceptable reason for the lay-off. He also informed us he is a big believer in the way of the universe and feels everything will unravel as it should, but this one, he was not going to just roll over and accept.
"I follow closely my horoscope and feel really connected to the universe. If it tells me I shouldn't go to work this week or so, I wasn't going to risk it.''
Upon reading Johnnie's self-fulfilling prophecy, we saw nothing in writing that told him to sacrifice his future business ventures. He explained we didn't know how to read the damn forces of power and spelled it out for us, sign by sign.
"See it says right here: With Saturn coming into your house this first part of the month, and Uranus not too far away, you should feel compelled to not make any future negotiations when it comes to business or pleasure. See. I own a Saturn and it's in my house, my garage. My living room is right next to the garage and sit there quite frequently and watch TV."
Apparently the sign of Uranus was tied close to his lazy boy recliner watching CW.
"As the month begins, you will be happy to have Mars, your ruler, in divinely compatible with Cancer, lighting your ninth house of comfort. Then I put it all together when I realized I was eating a Mars bar at that exact moment watching a news clip about cancer prevention. It was a sign."
As we continued to go through each sign, planet, star, comet, gaseous force, black hole, and so on and so forth with Johnnie, we graciously patted him on his back as we began to realize Johnnie had no effin clue what he was even talking about when it came to interpreting this "wise cosmic scripture."
The only force that seemed to rule Johnnies behavior was a overwhelming force of apathy, demotivation, and delusion when reading into the universe trying to convince him to stay home. The only sign we felt you realized was one of a phone ringing, most likely your boss on the other end? What are you going to tell us next Johnnie? Maybe if the force of Uranus came in your house of love would just equate to you having a romantic night with yourself?
We patted him once more and gave him no resolution to his pathetic misinterpreted life, and told him, "This was the 'dawning age of Aquarius', where a full [Blue] moon would be waiting for us after being driven by the force of [our] Mercury [sedan]." Namaste, Johnnie.

Audience Member Misreads the Point of Magic Tricks

A young woman was outraged by the “indecent” behavior performed on her by a Vegas-show magician Friday night. She claimed the perverted magician used his magic tricks to take advantage of her while on stage.
“Well I could first tell by his method of foreplay where he chained me up to a wall and started to throw knives at me in some sick dominatrix as to get some rise out of me,” she said.
The magician replied,“she was asking for it. She really was. She volunteered from the audience. You can’t rape the willing.”
She said he was planning to take advantage of the situation further by putting her under hypnosis and have his way with her.
“Of course I needed to have my way with her. What good is hypnosis if the client doesn’t follow your instructions? She refused to believe she was a duck.”
After her involuntary quacking and arm -lapping incident, she continued to accuse him of eye rape and mind control—not to be confused with intense concentration, of course. She said she felt powerless--probably from being hypnotized—and she demanded a restraining order for her lower half after his Saw-A-Box -In-Half routine. He was asked to stay at least 50 yards away. So, in rebuttal, he levitated her to the muther-fuckin heavens. Then he literally disappeared. No further word on his side of the story, but, the hat full of pigeons have been taken into custody.

Tourette’s Epidemic Arises Due To Twitter Glitch

It was a very historic moment today when people experienced a Twitter glitch due to an overwhelming amount of users and activity. Twitter’s site went down for four hours starting at around 11 am only to return working around 3pm. Not only did people start feeling frustrated and even anxious, but they started freaking out like a heroin junkie going through withdrawal.
It was reported some people were snapping at co-workers, pulling out their hair, twitching uncontrollably, and cursing as if a sailor and truck driver got together and had a baby with Tourette’s.
After restraining one fuck-upped weirdo—eh hem, we mean Twitter enthusiast—in a straight jacket and fed him a couple Valium to calm his nerves, we asked him about his reaction to the website letting him down.
“I tweet every 30 minutes at this point. I was getting really angry that Twitter let me miss out on 8 separate and very important tweets. How else was someone going to know about the latte I had for breakfast, the itch on my balls, and most importantly, the glitch!! When they develop these sites and play with our dependency on them, they are fucking with our emotions and that’s where they really cross the line! I almost resorted going back to Facebook, and even more desperate, My Space.” As he said this, the loon began to cry in his sense of immediate loss to the rest of inane tweets given by all other members of society.
We witnessed the Twitter-slaves restarting their computers, shaking their monitors, yelling at screens, and crawling up into balls and crying in their swivel chairs. One rogue decided to sink to the Facebook level—a code Orange—and started a group called Tweet Riot. Date: Today at 2, Worldwide. BYOF. (Bring Your Own Followers).
As much as these fuck nuts wanted to tweet their frustrations about the glitch, one positive note was that there was a significant decline in Tweet-related car accidents. Although everyone was going ape-shit crazy in their cars, they were still able to focus on the road despite their manic fits of withdrawal from this popular social media site. It’s interesting to note, when a popular website crashes, less people seem to crash themselves. Although there was less traffic online, it didn’t do a god-damn thing for the 405. Ah, tw$#t traffic!

Virgin Atlantic: Flying High? Or Stooping Low?

We may have all seen Virgin's lame attempt to advertise their planes by making the sexual connection of virginity and the consumer's first time on their flights. Brilliant? Yah, we didn't think so either. But what's really going on in this campaign transcends all levels of racism, homophobia, and alcoholiphobia (a fear of alcoholics, for the late person). Virgin really took their brand identity to a new level, not only passing up on a play on words for virginity, but they based their identity of virginity based on purity, and purity of thought. So instead of revealing purity, they bash everything else they find impure. Genius? Perhaps. Controversial? Definitely. So we wonder why Virgin Atlantic would take this approach? With a company that flies so high, why would they stoop so low? Maybe they want us to believe Virgina Atlantic is only for heterosexual, white, sober people. If that's the case, their flights seems to be stripped of anything fun about flying in the first place. Yah, it may be a safer flight, but definitely not an intersting one. So if there is anything else left to say, it's FUCK VIRGIN.