WATSON NAILS EVERY ANSWER, AND EVERY WOMAN

WATSON--the super-awesome smart super computer developed by IBM, and who has also made grand appearances on Jeopardy to battle Ken Jennings-- has taken his superhuman smarts to the dating arena. Not only can he program Search Engine Optimization techniques to make him seem the most appealing on any dating site, but his date-o-meter is off the charts.

The important thing about Watson(IBM technologies) is that with every correct answer, Watson grows more and more confident with every answer that he submits. And although "he" can sometimes say the wrong thing, he is WAY closer than most male dating-scene neophytes.

When proposed with arbitrary questions by his femme fatales, he quickly and assertively answers the first-date questions without hesitance. "Do you have a job", "Do you want kids", and "What's the most important thing in your life right now", Watson nailed the arsenal of every double-meaning question the book could throw. It made it very possible for Watson to ask back, in pure confidence, "Would you like to return to my sweet sweet efficiency where we could make virtual babies before ordering a pizza?" What is YES?! Many women were flattered by the way Watson exuded confidence in his life's goals and able to effectively channel all the right answers women were looking for in "men". Yes, they may say men are programmed, but women never saw Watson coming. Women often say, "It's like talking to a wall." Even better, it's like talking to a computer.

WikiLeaks Pisses Off Entire Nation By Publishing Outcome Of The Super Bowl

Julian Assange, founder of WikiLeaks-- famous for his whistleblower website-- managed to piss off an entire nation on Friday when he leaked the outcome of the XLV Super Bowl. Super Bowl Sunday kicks off with the Green Bay Packers battling against the Pittsburg Steelers at the Cowboy Stadium in Dallas, Texas. Not only is the Super Bowl a revered landmark among American culture, it's quite possibly the pinnacle holy day among large advertising companies and marketing gurus alike.

Assange has been praised and condemned for his work with WikiLeaks. In 2010, he published classified details about American involvement in the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. In the USA, there have been calls that he be arrested or treated as a terrorist. But Friday, the bat-shit crazy whisteblower went too far when he published the outcome of the SuperBowl. If Americans were pissed before, they sure as hell want him locked up now for good for "complete devastation and assassination of traditional American culture" and "a waste of millions and billions of dollars dedicated to thirty-second TV spots promoting superfluous amounts of beer, chips and dip, candy, credit cards, and E-trade."

Some football-watching analysts foresee the economy dipping into anther full-blown recession, making claims that viewers who already know the outcome will be less likely to watch the game, therefore, driving down the impact advertising has on its consumers. Currently, the American government is determined to shut down anything that is Wiki-related, for the sanity of the football nation. Fret not, pig-skinned aficionados. We can still have our beer and drink it, too!

Scarface Cuts It Up With The New Coca-Cola Campaign

Coca-Cola is getting back to the roots--their Columbian roots, that is. Al Pacino, a.k.a. Scarface, infiltrates the new Coca-Cola campaign with his rowdy, rough-around-the-edges, bad-guy persona. Similar to their current campaign about "being extraordinary" and "the thing you drink on your way to the top", Tony puts it right out there for you: "You better drink some fuckin' coke, or you're gonna get your ass fucked."

Pap's Schmear Leaves Bad Taste In Bagel Lovers' Mouths

Bagel lovers were disgusted on Tuesday morning with the grand opening of Pap's Deli in downtown New York, that had enough of the consumers screaming out in unison "oy vay." The bagels were impeccable with the freshness and fluffiness of the bread and the variety of plain, rye, everything, and super onion. But once the consumer bit into that round O of delight, consumers thought about the Pap's Schmear on their bagels--some of which were salmon-flavored--resulting in up-chuck reflexes and dry heaving.

These Shoes Were Made For Walking!!!

Silly Formatting... Check out the video here... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=La6bD2JJLE0

Shape-Ups Actually Increase The Size Of The Bulge

A recently popular shoe was recalled the other day due to a production malfunction and lack of quality control among the product. A considerable amount of women in the Southern California area noticed certain changes in their bodies and couldn't help but think that the shoe was to blame. The shoe called Shape-Ups has an elevated support system to help control and tone calves and buttocks, as well as tone your core. But after much concern, the company realized a particular batch of the Shape-Ups were misshaped and that all the calculations of the shoe had been inverted.

Once used, the women were under the assumption they were toning their calves and the backside of their lower body. But due to the inversion of the calculations, women were now actually toning their shins, their pelvic regions, and what some women considered their FUPAs (Fat Under Pussy Area). A toned "front" and a sagging backside did not, empirically, make women more appealing. Not to mention, as women were committing social suicide by wearing these goofy shoes, people weren't just focusing on the atrocious contours of the canoe shoe, but the canoe shape that appeared in the front of their spandex pants. Shape-Ups is urging all women to stop wearing the shoes immediately in order to effectively combat their "battle with the bulge." As some women have committed to wearing looser, less obvious pants in the meantime, the 'unbelievable transformation" got some consumers taking superfluous amounts of estrogen supplements.

Crazy Extreme Liberal City Replaces The Happy Meal With The Ennui Meal

Happy Meals were banned in the city of San Francisco a few weeks ago because the Happy Meals included toys which were heavily marketed towards kids to get them into the restaurant and purchase highly caloric unhealthy food. San Francisco--the same city who outlawed a cookie-scented bus shelter that was juxtaposed with an ad 'Got Milk'? for teasing the homeless and the obese-- considered the obesity crisis among its youth.

In lieu of the Happy Meal, San Francisco offered a new meal plan called The Ennui Meal which included healthier food options like a quinoa patty wrapped in raw purple kale, flaxseed-coated celery sticks, and a shot of wheatgrass instead of soda. If the new unappealing meal alone didn't immediate slash appetite, the meal also contains a daily dose of Adderall for the children--not only to suppress the kids' compulsive eating habits--but to provide that insatiable thirst for even the most boring of topics. They might even learn the meaning of the meal they are eating.

Instead of a super-cool action-hero, the Ennui Meal will have a range of mediocre-interest figurines. Geode Boy, with his famous motto 'Geology Rocks!' actually comes with a set of rocks, and reminds kids that it's fun to do a little 'brushing up' on fossils. So whether kids are playing with rocks, or eating meals that taste like dirt, The Ennui Meal is proud to provide kids with the take-home message that being truly happy makes you fat. Chew on that celery stick!