Some Bullshit Vibrating Food Shovel Lets You Know When To Slow The Fuck Down

There’s word of some new gadget do-hicky thing soon to be released on the market to help combat overeating. The vibrating fork is an electronic gadget that does exactly what you think it does: it vibrates when it senses that you’re eating too quickly. Due to the fact that people can’t help “but stuff their fucking faces like a Dyson vacuum on crack cocaine,” science and technology are trying to solve America’s obesity epidemic by sending out vibrations via eating utensils. If this seems to have little impact, Food Pyramid Officials have been designated to walk around food courts tazing “competitive eaters” with cattle-prods telling them to “slow-the-fuck down!”

Monsanto Takes On One Direction: Genetically Modified Boy Bands

We’ve all heard talk about Monsanto, big corporation in charge of GMOs (genetically-modified organisms) and its production of genetically modified crops and genetically modified fish. Monsanto uses genetic engineering for faster growth, resistance to pathogens, production of “extra nutrients,” or for “any other beneficial purpose.”

A rep from Monsanto says, “We’ve also been experimentally developing with genetically modified livestock, although nothing is on the market as of now. As we’ve grown into modifying these meaty tender cuts of tasty deliciousness, an idea sparked in our brains that we could not only bring Superman meats to our consumers, but we could capitalize on yet an even bigger industry—the world of entertainment. Yes, yes, we know what you’re thinking, stick to food Monsanto, you greedy fucks. Yes, yes, of course, but we could apply our genetic engineering to pop culture and really reap in the cash-cash-money-bling-bling-cha-ching,” said the rep as he hand-motioned dollar bill signs while doing a front kick to express his enthusiasm.

The Monsanto rep mentioned that they decided to “get that British dumb fuck from American Idol” to set up a show called “X-Factor” in Britain to help pool in the singing boy cattle for “selective breeding.” 

The rep continued, “We’ve only picked from the finest little singing twats we could find and made sure they won in what looked like a ‘fair voting competition.’ But what voters didn’t know was that these five finalists were actually created and modified in our lab in the middle of Nebraska seventeen years ago. We created a boy band called One Direction, and took out any negative traits such as poor singing skills, unfortunate aesthetic deficiencies (shit that makes you ugly), and removed some obviously definitive masculine traits. We wanted to keep ‘em a little metro so both male and female audiences would swooooooon over them. You know what I mean, if you can’t tell who they’re into bringing home after one of those shows, it keeps everyone guessing and wanting them, you know what I’m saying. It's definitely a product we're proud to slap a [record] label on. Take that Prop 37. Eat it, Cali, ” the rep said as he winked and gesticulated a shooting of a gun with his hand.

With Monsanto’s genetic engineering for faster growth in popularity of this boy band, they also noticed the boy band’s resistance to pathogens. Due to their bacteria-resistant genetic make-up, the band never needed to shower and this cut down on a lot of extra time that could be spent lip-syncing in the studio.

“They need all that extra time to practice making it look like they’re really singing. We just drop in some SMB (Studio Magic Bullshit) and everyone goes goo-goo gaga ape-shit over them. They even beat out Bieber. This shit’s the real deal here. Forget GM cattle, we got ourselves a real GM boy band.”

The genetically modified boy band, One Direction, has topped the charts in the past year, and is set to take on new endorsements advocating the country’s reliance on corn and more GM products. One Direction can even been seen shooting up crops and livestock in their new music video entitled, “You’re Better This Way.” Other popular titles include, “Gimme That Fake Shit,” and “You’re All Pretty Fucking Stupid.” One Direction is projected to have a genetically modified spin-off band in the next ten years that advocates practicing safe cyborg sex with a projected hit song called “We’re No Longer Human.”

Majority of Men Diagnosed With Football Season Affective Disorder

Startling new research has revealed that 95% of men inexplicably experience excessive mood swings during the autumn months and into the early winter. This time period is more notoriously known as football season. A new condition named NFL SAD, i.e. NFL Season Affective Disorder, has taken a huge toll on the male fan base. 

One researcher has explained, “It’s actually quite interesting. I watched one male’s interaction with the television in his natural environment—the couch—and all controlled variables such as guac-and-chips, hot dogs, and beer were present. What we found was, even when we removed these variables from the environment, the subject still experienced excessive mood swings in a three-hour period. He was commonly found wearing a football jersey or a cap representing his home team and shouted a variety of phrases that consisted of ‘fuck yeah’, ‘yeah that’s how you get it done,’ ‘take that bitch!,’ coupled by parenthetical grunting and hand motions towards the television. We call this the manic phase of the disorder, easily recognized by overtly over-masculine grunting and excessive grinning, resulting in extensive blood flow to the facial area. If another male friend representing love for the same home team is present, there may be chest-bumping to ensure victory and to secure masculinity; a high-five at the very least.”

The researcher continued, “On the other side, I noticed that when the male’s home team is losing, the jersey-wearing enthusiast goes into a state of remorse coupled with a subsequent anxiety when the team fumbles, misses the touchdown, or allows an interception. This puts the male in a complete sense of ‘everything is going downhill and we’re about to be royally fucked.’ We call this the depressive phase. Darkness sets in and the male feels the future may remain grim like the present. Outcries such as ‘this is gonna cost us the playoffs,’ ‘bad call by the ref, what the hell was he thinking,’ ‘naked titties couldn’t even fix this.’’

These phases cycled on average about twenty times during one game, with a considerable uptick if the teams went into overtime. If the male’s home team won, glory and a sustained mania remained for days as the man tooted his own horn as if he had actually won the game himself. “That’s right, we’re the best, just you watch us get that ring this year.” Puffed up chest, excessive smiling, gloating and a “look at me look at me” mentality pervaded the disposition of the jersey-wearing pseudo superstar. 

If the home team lost, melancholy set in for days where the male would isolate, facial features grew sluggish and somber, and would say things like,” Don’t even say it, I don’t want to fucking hear about it. Just don’t even say it,” as if every post-game update was shrapnel to his skin. The lachrymose disposition would continue until the male’s home team’s next kickoff, when immediate hope would then again be revived.

“It’s a marvel to see this disorder take place in the household. We also noticed how many men were affected by NFL Season Affective Disorder. Although one outlier did exist, where men generally experienced a unipolar depression and that mostly had to do with the Cleveland Browns.”

Big Bird Flips Mitt Romney The Bird on CNN

Down to less than a month away before voters hit the polls this upcoming November, means it’s politician-bashing season to see which candidate will stay afloat amongst the multitude of slanderous attack ads. But after one Obama ad using Big Bird to attack Mitt Romney’s policy to cut subsidized funding for PBS in an effort to reduce the deficit, it got some voters talking, including Big Bird himself. Big Bird appeared on Larry King Live last night to talk about how Romney's plan will destroy the lives of so many good people.

Bird said, “This is a complete and utter disgrace coming from some super right-winged Republican trying to what?... Crack down on government spending? The man’s indicative of conservative family values, who should know, that PBS brings you Sesame Street, a family show that has educated and entertained young children for decades. I mean, God, I fucking helped raise his kids, that bastard, and he wants to take away my show. Fuck no! That does not fly with me.”

As King tried to chime in with questions to Bird, Bird interrupted by saying,

“Larry, I mean we got a whole street of washed-up muppets trying to make it in this country… he’s gonna take away our jobs, our homes, our very way of living. Where the hell are we gonna go when he kicks us off Sesame Street?! I’ll tell ya where! Skid-fucking-row! You want to see Big Bird slammin’ and slangin’ speedballs just to make it in this world? I don’t have any higher education or even a damn high school diploma for that matter. What the hell I’m I gonna do now? Flip burgers? Can’t work Chick Fil-A cuz of all their open indignation against same-sex marriage. I mean, c’mon Larry, I’m gay. I’m also a chicken. I’m a gay chicken head with a 6^th grade education. You take away Sesame Street, and you’re damn sure I’m gonna start molting and revolting."

Bird said he’s been in the process of making “Occupy Sesame Street” signs for all muppet protestors on the playground.

“Our protest is brought to you by the letter “O” and ‘Oh how were are NOT backing down on this one,’ the yellow feathered enthusiast said as he pointed towards the camera and flipped the bird to Romney supporters who might be watching.

King responded, “There had been talk of cutting government funding to PBS because it was said that you [Big Bird] was overtly encouraging the children on the show that same-sex marriage is a completely natural thing, as well as saying, ‘It’s ok to be a little gay,’ as well as painting their nails saying, ‘Sparkle for mamma, baby.’ Shouldn’t the show reflect somewhat of a neutrality when it comes to issues of sexuality and the home?”

Bird denied all of King's comments. Bird's heated argument escalated to the point where he was no longer articulating full sentences, but merely just squawking like a duck. He started ripping out all his wing feathers with his beak and then smashed CNN’s studio camera. Looks like this is one Big Bird that’s P’d about the BS of this presidential candidate.

SAAB's New Car Horn Lets People Know What's Up

We hear it all over downtown. That incessant honking from cabbies and cars leave people wondering, “Seriously, what the hell are you honking about?!”  Whether you’re a driver getting honked at, a driver doing all the honking, or the passer-by on the street, really what the hell are you honking about?

Well, it comes to no surprise that SAAB, a Swedish car company, has come up with the idea of the Decipherable Car Horn. Say goodbye to the confusing, singular, urgent sound of regular car horns. The new SAAB horn has a variety of phrases that let you know what drivers are actually honking about. Some phrases include,

“Dude, can you just move up a little so I can turn right?”

“Why are you pausing at the yellow!!??”

“Turn left already! There are no pedestrians!”

“You can’t turn left during rush hour here, man, c’mon!”

“I fucking love cookies!”

“Not another Mylie Cyrus song on the radio!”

“Get out of the fucking way! There’s an ambulance behind you!”

“Stop honking at me!”

“Sorry, I honked the wrong phrase at you!”

“Nice U-turn!”

“Why you gotta block the intersection like that?!”

“I’m late for work!”

“Are you Asian?”

“Are you female?”

“Are you an Asian female?”

Studies have shown driver frustration grows when honking goes unexplained. Thanks to the new Decipherable Car Horn by SAAB, people can better understand what kind of driver they are being on the road. With SAAB’s tagline Welcome to the State of Independence, drivers can better accurately communicate their frustrations on roads filled with fucking idiots. Freedom of speech, man. Now get out of the way.