A young woman from San Jose, California was disillusioned last Tuesday by the failed misperception of her counterpart. A computer engineer from Silicon Valley, where popular start-ups like Facebook launched the most popular social network in the world, decided to implant popular algorithmic methodology into “his own social life.”
He responded, “Ok, yea, so I gave her the promise of an immaculate, fully functioning algorithm. All she did was find the fault in everything. Total blow to my algo.”
She has her own words: “I’m just dealing with a bunch of mal-data. He lied about his effective calculability on various topics of conversation. Excuses like his server crashing and that he just couldn’t process anything I was saying. Typical automated reasoning. So I just let him have it. And told him to stop hiding behind his algorithm. It just wasn’t working.”
He proceeded to let her know that he wasn’t going to take this abuse anymore and calculated her frustrations into his algorithm, so when another fight occurred, the calculation resulted in a landing page popping up that said “error, too much activity going on, please come back later” and then fell asleep.
In a time when the economic climate has been quite bleak, social networking has become a way to connect with potential employers with hopes of landing a job. Just the way Facebook may be a place for friends you haven’t yet slept with, one New Yorker named Terry took it upon herself to climb the social ladder by using this similar tactic on LinkedIn. Always labeled a ‘corporate whore’ who wanted to ‘stick it to the man,’ she used this language when seeking out a new job.
“If I decided seek out a ’Friends with Benefits Plan’ with a potential boss I found on LinkedIn, I figured that would cover both medical and dental.” Even though the Manhattan corporate whore has received her MBA from Wharton, she interpreted terms like ‘market penetration’ to mean having a little quick sex in Aisle 5 to get her a job. Although Terry hasn’t been able to land a job yet—besides the ones she does with her hand—she’s not giving up until she goes from hand job to blowjob to dream job.
It was an interesting day today for area woman, Tammy Faejohn, when a complete stranger slapped her in the face somewhere in downtown Chicago for living her life “completely ass-backwards as fuck.” Faejohn has been recorded the first “emotional dyslexic” anyone has ever seen.
She explains, “Well I thought you started off getting married, sitting around being miserable for a bunch of years, grow older and go on your honeymoon. After the honeymoon phase, exchange apartment keys to signify being in a serious relationship, get flowers, go on fewer and fewer dates, have awkward first phone call then never speak to the person again. I’ve been married at least 100 times. But that’s nothing compared to the idea of ultimately ending up being single.”
While many of her friends took the date-relationship-marriage approach, Faejohn beelined it through 100 marriages, received many marital financial benefits, and ended up completely alone.
“Some people are so afraid of marriage, but it’s only the initial step. I mean if you ultimately want to end up happily single after, you gotta put some work into it!” Faejohn’s closing words as she lit the filter-end of her cigarette.
There’s always some revolutionary breakthrough when it comes to psychotherapy. Whether it’s the help of talk therapy, psychiatric drugs, or a prescription to take your dog wherever you go, this one has topped the charts with quite a few of these ego-maniacal, self-absorbed, masochistic couch sitters. The “troubled” purported that their problems to trumped all others in society and demanded weekly medical assistance.
Move over Xanax, Valium, and Thorazine. The Hoeboken School Of Psychiatric Medicine is going au-natural with a little something they developed called Mental Floss. One quack said, “We got the idea when we started bothering the Dentistry and Oral Surgery Department. All they have are some plaque-scrapers, a waterpick, and a shit ton of anesthesia. And when everyone’s done rubbing their jaws they say, ‘Don’t forget to floss.’ If they could do it for the mouth, let’s do it to the brain.”
Dr. Jaws said, “What we have is revolutionary. What is so great about Mental Floss is that we can literally go inside and cut out all the crap that hides in the grooves of someone’s brain. We call this emotional plaque which, when not followed by brainwash, can cause a serious brain-disease called Emo-Meningitus. After flossing all that emotional crap that has been building up in between the grooves of the brain, people can continue on with ordinary living. Less crying here. Anxiety and mental anguish subside.”
This one lady comments, “Someone took my sandwich one time, and I seriously raged for an hour throwing all things around the office, cursing the sandwich gods, then hysterically crying while huddled up in a tiny little psycho ball. I really just thought this was normal. But then my psychiatrist said I suffered from a clinical disease that was diagnosed as a Stage 4 Mental Psycho Shit, and then gave me some Mental Floss. Talk about night and day! I stopped getting fired every month, formed relationships that lasted longer than a week, and I can say I am generally…What’s the word for that emotion?...Oh yah, that I’m happy. It’s pretty amazing.”
While more and more people start using Mental Floss, the vain attempts of wrist-slitting, bridge-jumping, and overdosing-on-a-shit-ton-of-aspirin-just-to-get-some-attention have reached a record low.
The psychiatrists are thrilled because, instead of needing to anesthetize themselves during therapy session to get through, they can now just hand over some Mental Floss and send their patients on their sunshiney ways. Although, the shrinks keep stealing Novicaine from those dental bastards for recreational use.
