Lindsay Lohan Establishes A Revolving-Door Rehab For Convenience

Lindsay Lohan muttered fragmented thoughts the other day from her sobering vacation at the Betty Ford Clinic saying that her experience there led her wanting to open her own rehab facility. Although most would think this endeavor would fall under the pretenses of philanthropy, coming to terms with her addictions, and genuinely offering her support to want to help others succeed, the interest was a self-serving. From what an insider was able to decipher from her fragmented sentences, Lindsay admitted her main reason for opening her own clinic was mainly for convenience. "I knew I'd like totally end up back here again. It's all show and I needs some money. Banking off other people problems to support my own seemed like a great idea."

Recently being dismissed from playing in the upcoming movie called Inferno, she already realized she was living in some sort of sobering hell.

"I'm starved: for food, attention, and money. People aren't buying my leggings so much so I had to expand my coke line--clothing line! So, yes, add to them you see. Throw in some pinky acryllics, bullet necklaces, Lohan compact mirror, and some silly straws. Then like, who needs Dancing With The Stars to save my career? I'll put that DWTStar's cosmic dust right up my nose. Then come home and chill at my new place for a little bit. No biggie. That's why I want a revolving door. I'm always losing my keys. I can't feel my face."

Insider lost interest long time earlier about this conversation as Lohan was spotted outside talking to a tree, hugged it and said, "at least someone here gets me. Ugh."

New Study Classifies Happiness As An Abnormal Psychological Disorder

After several studies, conclusive data proves that happiness in a psychological disorder. Although many people have not been diagnosed with this disorder, it has be proven that this rare disorder has been seen among certain people. Happiness occurs in the brain with large clusters of neurons lighting up in the brain and in the central nervous system. Although the study reveals that happiness is statistically abnormal, the disorder has been seen in super peppy cheerleaders, Playboy bunnies, overly-elated workout instructors, and housewives in holiday sweaters. Scientists are looking more closely at these particular individuals to see--what in fact--causes this excessive abnormal happiness and treat it accordingly with certain medications called Debbie Downers, exposure to long periods of traffic, printer jams, burnt dinners, screaming children, and wrinkles.

Perv Waves His Wand At TSA Officer In A Pat Down

Due to heightened alerts for terrorism during the holiday season, very thorough pat downs have been enforced as people pass through security screening checks at the airport upon boarding their flights. Although this thorough screening freaked people out about the touchy-feely groping and invasions of privacy, TSA reiterated that this was purely a security measure. But one man was not pressured by the extensive pat down and found himself quite aroused by the measure. Officer Sheila Rodriguez was forced to take action against a man who--when patted down--pointed his member at her while searching for hidden weapons and explosives. He responded that he could not control his concealed weapon of love and proceeded to compliment her, ask her for her number, and to take her to dinner.

"If she could have this kind of affect on me while going through standard security measures, imagine what she could do behind closed doors. The uniform's really hot too. Man I'd like her to use her taser on me." Rodriguez overlooked the erect salutation and allowed him to pass through. But the pervert walked back through baggage claim only to re-enter in the departure lines so he could let Rodriguez search him one more time.

"This time I want you to search for my heart," he said. He was soon handcuffed for his public indecency as well as sexual harassment, which only made the pervert even more aroused. The pervert's uncensored performance led officers to question if it could be possible to turn terrorists into perverts. Or maybe some people really should have their junk blown off.

Suicidal Turkey Doesn't Understand the Meaning of Thanksgiving

Some people bring in the spirit of the holiday season with cheer and festivities while some people can't wait to stuff it under the carpet like an ominous bug that they couldn't wish away fast enough. That seemed to be the case for one emotional turkey who seemed to be suffering from an existential meltdown about the meaning of life. The turkey had been caught saying morose things such as "What if the meaning of life is for me to give up my own life to make others happy?" and "do you believe in reincarnation? I think I will come back in the afterlife as a earthworm." He even continued with riddles like, "why did the chicken cross the road? To create moody cathartic art with an emotional poultry sidekick." After several sessions in therapy, I realized my true calling; that I could end up on a neurotic hot woman's face as a means of lightening the mood of poultry genocide. The sunglasses were essential."

Obama Relies Heavily on Delorium To Fix The Deficit

Obama announced earlier today about his plans for fixing the deficit. Not only does he feel ObamaCare has some serious means of fixing our deficit, but also plans an even more determined plan of action.

As he addressed the nation, Obama stated,

"We are going through some tough times. And we can't fix it all at once. It's going to take some time to get through all this. Now, my Cabinet and I thought long and hard about it, and we think we've come up with something substantial--something everyone can agree on. With the help of Doc and Marty McFly, we've decided to go ahead and reintroduce the Delorium to help get through this madness. Basically, we're just gonna go back in time and act like this never happened. Also part of the new ObamaCare makes sure everyone gets a hoverboard. Any questions?"

One man asked, "How much is this going to cost all of us?" Silence....Obama reassured the nation maybe just another trillion to a bajillion dollars, but that it would be well worth it in the long-run. ;) Other plans included stuffing all the money under the nation's mattress, investing in the lotto, and running off to Vegas and putting everything on black.

New Website Solidifies Kaptcha Series Makes People Feel Stupid

A new website was launched the other day that tapped into the tendencies of the young adult population trying to seek an appropriate mate on a new dating site. Upon registration, it is commonplace for the viewer to type in the information and confirm with a series of coding to prove they were real people. A series called Kapcha normally can detect if people can type in the appropriate keys of letters found on the screens on their computers. But as the new Kapcha series was launched, it made people down right confused as they started swearing at their computers as to why they were having difficulty launching into the new site of dating shenanigans. The website responded that if they could not log in using the new Kapcha series, they were therefore retarded deeming them incapable of talking to each other online, let alone, reproducing. The new Kapcha series has led to an increase of angry users who--once they logged in--found themselves bitching at significant others who they would initially be attracted to.

New Study Shows Money Really Does Buy Happiness

A new study was released the other day that showed that money really does buy happiness. People had reported increased euphoria when they shopped compulsively versus buying just one thing. Others reported they fought with their spouses more about splitting the bill, cutting out dinner and a movie date night, and straight up sitting around doing nothing. "I feel like shit, I need to buy something," the woman exclaimed. She also mentioned, "if you really loved me you'd buy me that diamond ring, already! None of that Kay crap!" Several diamond rings have not been purchased this season, resulting in a steady decline in overall happiness which is being combatted by double-dosing on a drug called Fukitol.