Area Woman Buys New Phone Because Guy Did Not Text Back

Area woman, Janae Peters, purchased a new cellular phone because she was convinced her phone was mal-functional when her male interest failed to text her.

“The signs were all there”, she stated, “I was wondering why the young gentleman failed to text me after I sent one of those cutesy little texts that referred to some little inside joke we had between the two of us over dinner last week. Then I sent another one the next day asking him what his plans were for the weekend, then another one the next day telling him about my day, then another one with a little joke and winky emoticons all over the place, and then finally another one to ask if he had gotten the previous winky text.”

As she was talking, she appeared to be focused on her phone texting, possibly to this very very unfortunate man. Janae continued, “I’ve read all those relationship books about him being into the girl and how to tell and what-not, and after following all their rules very closely, I realized I played the game correctly and that the cell phone was to blame for shoddy SMS services and not for the fact that he just wasn’t that into me. It was the cell phone that was wrong.”

She continued to blame AT&T for having a few bars in some places, automatic call failing, and immediate voicemail to a full mailbox.

“I wasn’t too concerned even though a week had gone by and I still had not heard from him after our point of intercourse. It was time for an upgrade.”

Instead of upgrading Janae’s standards, she opted to upgrade her cell phone.

“The iPhone seemed like the best option for me. Although I was completely locked into a contract so I couldn’t go with a better connection service, and that AT&T would rape my wallet cold and heartless with nothing left to give, I needed a newer phone. And although the calls would still fail, at least I looked cool with it. Everyone texts anyways so failed calls really didn’t concern me. Now I would finally receive all those missed texts I didn’t receive when I had my old phone. It’s a sure thing.”

Although Janae now seems happier with her new phone, her naiviete and overwhelming sense of denial led her to overlook the whole “going through a tunnel” excuse and “I’m in a place where phones don’t exist.” Not only that, but we later realized that Janae was purely having text conversations with herself at this point. We started to wonder, did the guy ever exist? And if he does, we know why she’s not receiving her texts. And we don’t blame him.