Located in the hipster environmentalist mecca of Southern California, a young woman was approached after she was caught talking to her plants. This young woman from Santa Monica claimed a profession she liked to call an Environmental Psychologist. Although she has no actual credentials in this field, or that the so-called field even exists, she pushes forward to tell others that this is a new upcoming profession and that she isn’t bat-shit crazy.
“My expertise in this field started about three years ago when I realized my extensive interest in horticulture, and more so, I was socially awkward and had no friends,” she stated. She continued to tell her loony-bin plant stories to be cathartic and fulfilling. But what did this actual profession entail? She continued to tell reporters that she possessed a “unique gift” that she could read exactly what the plants wanted and needed and that she was able to help them thrive in their current environment.
“My clairvoyance along with my superfluous attention to detail allowed me to figure out that the plants were asking for more than just water, but that they also needed the warm touch of the human voice. These plants are human just like us and they deserve the same basic human rights.”
She continued to tell us as she began talking to her plants, they began to listen to her and grow according to her storytelling.
“I tell a wide range of stories to my plants, mostly personal life experiences. I had gone through a traumatic experience at one point in my life and ran home to talk to my plants. I wept and wept about my bitter atrocities and watered my plants with my tears. Although I thought I was doing a sustainable and conservationist act, I ended up killing my plants with my salty tears. It made my current situation even worse.”
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