Audience Member Misreads the Point of Magic Tricks

A young woman was outraged by the “indecent” behavior performed on her by a Vegas-show magician Friday night. She claimed the perverted magician used his magic tricks to take advantage of her while on stage.
“Well I could first tell by his method of foreplay where he chained me up to a wall and started to throw knives at me in some sick dominatrix as to get some rise out of me,” she said.
The magician replied,“she was asking for it. She really was. She volunteered from the audience. You can’t rape the willing.”
She said he was planning to take advantage of the situation further by putting her under hypnosis and have his way with her.
“Of course I needed to have my way with her. What good is hypnosis if the client doesn’t follow your instructions? She refused to believe she was a duck.”
After her involuntary quacking and arm -lapping incident, she continued to accuse him of eye rape and mind control—not to be confused with intense concentration, of course. She said she felt powerless--probably from being hypnotized—and she demanded a restraining order for her lower half after his Saw-A-Box -In-Half routine. He was asked to stay at least 50 yards away. So, in rebuttal, he levitated her to the muther-fuckin heavens. Then he literally disappeared. No further word on his side of the story, but, the hat full of pigeons have been taken into custody.

Tourette’s Epidemic Arises Due To Twitter Glitch

It was a very historic moment today when people experienced a Twitter glitch due to an overwhelming amount of users and activity. Twitter’s site went down for four hours starting at around 11 am only to return working around 3pm. Not only did people start feeling frustrated and even anxious, but they started freaking out like a heroin junkie going through withdrawal.
It was reported some people were snapping at co-workers, pulling out their hair, twitching uncontrollably, and cursing as if a sailor and truck driver got together and had a baby with Tourette’s.
After restraining one fuck-upped weirdo—eh hem, we mean Twitter enthusiast—in a straight jacket and fed him a couple Valium to calm his nerves, we asked him about his reaction to the website letting him down.
“I tweet every 30 minutes at this point. I was getting really angry that Twitter let me miss out on 8 separate and very important tweets. How else was someone going to know about the latte I had for breakfast, the itch on my balls, and most importantly, the glitch!! When they develop these sites and play with our dependency on them, they are fucking with our emotions and that’s where they really cross the line! I almost resorted going back to Facebook, and even more desperate, My Space.” As he said this, the loon began to cry in his sense of immediate loss to the rest of inane tweets given by all other members of society.
We witnessed the Twitter-slaves restarting their computers, shaking their monitors, yelling at screens, and crawling up into balls and crying in their swivel chairs. One rogue decided to sink to the Facebook level—a code Orange—and started a group called Tweet Riot. Date: Today at 2, Worldwide. BYOF. (Bring Your Own Followers).
As much as these fuck nuts wanted to tweet their frustrations about the glitch, one positive note was that there was a significant decline in Tweet-related car accidents. Although everyone was going ape-shit crazy in their cars, they were still able to focus on the road despite their manic fits of withdrawal from this popular social media site. It’s interesting to note, when a popular website crashes, less people seem to crash themselves. Although there was less traffic online, it didn’t do a god-damn thing for the 405. Ah, tw$#t traffic!

Virgin Atlantic: Flying High? Or Stooping Low?

We may have all seen Virgin's lame attempt to advertise their planes by making the sexual connection of virginity and the consumer's first time on their flights. Brilliant? Yah, we didn't think so either. But what's really going on in this campaign transcends all levels of racism, homophobia, and alcoholiphobia (a fear of alcoholics, for the late person). Virgin really took their brand identity to a new level, not only passing up on a play on words for virginity, but they based their identity of virginity based on purity, and purity of thought. So instead of revealing purity, they bash everything else they find impure. Genius? Perhaps. Controversial? Definitely. So we wonder why Virgin Atlantic would take this approach? With a company that flies so high, why would they stoop so low? Maybe they want us to believe Virgina Atlantic is only for heterosexual, white, sober people. If that's the case, their flights seems to be stripped of anything fun about flying in the first place. Yah, it may be a safer flight, but definitely not an intersting one. So if there is anything else left to say, it's FUCK VIRGIN.

It Appears More People Convert to Judaism During Economic Crisis

With the onset of the falling economy due to the mortgage-backed securities, the housing crisis situation, scandals on Wall Street, and so on and on and on and on and on, it appeared as if people were losing even more faith in their government and the future. At this critical time, it was interesting to observe a considerable rise in the Jewish faith. Just like in any situation, where people turn to religion to solve their problems, we found it interesting that people were not leaning towards the hegemony of Christianity.
Of course we weren’t grabbing these statistics from watching a rise in temple attendance, staying home on Jewish holidays, or a spike in Hollah, Matzah, or even bagels. Hahaha, no. That would be inaccurate and impetuous.
We asked a young middle-aged older man how his life has changed during this difficult economic time. Georgie responded, “I’ve definitely cut way back on my spending on leisure items as well as even some of the essentials I used to not be able to go without. I let my other friends pick up the bill when we go out, act as if I have no money when the cabbie wants his fare, and even yelled at a man once for not giving me precisely my 38 cents change when I ordered a sandwich. I must say, I felt I was becoming Jewish.”
Georgie continued to tell us as he cut back, one thing he continued to let grow; something he referred to as his JewFro. “I realized if I was cutting things out, I might as well stop getting haircuts and embraced the hairstyles of my new-found religion. I also pick up nickels I find on the sidewalk and find myself developing an interest in directing feature-length films.”
As Georgie continued to pile the lox on his bagel and cream cheese, he said, “Its weird how a crisis can bring about change in people’s lives. I feel as though the way this economy has forced me to cut back, I have found a new way of how I go about life. I mean, if Jesus can do it, why can’t we?”
There were many other similar stories, so no need to tell you a minimal of three to make a valid point, just trust us, it happened, ok? So if you think you’re above Judaism or even above this economy, then you have quite a lot of chutzpah to stick to your old-fashioned ways of Starbucks and picking up the tab. I think we can all learn a little something about Georgie and his ability to convert religions based on the pure Darwinian means of survival. Judaism: It’s not as exclusive as you would think.

When It Comes To New Flavor, Ben and Jerry’s Decides To Pull Out

After its recent release into grocery stores yesterday, Ben and Jerry’s was asked to pull their newest flavor from the shelf because of implications of male bodily fluid. The flavor's sexual title “Happy Ending” may have shot over the makers' heads, but it left a bad taste in consumers' mouths.

True to the Ben and Jerry tradition, the ice creams are generally a concoction of several random ingredients that are named something quirky to adhere to its brand image. But this concoction had several people guessing what could have possibly been included in this gem.

The makers caught up with us and said, “We really didn’t think anything of it, really. We just thought about enjoying a creamy delectable at the end of a hard day’s work. We just figured it was the best way to end your night. With competitors naming their ice cream things like Soy Dream and Ciao Sorbet, we wanted something that would stand out amongst the rest.”

It sure did. Not only did the title embody sexual overtone, but imbued even further coital connotations when it mentioned an ice cream that was “chocked full of nuts, popping with cherries, and mind-blowing fudge,” and “it’s so nice, enjoy it twice."

Consumers said with original masterpieces such as Chunky Monkey, Phish Food, and Half-Baked, they would be willing to give the new flavor a try, but said they would never eat it in front of anyone else, only late at night, and exclusively in their bedroom with niche television content.

When it comes to the release of Ben and Jerry's new creamy concoction, they might seriously consider pulling out on this one. Whether a slight name change is the answer to save this creamy concoction from getting the boot, both parties were completely blown by the situation.

New Drink Turned Down At Bars For Being Too Pessimistic.

One local bar recently decided to reject the idea of a new mixed drink because the drink’s name encapsulated too much pessimism, not to mention supreme enthusiasm for American patriotism. The newly-invented drink entitled, “La Terrorista”, reflected controversial overtones that directly attack the belief systems of the US and many Republican imbibing enthusiasts. The creator said the name was merely an artistic expression and should not be taken so literally. He continues to tell us that he should not be ridiculed and excused himself with reasons like 1st Amendment rights and freedom of expression, blablahblah. He said the title treatment only reflected contents found in the drink and how the how the drink makes you feel. He continued by saying,

“I decided to name the drink “La Terrorista” because I wanted to include very low-grade alcohol that incinerates quite quickly. The drink is mixed with Bacardi 151, Kalishnakov, and that cheap shit found in giant gallon bottles at 10 bucks a pop, mostly purchased by college students on a very low budget. The alcohols are ice-shook and then poured into a triple shot glass on top one ounce of tomato juice and then finally topped with hot sauce. This fiery concoction is then light on fire after pouring and then slid towards you across the counter of the bar.”

He said the method on which the shot is delivered to the drinker, red hot and on fire, was reflective of American culture.

“We cannot get away from the problems of terrorism or alcoholism, so we should embrace both of them.”

The shoddy alcohol burns quickly and should be blown out upon its arrival, then immediately downed in one giant gulp. If you didn’t get enough burning of the throat from the shoddy dirt cheap alcoholic trifecta, the hot sauce will really bite at your throat and possibly start burning its way up into your nasal cavity.

“Once the tears start pouring you will realize the true effects of “La Terroista”,” he adds. His creative endeavors have given rise to other innovative beverages not yet presented towards the National Barista Association of America. We’re literally dying to see what he comes up with next.

Environmental Psychologist Caught Pep-Talking Plants

Located in the hipster environmentalist mecca of Southern California, a young woman was approached after she was caught talking to her plants. This young woman from Santa Monica claimed a profession she liked to call an Environmental Psychologist. Although she has no actual credentials in this field, or that the so-called field even exists, she pushes forward to tell others that this is a new upcoming profession and that she isn’t bat-shit crazy.

“My expertise in this field started about three years ago when I realized my extensive interest in horticulture, and more so, I was socially awkward and had no friends,” she stated. She continued to tell her loony-bin plant stories to be cathartic and fulfilling. But what did this actual profession entail? She continued to tell reporters that she possessed a “unique gift” that she could read exactly what the plants wanted and needed and that she was able to help them thrive in their current environment.

“My clairvoyance along with my superfluous attention to detail allowed me to figure out that the plants were asking for more than just water, but that they also needed the warm touch of the human voice. These plants are human just like us and they deserve the same basic human rights.”

She continued to tell us as she began talking to her plants, they began to listen to her and grow according to her storytelling.

“I tell a wide range of stories to my plants, mostly personal life experiences. I had gone through a traumatic experience at one point in my life and ran home to talk to my plants. I wept and wept about my bitter atrocities and watered my plants with my tears. Although I thought I was doing a sustainable and conservationist act, I ended up killing my plants with my salty tears. It made my current situation even worse.”

She learned that salty eye discharge and bitter martyrdom of her storytelling led her plants to their own demise. Apparently, even her plants could not handle her storytelling. With this in mind, reporters began to wonder who the actual psychologist was-- her, or the plants?

Area Woman Buys New Phone Because Guy Did Not Text Back

Area woman, Janae Peters, purchased a new cellular phone because she was convinced her phone was mal-functional when her male interest failed to text her.

“The signs were all there”, she stated, “I was wondering why the young gentleman failed to text me after I sent one of those cutesy little texts that referred to some little inside joke we had between the two of us over dinner last week. Then I sent another one the next day asking him what his plans were for the weekend, then another one the next day telling him about my day, then another one with a little joke and winky emoticons all over the place, and then finally another one to ask if he had gotten the previous winky text.”

As she was talking, she appeared to be focused on her phone texting, possibly to this very very unfortunate man. Janae continued, “I’ve read all those relationship books about him being into the girl and how to tell and what-not, and after following all their rules very closely, I realized I played the game correctly and that the cell phone was to blame for shoddy SMS services and not for the fact that he just wasn’t that into me. It was the cell phone that was wrong.”

She continued to blame AT&T for having a few bars in some places, automatic call failing, and immediate voicemail to a full mailbox.

“I wasn’t too concerned even though a week had gone by and I still had not heard from him after our point of intercourse. It was time for an upgrade.”

Instead of upgrading Janae’s standards, she opted to upgrade her cell phone.

“The iPhone seemed like the best option for me. Although I was completely locked into a contract so I couldn’t go with a better connection service, and that AT&T would rape my wallet cold and heartless with nothing left to give, I needed a newer phone. And although the calls would still fail, at least I looked cool with it. Everyone texts anyways so failed calls really didn’t concern me. Now I would finally receive all those missed texts I didn’t receive when I had my old phone. It’s a sure thing.”

Although Janae now seems happier with her new phone, her naiviete and overwhelming sense of denial led her to overlook the whole “going through a tunnel” excuse and “I’m in a place where phones don’t exist.” Not only that, but we later realized that Janae was purely having text conversations with herself at this point. We started to wonder, did the guy ever exist? And if he does, we know why she’s not receiving her texts. And we don’t blame him.