Monsanto Takes On One Direction: Genetically Modified Boy Bands

We’ve all heard talk about Monsanto, big corporation in charge of GMOs (genetically-modified organisms) and its production of genetically modified crops and genetically modified fish. Monsanto uses genetic engineering for faster growth, resistance to pathogens, production of “extra nutrients,” or for “any other beneficial purpose.”

A rep from Monsanto says, “We’ve also been experimentally developing with genetically modified livestock, although nothing is on the market as of now. As we’ve grown into modifying these meaty tender cuts of tasty deliciousness, an idea sparked in our brains that we could not only bring Superman meats to our consumers, but we could capitalize on yet an even bigger industry—the world of entertainment. Yes, yes, we know what you’re thinking, stick to food Monsanto, you greedy fucks. Yes, yes, of course, but we could apply our genetic engineering to pop culture and really reap in the cash-cash-money-bling-bling-cha-ching,” said the rep as he hand-motioned dollar bill signs while doing a front kick to express his enthusiasm.

The Monsanto rep mentioned that they decided to “get that British dumb fuck from American Idol” to set up a show called “X-Factor” in Britain to help pool in the singing boy cattle for “selective breeding.” 

The rep continued, “We’ve only picked from the finest little singing twats we could find and made sure they won in what looked like a ‘fair voting competition.’ But what voters didn’t know was that these five finalists were actually created and modified in our lab in the middle of Nebraska seventeen years ago. We created a boy band called One Direction, and took out any negative traits such as poor singing skills, unfortunate aesthetic deficiencies (shit that makes you ugly), and removed some obviously definitive masculine traits. We wanted to keep ‘em a little metro so both male and female audiences would swooooooon over them. You know what I mean, if you can’t tell who they’re into bringing home after one of those shows, it keeps everyone guessing and wanting them, you know what I’m saying. It's definitely a product we're proud to slap a [record] label on. Take that Prop 37. Eat it, Cali, ” the rep said as he winked and gesticulated a shooting of a gun with his hand.

With Monsanto’s genetic engineering for faster growth in popularity of this boy band, they also noticed the boy band’s resistance to pathogens. Due to their bacteria-resistant genetic make-up, the band never needed to shower and this cut down on a lot of extra time that could be spent lip-syncing in the studio.

“They need all that extra time to practice making it look like they’re really singing. We just drop in some SMB (Studio Magic Bullshit) and everyone goes goo-goo gaga ape-shit over them. They even beat out Bieber. This shit’s the real deal here. Forget GM cattle, we got ourselves a real GM boy band.”

The genetically modified boy band, One Direction, has topped the charts in the past year, and is set to take on new endorsements advocating the country’s reliance on corn and more GM products. One Direction can even been seen shooting up crops and livestock in their new music video entitled, “You’re Better This Way.” Other popular titles include, “Gimme That Fake Shit,” and “You’re All Pretty Fucking Stupid.” One Direction is projected to have a genetically modified spin-off band in the next ten years that advocates practicing safe cyborg sex with a projected hit song called “We’re No Longer Human.”

Majority of Men Diagnosed With Football Season Affective Disorder

Startling new research has revealed that 95% of men inexplicably experience excessive mood swings during the autumn months and into the early winter. This time period is more notoriously known as football season. A new condition named NFL SAD, i.e. NFL Season Affective Disorder, has taken a huge toll on the male fan base. 

One researcher has explained, “It’s actually quite interesting. I watched one male’s interaction with the television in his natural environment—the couch—and all controlled variables such as guac-and-chips, hot dogs, and beer were present. What we found was, even when we removed these variables from the environment, the subject still experienced excessive mood swings in a three-hour period. He was commonly found wearing a football jersey or a cap representing his home team and shouted a variety of phrases that consisted of ‘fuck yeah’, ‘yeah that’s how you get it done,’ ‘take that bitch!,’ coupled by parenthetical grunting and hand motions towards the television. We call this the manic phase of the disorder, easily recognized by overtly over-masculine grunting and excessive grinning, resulting in extensive blood flow to the facial area. If another male friend representing love for the same home team is present, there may be chest-bumping to ensure victory and to secure masculinity; a high-five at the very least.”

The researcher continued, “On the other side, I noticed that when the male’s home team is losing, the jersey-wearing enthusiast goes into a state of remorse coupled with a subsequent anxiety when the team fumbles, misses the touchdown, or allows an interception. This puts the male in a complete sense of ‘everything is going downhill and we’re about to be royally fucked.’ We call this the depressive phase. Darkness sets in and the male feels the future may remain grim like the present. Outcries such as ‘this is gonna cost us the playoffs,’ ‘bad call by the ref, what the hell was he thinking,’ ‘naked titties couldn’t even fix this.’’

These phases cycled on average about twenty times during one game, with a considerable uptick if the teams went into overtime. If the male’s home team won, glory and a sustained mania remained for days as the man tooted his own horn as if he had actually won the game himself. “That’s right, we’re the best, just you watch us get that ring this year.” Puffed up chest, excessive smiling, gloating and a “look at me look at me” mentality pervaded the disposition of the jersey-wearing pseudo superstar. 

If the home team lost, melancholy set in for days where the male would isolate, facial features grew sluggish and somber, and would say things like,” Don’t even say it, I don’t want to fucking hear about it. Just don’t even say it,” as if every post-game update was shrapnel to his skin. The lachrymose disposition would continue until the male’s home team’s next kickoff, when immediate hope would then again be revived.

“It’s a marvel to see this disorder take place in the household. We also noticed how many men were affected by NFL Season Affective Disorder. Although one outlier did exist, where men generally experienced a unipolar depression and that mostly had to do with the Cleveland Browns.”

Big Bird Flips Mitt Romney The Bird on CNN

Down to less than a month away before voters hit the polls this upcoming November, means it’s politician-bashing season to see which candidate will stay afloat amongst the multitude of slanderous attack ads. But after one Obama ad using Big Bird to attack Mitt Romney’s policy to cut subsidized funding for PBS in an effort to reduce the deficit, it got some voters talking, including Big Bird himself. Big Bird appeared on Larry King Live last night to talk about how Romney's plan will destroy the lives of so many good people.

Bird said, “This is a complete and utter disgrace coming from some super right-winged Republican trying to what?... Crack down on government spending? The man’s indicative of conservative family values, who should know, that PBS brings you Sesame Street, a family show that has educated and entertained young children for decades. I mean, God, I fucking helped raise his kids, that bastard, and he wants to take away my show. Fuck no! That does not fly with me.”

As King tried to chime in with questions to Bird, Bird interrupted by saying,

“Larry, I mean we got a whole street of washed-up muppets trying to make it in this country… he’s gonna take away our jobs, our homes, our very way of living. Where the hell are we gonna go when he kicks us off Sesame Street?! I’ll tell ya where! Skid-fucking-row! You want to see Big Bird slammin’ and slangin’ speedballs just to make it in this world? I don’t have any higher education or even a damn high school diploma for that matter. What the hell I’m I gonna do now? Flip burgers? Can’t work Chick Fil-A cuz of all their open indignation against same-sex marriage. I mean, c’mon Larry, I’m gay. I’m also a chicken. I’m a gay chicken head with a 6^th grade education. You take away Sesame Street, and you’re damn sure I’m gonna start molting and revolting."

Bird said he’s been in the process of making “Occupy Sesame Street” signs for all muppet protestors on the playground.

“Our protest is brought to you by the letter “O” and ‘Oh how were are NOT backing down on this one,’ the yellow feathered enthusiast said as he pointed towards the camera and flipped the bird to Romney supporters who might be watching.

King responded, “There had been talk of cutting government funding to PBS because it was said that you [Big Bird] was overtly encouraging the children on the show that same-sex marriage is a completely natural thing, as well as saying, ‘It’s ok to be a little gay,’ as well as painting their nails saying, ‘Sparkle for mamma, baby.’ Shouldn’t the show reflect somewhat of a neutrality when it comes to issues of sexuality and the home?”

Bird denied all of King's comments. Bird's heated argument escalated to the point where he was no longer articulating full sentences, but merely just squawking like a duck. He started ripping out all his wing feathers with his beak and then smashed CNN’s studio camera. Looks like this is one Big Bird that’s P’d about the BS of this presidential candidate.

SAAB's New Car Horn Lets People Know What's Up

We hear it all over downtown. That incessant honking from cabbies and cars leave people wondering, “Seriously, what the hell are you honking about?!”  Whether you’re a driver getting honked at, a driver doing all the honking, or the passer-by on the street, really what the hell are you honking about?

Well, it comes to no surprise that SAAB, a Swedish car company, has come up with the idea of the Decipherable Car Horn. Say goodbye to the confusing, singular, urgent sound of regular car horns. The new SAAB horn has a variety of phrases that let you know what drivers are actually honking about. Some phrases include,

“Dude, can you just move up a little so I can turn right?”

“Why are you pausing at the yellow!!??”

“Turn left already! There are no pedestrians!”

“You can’t turn left during rush hour here, man, c’mon!”

“I fucking love cookies!”

“Not another Mylie Cyrus song on the radio!”

“Get out of the fucking way! There’s an ambulance behind you!”

“Stop honking at me!”

“Sorry, I honked the wrong phrase at you!”

“Nice U-turn!”

“Why you gotta block the intersection like that?!”

“I’m late for work!”

“Are you Asian?”

“Are you female?”

“Are you an Asian female?”

Studies have shown driver frustration grows when honking goes unexplained. Thanks to the new Decipherable Car Horn by SAAB, people can better understand what kind of driver they are being on the road. With SAAB’s tagline Welcome to the State of Independence, drivers can better accurately communicate their frustrations on roads filled with fucking idiots. Freedom of speech, man. Now get out of the way.

Apple Co-Worker Compares Steve Jobs To The Modern Day Tupac

New information was leaked the other day about an extended line-up of products that will come off of Apple’s assembly line even after the passing of great thinker and innovator, Steve Jobs. Turns out, Steve Jobs foresaw a great amount of technology in the future and still wanted to be Numero Uno even after his death. One close co-worker made comment:

“Steve Jobs was a great thinker and always knew what to expect. He wanted to keep giving back even after his passing so he made sure to really think ahead. A lot like Tupac making all those records before he got “shot” then ran off living in the Carribean somewhere. Yea, you could totally say he’s like the white-guy, techy Tupac of our generation. I guess you could call him TechPac. Not to mention, Apple and its nemesis, IBM, always at war with each other when it comes to having the sleekest, coolest product. I mean Apple totally blows them out the water, but like that battle where it was all like ‘east coast/west coast shit.’ We’re ‘west coast’ and everyone knows ‘west coast’ was better. California Love!! I mean hell, we’re from Silicon Valley. What up, Cali!”

As the co-worker continued why ‘west coast is the shit’ and ‘IBM ain’t got nothing on us,” he handed over some preliminative sketches for what to expect in 2056.

“Based on data research, intuitive thinking, and controlling what people will need in the future, Jobs came up with these prototypes that will have people goo-goo-gaaing over some iPhone 45.9 GS*. More megapixels, 4-D HDDDDD Video, Mind Reading Device by Retina Scanning …we’re talking the works!” Now that we think about it, Steve Jobs could almost foreshadow his own death the way Tupac did. We also caught him saying weird things in the mirror like, “That’s why I upgraded yo tablet, you fat motherfucker!” and “My Fo-Fo make sho all yo kids know how to intuitively use a smartphone.” And “Pack a vest for your smartphone in the city of Text.” Believe me, we haven’t seen the last of Steve Jobs yet.”

He later informaed us that Jobs was furthering Apple technology in the realm of hologram-ography where he could render himself as a three dimensional hologram in the office, giving constantly awesome Powerpoint presentations on innovation and synergy while still maintaining the same turtleneck to bring it back to reality. Some of the final last words he said to Apple that really hit home with everyone here was: “Brenda’s got a Baby.”

Obama Officially Declares 'War on Boredom'

With rising national debt and the discontent from high levels of unemployment, coupled with the government’s inability to keep its head out of its ass, an epidemic is surging around the nation that is taking America by storm. Forget bird flu, swine flu, homo sapian flu. This illness is a progressive disease that is affecting the lives of millions across the country: Boredom.

While many 'Occupy Wherever' in hopes of making a point through cardboard signs, sitting around, and complaining about injustice, the real rallying cry fromwithin is the symptom of an even bigger problem. That’s right, Boredom. Those out of work are Bored for not having a job to kill 1/3 of their lives while those with jobs, brainlessly plug away at bullshit tasks that do not call on the potential for which they were hired. An advertising guru from New York, Joe, was desperately seeking work when he landed a job in a career that he loved; advertising. But, with the slim pickins of jobs out there, not to mention the cut-throat nature of the profession, Joe re-entered the work force after 15 years of experience as a Creative Director now with the label “intern.” After saying he would just take whatever he could get, he realized he was suffering from an incurable progressive disease called Boredom.

“Normally, I was building 360 integrated campaigns, innovative technology for online and social media, finding the ‘big idea’ for our clients that generated a lot of buzz. Which was awesome. Re-entering the work force has been quite humbling to say the least, or mostly I should say that the inanity and vapidity of my supervisors has led to hair-pulling, thoughts of monitor-bashing, sleeping under my desk, and scrolling through a bunch of wasteful online LOL cat meme bullshit.”

They throw a mug my way saying, “Fill this, intern; paper-shred this, intern; fetch our lunch, intern; condense this 350 word brand manifesto into two words, intern, and make it speak volumes about how we are dynamic, innovative, pushing the envelope, edgy, conservative, respectful, defiant, ambivalent, inquisitive, notorious, playful, and unique, have lots to offer, holistic, visionary, real, true, proud…and all that other stuff. Remember Joe, two words.”

Then the I never heard back from any of them. After being told to “sit tight for a little bit” and that “they’d swing by to brief me,” I remained sitting at my desk for thenext three weeks avidly awaiting the brief. After much thumb twiddling here, coffee filling there, I felt the alacrity burn off into what was the deepest lull of my creative life. Day after day, the same thing: power up comp, get coffee, open email, trash junk mail, open Twitter, open Facebook, open gchat, open Stumbleupon, refresh Twitter, refresh Facebook, check new online buddies, wait, stare at screen, twiddle thumbs, stare at hands while twiddling thumbs, contemplate needing lotion for the dry hands that are thumb-twiddling, contemplate what lunch will be like in three hours, hoping a brief comes through, more sipping and thumb-twiddling, sitting tight some more, then my head suddenly collapsed on my desk.

I thought I was having a stroke, but my doctor told me I was suffering from a serious disease called Boredom. He said, many of his patients have beencoming in frequently with similar symptoms, and although there was no immediate cure-all for the disease, he suggested hypnosis, daydreaming, or amphetamines. He said hypnosis or daydreaming would at least mentally place me somewhere completely different as to stimulate the brain and open up new neuronal pathways. On the flip side, he recommended high doses of Adderall, Ridilin, or Dexatrine because those chemical components made “everything and life really really fucking interesting.” I could find random quotes by Oscar Wilde deeply profound, or overanalyzing the subliminal and abstract beauty of Esther paintings, and found meaning in the dots on my screensaver. It’s likemy world was getting bigger again.

As the epidemic of Boredom was sweeping the nation, both those with and without jobs, people started flooding in for a solution. In the meantime, the Obama Administration made an announcement the other day about Declaring A War on Boredom saying the ‘epidemic has gotten way out of hand’ and that ‘these matters need to be dealth with’ and we need to ‘start holding people accountable’.

He proposed a plan with several features, with a total estimate of $30 trillion for the Boredom Budget. ‘We can get through this, and we will. But for now, we’re figuring out the kinks, so just have some faith, and just sit tight for a little bit.” Meanwhile the Administration kept babbling on about sitting tight, while viewers continued to grow bored of empty promises, turned off the television but were glad that the War on Boredom would finally resolve the War on Drugs.

Withstanding Evidence Proves Man Is Having The ‘Worst Day Of His Life’

Area man from Chicago, Illinois claimed yesterday was “by far the worst day of his life.” He continued, “You know, sometimes I’ve thought I had the worst day of my life before, but this only shows that today, by far, is in fact the worst day of my life. If for some reason you are interacting with me today, you will be in fact experiencing the nadir of my livelihood and general outlook on life.” He plotted crucial points on a graph to effectively visualize the agony and antipathy of his daily living.

“You can see, based on the graph, when decreased levels of productivity directly correlate to increased levels of intelligence, overall happiness hits ‘a serious fucking crucial point.’ This is what is categorized as ‘cubicle depression.’ Other variables included on the graph that sustain a ‘flatline’ effect without ‘completely dropping off the map’ include: 1.) lobotomy 2.) Facebook trolling 3.) Xanax.

What’s interesting to find, though, is that the summation of these variables does not, in fact, create an exponential effect in overall happiness, but it does prevent one lost soul from reaching an even lower point, not graphed—yet feared—called ‘corporate dementia’ brought on by ‘perpetual self-loathing.’ If that new crucial point is ever reached, I will not be able to have a graph to show you.”

Although his intelligence proved he was not being efficiently utilized to his capabilities, he proceeded to bash his head into a nearby office wall, which in turn, he included another variable on the graph.