With rising national debt and the discontent from high levels of unemployment, coupled with the government’s inability to keep its head out of its ass, an epidemic is surging around the nation that is taking America by storm. Forget bird flu, swine flu, homo sapian flu. This illness is a progressive disease that is affecting the lives of millions across the country: Boredom.
While many 'Occupy Wherever' in hopes of making a point through cardboard signs, sitting around, and complaining about injustice, the real rallying cry fromwithin is the symptom of an even bigger problem. That’s right, Boredom. Those out of work are Bored for not having a job to kill 1/3 of their lives while those with jobs, brainlessly plug away at bullshit tasks that do not call on the potential for which they were hired. An advertising guru from New York, Joe, was desperately seeking work when he landed a job in a career that he loved; advertising. But, with the slim pickins of jobs out there, not to mention the cut-throat nature of the profession, Joe re-entered the work force after 15 years of experience as a Creative Director now with the label “intern.” After saying he would just take whatever he could get, he realized he was suffering from an incurable progressive disease called Boredom.
“Normally, I was building 360 integrated campaigns, innovative technology for online and social media, finding the ‘big idea’ for our clients that generated a lot of buzz. Which was awesome. Re-entering the work force has been quite humbling to say the least, or mostly I should say that the inanity and vapidity of my supervisors has led to hair-pulling, thoughts of monitor-bashing, sleeping under my desk, and scrolling through a bunch of wasteful online LOL cat meme bullshit.”
They throw a mug my way saying, “Fill this, intern; paper-shred this, intern; fetch our lunch, intern; condense this 350 word brand manifesto into two words, intern, and make it speak volumes about how we are dynamic, innovative, pushing the envelope, edgy, conservative, respectful, defiant, ambivalent, inquisitive, notorious, playful, and unique, have lots to offer, holistic, visionary, real, true, proud…and all that other stuff. Remember Joe, two words.”
Then the I never heard back from any of them. After being told to “sit tight for a little bit” and that “they’d swing by to brief me,” I remained sitting at my desk for thenext three weeks avidly awaiting the brief. After much thumb twiddling here, coffee filling there, I felt the alacrity burn off into what was the deepest lull of my creative life. Day after day, the same thing: power up comp, get coffee, open email, trash junk mail, open Twitter, open Facebook, open gchat, open Stumbleupon, refresh Twitter, refresh Facebook, check new online buddies, wait, stare at screen, twiddle thumbs, stare at hands while twiddling thumbs, contemplate needing lotion for the dry hands that are thumb-twiddling, contemplate what lunch will be like in three hours, hoping a brief comes through, more sipping and thumb-twiddling, sitting tight some more, then my head suddenly collapsed on my desk.
I thought I was having a stroke, but my doctor told me I was suffering from a serious disease called Boredom. He said, many of his patients have beencoming in frequently with similar symptoms, and although there was no immediate cure-all for the disease, he suggested hypnosis, daydreaming, or amphetamines. He said hypnosis or daydreaming would at least mentally place me somewhere completely different as to stimulate the brain and open up new neuronal pathways. On the flip side, he recommended high doses of Adderall, Ridilin, or Dexatrine because those chemical components made “everything and life really really fucking interesting.” I could find random quotes by Oscar Wilde deeply profound, or overanalyzing the subliminal and abstract beauty of Esther paintings, and found meaning in the dots on my screensaver. It’s likemy world was getting bigger again.
As the epidemic of Boredom was sweeping the nation, both those with and without jobs, people started flooding in for a solution. In the meantime, the Obama Administration made an announcement the other day about Declaring A War on Boredom saying the ‘epidemic has gotten way out of hand’ and that ‘these matters need to be dealth with’ and we need to ‘start holding people accountable’.
He proposed a plan with several features, with a total estimate of $30 trillion for the Boredom Budget. ‘We can get through this, and we will. But for now, we’re figuring out the kinks, so just have some faith, and just sit tight for a little bit.” Meanwhile the Administration kept babbling on about sitting tight, while viewers continued to grow bored of empty promises, turned off the television but were glad that the War on Boredom would finally resolve the War on Drugs.
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