Area man from Chicago, Illinois claimed yesterday was “by far the worst day of his life.” He continued, “You know, sometimes I’ve thought I had the worst day of my life before, but this only shows that today, by far, is in fact the worst day of my life. If for some reason you are interacting with me today, you will be in fact experiencing the nadir of my livelihood and general outlook on life.” He plotted crucial points on a graph to effectively visualize the agony and antipathy of his daily living.
“You can see, based on the graph, when decreased levels of productivity directly correlate to increased levels of intelligence, overall happiness hits ‘a serious fucking crucial point.’ This is what is categorized as ‘cubicle depression.’ Other variables included on the graph that sustain a ‘flatline’ effect without ‘completely dropping off the map’ include: 1.) lobotomy 2.) Facebook trolling 3.) Xanax.
What’s interesting to find, though, is that the summation of these variables does not, in fact, create an exponential effect in overall happiness, but it does prevent one lost soul from reaching an even lower point, not graphed—yet feared—called ‘corporate dementia’ brought on by ‘perpetual self-loathing.’ If that new crucial point is ever reached, I will not be able to have a graph to show you.”
Although his intelligence proved he was not being efficiently utilized to his capabilities, he proceeded to bash his head into a nearby office wall, which in turn, he included another variable on the graph.
No comments:
Post a Comment