Due to the budget cuts across universities as well as the rising cost of tuition, there has been a steady decline in college enrollment nationwide. Not only do kids not know what they want to do with the rest of their lives, a new study revealed that they also fear ever needing to know anything related to Math or knowing the basics of the English language. State colleges, particularly among the northern regions, thought it would be a novel idea to introduce a curriculum that kids can relate to: vampires.
One spokesperson on campus said, "With the booming interest in one very popular show such as Twilight, we realized we could arrange an entire curriculum so kids could major in fantastical ideals of vampirism, escape their own mortal lives, and pretend to be, or be in a relationship with, the fanged hottie, Robert Patterson. Through this curriculum, we offer every lecture on video by visually dissecting the integral moments of blood suckage, fanged rebellion, iron deficiency, and inability to love the living. This will cut out the cost of books, unless they're so inclined to go back and read where this cinematic phenomenon gave birth, and definitely weed out any craving to excel at math, business, economics, english lit, or anything that doesn't require the fantasy realm of fanged sexual hotties."
The chairman continued to note that other programs will be taught along with Twilight, such as, The Vampire Diaries, TrueBlood, and will have some throwbacks to more historical series like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. Students also have the opportunity to double major in Zombieism, as well, for a full-range of post-mortem academia. Points of intrigue in this major include: getting out of your house alive; what to bring in case of a Zombie break out; how to get in with the top key Zombie players; how to spice up your Zombie resume; and how to look extra retarded running around trying to eat people's brains.
"It's definitely a major in the making, but kids are jumping right on it--sucking the life out of it, so to speak-- tearing right into the material, and making them thirsty for more. We definitely could use more Zombies and time-sucking vampires in the world's future. I mean, think about it. If we trained students to be the smartest and best that they could be, teach them they can amount to anything in their jobs, why are there so many upset people in the workforce telling their co-workers, 'I need to do some brainwork at this job. I feel like a fucking Zombie!' or, 'I can't believe they are having me count every pixel on this graphic. It's such a time-sucking vampire.'"
Chairman ended that he wanted to prepare kids for the grim future and realize that no matter what post-mortem world they are aspiring towards, in the end, they will always work a job that's a living hell.
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