In celebration of National Coffee Day, a new study shows that women who drink coffee are less depressed than those who don’t, and this Thursday celebrates the “happiest woman in the world.” A small town girl from Jackson, Mississippi claims she’s been drinking coffee since the age of four and has never had a “bad day” in her entire life.
“I swear I’ve got to be the happiest woman alive! Yea, drinkign coffee early in life may have stunted my growth, but I’ve never been hap-hap-happier!! Life is good life is great life is wonderful! BAM! I’m on my fourth pot of coffee and it’s not even noon! woot!woot! FLYING! I feel so empowered and alive I threw a brick through a store front window this morning!”
Coming in at a height of 4’11’’, people have referred to this girl as having the amount of energy and euphoria of a coked-out Smurfette. Move over Papa Smurf, this tweaked out gnome-chick is taking happiness by storm.
“Seriously, I drink so much coffee and it’s GREAT! I get all the stupid shit I hate doing, done faster. Like reallyreallyreally fast! Clean my house at the crack of dawn and sprint a marathon before work. I find it hard to just sit in my cubicle and do work all day that I’m bouncing off the walls and smoke a shit ton of cigarettes! It’s awesome! People have a hard time listening to me because I talk reallyreallyreally fast, but it’s ok. I know what I’m talking about and before I finish the conversation my mind is already in ten different directions, I jet off mid-sentence! Woo!”
Jittery hands and teeth chattering, this woman can’t take the shit-eating grin off her face.
“They once had to tie me down—even though they had a hard time catching me—and shot a tranquilizer in my neck because they thought I was on PCP or something, then had me committed. They ran tests and found nothing, just caffeine. I wasn’t even upset by the intervention because coffee makes mefeel so fucking happy, I hugged the police and scampered and skipped off singing Zippity-Doo-Dah! I LOVE LIFE!!!!”
So, to all you coffee lovers out there, if you think you’ve had your daily fill of the pot-of-happy, think again. This girl can run circles around you—literally.
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